Notes on rejection
One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fun loving, creative, and adventurous. A dreamer. A creator. Instead, I became more uptight, responsible (boo), and cerebral. I recall my father telling me I should put away the "artsy fartsy" stuff. He also wanted me to work more after school, so told me to abandon sports. Sure, I wasn't great at sports, but who on their death bed says they should have spent more time at work? I should have played more. Work will always be there.
Rejection from father is a scourge. I heard a man (he may have been a grandfather, actually) yell vehemently at a child who came out of school one day because she didn't have a coat on. It wasn't even necessary to have a coat on because 1) she was spending approximately 30 seconds outside until she got to the car and 2) it was quite nice and the wind wasn't blowing. It was a complete overreaction which took me by surprise. Kids can't be expected to remember everything all the time anyway. They aren't adults. Don't treat them as such. It was a reminder for me. It was clear my father hated me. I tried to be more like my oldest brother, who was clearly the favored one, but I was eternally overlooked, even when I did better than my brothers at something (such as academics). My father always saw me in a negative light. I gave up on having a decent relationship with him and decided to do my best and love him. That doesn't mean I have to be around him. I have my own life. Looking back, it's clear both my brothers felt the same way about my father at times. My brothers treated me poorly, as well. I often wonder why. Did they see me as a threat? They certainly were no Charlie St. Cloud (that movie always makes me cry).
Rejection from children is harsh. We sometimes get a taste of it in the adolescent years. It's made worse by favoritism, as that adds fuel the fire. My relationship with my son greatly improved after I started praying about us differently. God honored the desire of my heart to have a better relationship. We both have work to do, but we're doing better. A person I was working with once said they didn't expect anyone to love them until they had children. I thought a moment and knew, even though I didn't have a child then, our kids will hurt us in ways no one else could. It's something you aren't prepared for, but it happens.
I felt all kinds of rejection in the past. I'm pretty sure every Christian will face something awful coming at them from their coworkers or their job at some point. The devil would be remiss to not take advantage of that. It can range from annoyance to outright terror. We all seem to be tried in that way, but there are helpful warfare prayers to break the force of those attacks. I pray over my job and coworkers at least twice a day. Still, some days still aren't worth clocking in for.
The worst kind of rejection is intimate rejection from a spouse or business partner, someone who is close. It's more than betrayal. It's a war against our soul. It's meant to tear and inflict maximum damage. Nothing is more debilitating than infidelity. I experienced it for many years. I don't know if I ever got over the damage it did to me. God continues to heal me.
It was about a year into my relationship when my ex-wife (girlfriend then) cheated on me the first time. In response, I became an alcoholic. (Rejection is often a door opener and a "trigger" for sins.) Instead of walking away from the pain, I decided to kill what was hurting inside. I paid dearly for that decision. I should have walked away. When a woman makes it clear she does not want you in her life, pack your bags, sir. The reasons I hung onto a sinking vessel are lost to time. I probably felt I had nowhere else to go. What would have made it easier? If she had simply told me I was no longer welcome in her life. She wanted someone else. She didn't have feelings for me. It wasn't in her heart to have me in her life. Whatever. It would have been an incredible kindness to be told that instead of enduring what I went through the next 19 years. A woman may think she doesn't have it in her heart to tell a man she just can't do it with him anymore, but it would have been a great kindness and would have saved me nearly two decades of trying and failing to make something work all by myself. I would sincerely hope that if I found myself in a similar situation someday the woman would prioritize honesty over my feelings because that's the best thing for me. I would thank her. It is a woman's duty to tell a man she is no longer interested or doesn't see anything happening with them in the future. He needs to hear those words. Then it's up to him to honor those wishes. Sparing a man's feelings in the short-term will only cause problems in the long-term. It's much better to simply tell the truth and be done with it. She may think he already knows, but he doesn't. He needs to hear it. As many times as necessary. She may not feel like she needs to tell him the truth or that she's even capable of telling him the truth, but she needs to do it. Otherwise, that's disingenuous. She may think she's just hurting him, but she's doing him a tremendous favor instead.
This no doubt brings to mind how I chased a girl. I explained why I did so in my last post. Applying the last paragraph to that context should be simple, but I did something illogical and continued to chase her. That was my fault. I did it because I loved her and saw her incredible value (which became abundantly clear in our conversations after she broke things off with me). If she was any other woman, I would have taken the lesson learned from my failed marriage and left her alone after she broke things off. Chasing her at the moment is not possible. She made it clear having a relationship is not a priority right now. I take her at her word. If she had another reason (such as she isn't feeling it for me) for rebuffing my advances, I sincerely hope she would say so. It would be hard to hear, but I would take it to heart and thank her for the honesty. I believe it is a necessary thing on her part to tell me the truth. (No, I wouldn't harm myself. I'd be grateful she valued me enough to tell me the truth. Honesty is the best policy.) I learned some things in my 45 years. I always believed we had a true connection. That was the last thing I hung onto. If I was wrong, the kind thing to do would be to correct me.
