My state of mind

So I'm back (sigh). I tucked in my tail and returned, just as I did when I quit my job recently. I did that at least two other times before, actually. I know what it is that makes me do that. It is the reason I can't stay here. The common denominator in those events is my parents. But I digress.

People talk about the state of mind of someone who did something crazy like that actually matters. Our minds are seen as the pilots of our vessels. Well, I think my pilot jumped out. Without a parachute. "Good riddance," he said. Splat.

An old Kenny Rogers (rest in peace) song called Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) explains that sometimes when we take a moment to check on ourselves, we find things have turned into a dumpster fire of epic proportions. That's definitely the case with me. I apologize for some of the alarming things I've written lately, but you really wouldn't believe how bad my life has become in a short amount of time.

I've done some really odd and not-like-me things lately. But, then again, I've done them before. So maybe they are like me. Like one day I came home and saw Oscar the Grouch in the mirror so shaved my eyebrows off. I mean, gone. No more Groucho Marx. Why do we equate eyebrows with grouchiness? I don't know, but I was suddenly less grouchy-looking. Please do this if you want to see what eyebrows add to your face. My only disappointment is no one had the guts to ask me about it. They probably just figured I lost my damn mind. They might be right.

All joking aside, I have some real problems. How can I describe my life? 

Imagine you are on a carousel, but a carousel of pain. You have the illusion of progressing because you are moving up and down and around, but you eventually realize you aren't actually going anywhere. You're just repeating the same experience endlessly or until you have to get off. I have described the source of my pain, which is more like a spring or fountain than anything else, as it seems to ever pulse with new pain. The joke is that if I went to a therapist, they would say, "Just get over it," and that would cure me. Wouldn't that be nice? 

One good thing about pain is it gives me something to write about. One bad thing about it is it gives me too much to write about. I get angry because I think I deserve something good, but it seems like I never get to have anything good. Maybe that's just my pride talking. And maybe I'm blind to the good things in my life. Anyway, it's clear I am programmed to be this way. If I was given something good, I would probably sabotage my way out of it and then say, "See, I told you I never get to have good things."

No one person represents me. My traumatic childhood experiences shattered my personality into fragments (or alters). This goes a long way to explain why I never feel complete or completely here, like part of me is always drifting away or always "on vacation." It may seem like I am simply reserved, but the truth is I simply don't have access to large swaths of myself. I have always felt less than human or fragmented, which explains a lot more than I can relate here. 

The further I read about trauma-based mind control, the more I see myself. Lately, I have been reading a lot, too. Years ago, I read Cathy O'Brien's book TRANCE Formation of America: The True Story of a Mind Controlled Slave. I've read some of Fritz Springmeier's material (I now believe this man is long dead and was probably replaced with a doppelganger because he clearly knew too much, also because his early writings and his recent material are not the same caliber, and for other reasons. Whatever. Call me crazy.). I'm currently reading one of Brice Taylor's (Susan Ford) books. Around the world, and for decades, the enemy has tirelessly worked to muster an army of mind-controlled slaves. 

We are seeing the fruit of their efforts in our society now. The way the devil works is decidedly very different from how God commands His army. The devil subverts and destroys our natural inclinations and talents, reprogramming us in the process. God's programming works with our natural talents and inclinations and doesn't destroy them. He works with us in a gentle, non-coercive way. Basically, the devil builds robots. God wants our faculties intact to follow Him and do His will. He has an army of angels who have to comply. The wonderful thing about human beings is we don't have to comply. We do so because we love Him. We have free will. Don't get me started on free will versus predestination. Yes, we are also predestined to belong to God. They are just two sides of the same coin. The fact that we believe is a sign that we were chosen.

Anyway, my point is that I am programmed through early and prolonged trauma and abuse to behave and think a certain way. Every time I try to dismantle the programming myself, it triggers a self-destruct mechanism, which protects the programming at all costs. The haphazard way in which I was programmed is still very robust. My brother Jon is responsible for most of the abuse I suffered in my childhood as well as the programming I run on. Those close to him know how he is, but they didn't see what he did when we were young. They may understand a bit, but they will never know the full truth. Then again, he programmed them, too. Anyway, I am decidedly an impressionable and trusting person and am also easily controlled. Breaking that programming has been very hard, though I have seen some progress. Ultimately, all of that is up to God, as I belong to Him.

