my careless contagion

Rejection played a big role in my life. It doesn't have to be intentional. People passively reject others all the time. It doesn't have to be something we even think about in order to reject someone. Do I think everyone who rejected me wanted to hurt me? No, in fact, I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me. It was unintentional. But, if I perceive something as rejection, it is rejection, regardless. I can't tell someone I didn't hurt them if they felt hurt by something I did. With that out of the way, here are a few things I learned about rejection. This is only my opinion.  One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fu...

  A Place in the Sun. Just the name evokes pleasant images and good feelings. Stevie Wonder is a literal musical genius and Motown legend. I don't even know where to begin. He was such an important  — and positive — influence on my childhood. Considering how awful my father was, maybe I saw Stevie as a kind of father figure. I get good feelings just hearing the opening of one of his hits and am instantly transported to a time and place I can no longer go in the flesh but which remains with me in memory. Sounds can trigger memories, much as smells or tastes do. A Place in the Sun was released in 1966 (He was 16), more than 10 years before I was born. But I love this song even today, much as I do many of Stevie's songs.  Let's look at the lyrics.  Like a long, lonely stream I keep runnin' towards a dream Movin' on, movin' on Like a branch on a tree I keep reachin' to be free Movin' on, movin' on 'Cause there's a place in the sun Where there...

Sorry I haven't written much lately. I've been doing hot-girl shit. What is hot-girl shit? I'm glad you asked. Because I also have no idea. I think it might be how someone takes care of a horse: they comb the hair and bathe it, paying special attention to the hooves (nails?) and teeth . Maybe hot girls are like horses because horses don't do jack all day but stand around and look pretty and maybe make faces at other horses. Yeah, I'm definitely not doing that. What are dumb old donkeys doing? Trudging up a mountain with a heavy pack on their back while someone kicks them for being slow and careful and trying not to fall off the edge? I'm probably doing that. Anyway. I wrote some stuff. It may or may not be important. Okay, it isn't. It may or may not be jocular. It may or may not be an exaggeration. And I may or may not care what you think either way. Expect another post in a day or two. Or not. Whatever.  *** Sometimes we are confronted by uncomfortable tru...

This is the time and space where I'm supposed to talk about what I learned in the three years running this blog. I'm supposed to say how much I've grown (groan) or whatever. So, I guess we'll do that. I'd like to say a lot changed, but that never seems to be the case. I should have moved quickly in any given direction, but I felt God was telling me to wait. Instead, I got bogged down in a morass of self-pity. Maybe it was necessary to stand still and heal, but with blood in the water, it was an open invitation to the sharks that swam around me. Unfortunately, I learned how cruel, pathetic, and unsympathetic people can be when one is trying to heal. I also learned they will blame you for something you didn't do just because. It makes me wonder if it does any good to try to live an upright life if I'm just going to be treated like a criminal. But that's not me. That's my disillusionment talking. Prepare for a long read.  This blog is pedagogical in nat...

So I'm back (sigh). I tucked in my tail and returned, just as I did when I quit my job recently. I did that at least two other times before, actually. I know what it is that makes me do that. It is the reason I can't stay here. The common denominator in those events is my parents. But I digress. People talk about the state of mind of someone who did something crazy like that actually matters. Our minds are seen as the pilots of our vessels. Well, I think my pilot jumped out. Without a parachute. "Good riddance," he said. Splat. An old Kenny Rogers (rest in peace) song called Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) explains that sometimes when we take a moment to check on ourselves, we find things have turned into a dumpster fire of epic proportions. That's definitely the case with me. I apologize for some of the alarming things I've written lately, but you really wouldn't believe how bad my life has become in a short amount of ...