Yeah, it's an awful sick-to-your-stomach feeling (similar to what this would cause) to have to tell someone to get lost, but doing so reaps benefits for both parties. I personally would want to be told by a woman the truth of the matter, and as soon as she figures it out. Like ripping a band-aid off. Just do it and get it over with. It's hard, but it is infinitely harder as time goes on. I want a woman to respect me enough to tell me the truth. Contrary to popular belief, men actually have no idea what women are thinking or feeling until they are told. Their feelings — or lack thereof — for us are no different. No we can't tell by the way you're behaving, what you're saying or not saying. Do you have any idea how hard women are to read?
If you think I haven't had to reject anyone, think again. I had to do it a lot, even recently. One woman I was talking to was telling me to do things contrary to what God was telling me to do. I stopped talking to her. I don't need misdirection in my life. Another one texted and said she had a dream about me (and I didn't want to know what it was) and that she was having relationship issues. Two red flags in that conversation meant I had to jump ship. I gave her biblical advice for her marriage and that was the end of that conversation. I don't want to talk to either of them again. In fact, I have no reason to be friends with women. I want one woman to talk to. I don't want more than one. I don't want women friends. One woman friend. Once that slot is filled, sorry, y'all.
Then there is the hell called self-rejection. I already stated how I tried to change myself when I was a child. That's self-rejection. I learned to accept myself and *gasp* even talk to myself in a better way over the years. I choose to see myself as God sees me, which means I have infinite value.
The worst kind of rejection is a perceived rejection from God. It's what made Cain go crazy with murderous rage. Instead of repenting, it led him further into sin. I don't feel that. It's one thing to be chastised for something I did, and quite another to feel completely abandoned by God. He's always been there. I know He will always be there.
How I handled rejection over the years changed. I used to be like, "Whatever, man," like I didn't care. As I got older and my emotions were less repressed, it became harder. But, my faith in God led me through a lot of rejection without much drama. My reactions to rejection are quite different from even a year ago. When I got the job I have now, I had already applied for perhaps 80-100 positions. It wasn't necessary that I was greeted with open arms at all of them. I needed only one job. Actually, I was seriously considered by many and was hired by two places before I got this job. My point is God supplied what I needed. That was an interesting process of faith, and it taught me lessons I continue to use every day. Another thing. No one could possibly be more rejected than Jesus was. Even now He is rejected daily by unbelievers and even His own people. There is no way any of us will ever feel the sting of rejection He faced.
The worst thing is seeing my son being rejected. I know it's not meant to hurt him, but I can see sometimes that it does. He'll go ask some kids if he can play with them and they say no or don't even answer. What's that about? I've tried to teach him everyone is different and not everyone is as friendly as they could be. (I've seen him try to change his personality to fit in, too.) Don't take it personally. It's actually a deficiency on their part. He's a lot stronger than me in many ways. He just keeps on trucking. It's in those moments I wish he had a sibling, but then I just play with him. He has so many friends. Everyone knows him, he knows everyone, and he's so outgoing, so he'll be fine. I just hope he can feel those friendships. Personally, I wanted only one friend in my life. The only one who's been there my whole life is God. I wish I had been a better friend to Him. He certainly was the best a man could have. And that leads me to the crux of this post: God won't reject you. You may feel He rejected you for a time, but He never has. That was a lie the devil told you. He loves you and moved heaven and earth to be with you for eternity. If you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, wouldn't you like to? Say something like this, "Lord Jesus, if I've never asked you into my heart before, please come into my heart and save me from all my sins." If you really mean it, He will come in and you'll have a friend who will never reject you. You'll never be alone and won't be able to say no one loves you. You just got the best deal in the universe!
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I felt I had to write this post. It's honest and also demands honesty, which is sorely lacking in a lot of relationships. Why? Why can't we be honest with one another? Life isn't a game. Just say what you mean and let the chips fall where they may. I infinitely respect that. Honesty saves a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of time for everyone. I wish everyone was honest.
Went through my phone and deleted more apps recently. Also stopped praying about certain things I've prayed for years and shifted to other things instead. Feel like I'm on the precipice of a big change so want to focus on that. Don't know what that's about. I bought a book by Derek Prince about rejection, and I'm hoping it has more insight. I'm a step away from something. I pray it's something good, but sometimes good things don't always look like good things right away. Sometimes they look quite scary.
My grandmother, who was born in 1917 (during World War I), recently stopped drinking water and I was told they wanted to put her in hospice. She's in my prayers. Even though she's 105, I believe death is the last enemy and should always be fought.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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