This post is indicative of my mind right now. Messy. My writing lately has often gone off the rails. I am not thinking clearly or in my right mind. I am angry, resentful, and full of bitterness. I have argued with God almost constantly the last few years (I even wrote a post about arguing with God about eight months ago). I have said some pretty awful things to those around me lately. But mostly I have shut down and shut off, all but disappearing. 

I have some issues, clearly. I don't want to drag anyone into all of that, so read at your own discretion. I'm going to post some things in the future that are not a whole lot of fun. This blog is for me. You are welcome to read. Just understand I am not in a good place right now. But the hope is that by going through this stuff, I will get to a better place. The saying, "If you're going through hell, just keep going" rings true.

My body is a hateful mess. I believe I have heart problems. My slow heartbeat (bradycardia) causes me to feel like I am drowning at times, even to the point I fear I will pass out while sitting still. If I sit still too long, it becomes almost unbearable. This is probably why I welcome stress into my life. It gives my heart a jumpstart, but only temporarily. The other day, I experienced something I've never seen before. I went for a hike, came back, looked and both of my eyes were bloodshot. One had a sac of fluid under the surface and hurt like hell. I took some antihistamines and Tylenol and prayed about it. Increasingly, I'm seeing stuff like that in my body. Unexplainable. Troubling. Much like the rest of my world. 

It is possible I'm under attack because of my praying and stance in the spiritual world lately. Or maybe my body is just breaking down. Other strange things have happened. My blacking out when going from sitting to standing has increased and is longer than usual, requiring me to plan ahead before I get up, often standing with my hands on something supportive (and swearing, which doesn't really help) so I don't fall over. I also experienced my legs falling asleep for no reason recently. That was odd as hell. Usually, they fall asleep if the blood flow is cut off for a few minutes, but they weren't in a position to do that. Perhaps my depression lately is biologically based. That's a thought. Maybe it's a mind-body thing. I just need some probiotics or something, right?

So if you've read this far, you deserve some words. I apologize for the alarming things I've said in previous posts and even this post. I don't want anyone to worry about me, if that is the case. My writing here is marking time and significant milestones, good or bad, so I can look back someday and see where I was and what I went through and to hopefully understand myself better. I feel sorry for anyone who may be reading because I often dwell on problems and don't always mention the solutions when they appear. 

My state of mind is not what it should be. But I'm okay. I have seen tremendous trouble in my life. I just get tired of it. But I go through it and come out the other side pretty much the same. My threshold for stress is very low right now so I often lash out and say things I should not. Or maybe I should say those things more often! I don't know. All I know is things aren't easy right now, but, as always, God is in charge. What I'm dealing with is not the result of a sin issue, that much I know, unless something has not been brought to my attention. I have dealt with everything God brought to my attention. So whatever this is, it is not because I let the protective hedge down. Recent dreams have been in line with what I'm dealing with and have been a warning of things to come. I looked up the dreams' meaning and they foretold what I later experienced. Normally, I don't put stock in my dreams, but I've been praying over them recently, so believe they were a message of sorts. 

Yes, I'm a mess. Yes, I've been a mess before. Yes, I will probably be okay. No, my life is not in my hands, thank God. What you see here is a man under construction (or reconstruction), so it's not very pretty. It hurts sometimes. It's cause for alarm. But God is fixing things, and often by tearing down first. The programming that was laid in me in my childhood is deep, so God has to tear out a lot to get to it. But I trust Him. He's all I have, after all. I'm looking forward to a better state of mind, God willing. 

Maybe someday my life will be "a chocolate shake and late-night TV." But we need to get through some stuff first. This age of chaos, I pray, will end. If not, I pray God will prepare His people. We are at war, but we war not with flesh and blood. So let us make war in the heavenlies. (Jeremiah 48:10)

Thank you for reading, and God bless.