One woman

Men have probably rhapsodized — ecstatically — about women as long as they have had the language with which to do so. Women are truly special, created because God felt man should not be alone. They weren't formed from a blank, so to speak, but from the template of Adam. As such, they fill a void in man. I've known the lack of a woman most of my life. Furthermore, I've known the lack of a good woman my entire life. A good woman fills a man's void. A less-than-good woman breaks a man and makes him wish he had a void in his life. But let's not digress so soon.

I have been given the rare gift of retrospective insight. Though it is too late in life to do me any good, it is nonetheless a gift. Not everyone gets a chance to see so clearly their life's many mistakes. Perhaps one of my biggest mistakes was choosing to spend my life with a woman who was no good for me. It is easy for me to say life would have gone better had I made a better decision, but, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. In reality, no one really knows what my life would have been like had I made better decisions. Speculation is a driver of foolishness, and it's safe to say I've seen enough foolishness to last a lifetime.

All I can do is look forward. Many women could conceivably fill the void in this man. And relationships are relatively simple once you distill them down. It's really all about respect and trust. Do I have enough time to develop trust in a woman? Are women even trustable? They often seem as contrary and changeable as the wind. And sometimes as violent. Yes, there are many women in the world. But all I truly need — and want — is one woman. Not all women are created equal. The one I want excels them all.

The sun is going down on this blog, and perhaps on me. I've made what sense I could of this pitiful life, the characters I've known, the pain I've experienced, the madness of love, and the even more maddening loss of love. What is clear is life could have been different, and perhaps better, but to what degree no one knows. 

The Bible says a man who finds a wife obtains a good thing and also finds favor with the Lord. She is a gift, as all good things come from the Father of Lights. She is the gift of wholeness, completeness. Whoever holds her knows she is a treasure, as the man who held the Proverbs 31 woman surely knew. She makes even the sun to shine brighter, the nights much sweeter, the air more satisfying, and the heart stouter. With a woman like that by your side, life is worth living.

Yes, the world is full of women, and many of them good women. But this heart wants only one woman. She was seemingly taken from me, and in her presence, I feel the satisfying return of wholeness. For the man who wins her heart, I pray God shows him the trueness, the fragility, the greatness, the perfection, the pureness, and the preciousness of that heart. May that man forever know he is in the presence of one of God's finest creations. This man has not known another like her, nor will he ever again. She was crafted with precision and care unlike any I've ever seen. Though she is cracked and bruised in places, she is still the finest female I've known in my nearly 43 years. If she was made of gold, she would be no rarer. 

I know she has chosen what is best. I have chosen the best for myself, too, and that is her. I have nothing to offer but pointless devotion, while she offers far too much to expound on here. How can so many good things come from one woman? Only the God who created her knows.

***

In December of 2016 when Cindy came back into my life, I was praying God would bring the people into my life He wanted (and not allow anyone He didn't want in my life). I believe she was an answer to prayer and will always be thankful for the conversations and time we shared. I learned things from her I never would have learned any other way (and certainly far more than she ever learned from me). I pray God will bless her and all those in her life mightily and eternally. 

While I would summarize my side of our brief relationship as a starving man stealing bread (and who can blame a starving man for stealing bread to stay alive?), it was truly a blessing I will never forget. It was unexpected I fell in love so hard and for so long, and I don't know how to make sense of losing her, either, but I am changed for the better because I knew her. 

Something I need to clear up: a full 99 percent of the pain I experienced because our relationship ended happened after she severed ties, all due to the fact that I continued to push her for something she could not give. Her ending our relationship was the right thing to do since we should not have been involved at that time. In light of that information, I cannot blame her for any of the pain I endured when our relationship ended. I have only myself to blame. I consider her blameless, and that is my final consideration of what happened between us. I just wanted to clear that up in case anyone thought I harbored any ill will or that I blamed her for anything. She was consistent in her response to me. In essence, I broke my own heart by not letting go and by getting my hopes up. I guess I needed to feel something other than the darkness of my divorce. And, of course, I loved her deeply. But one can love from a distance, which is something I have learned.

Inconceivably, after my last post, my life has gotten even worse, and in myriad ways (I hate the word myriad; why did I use it?). This reinforces my thinking that letting go of this blog is a good idea. Imagine an animal being eaten alive. That's how I feel. If you're having trouble imagining that, go to YouTube and look it up; there are lots of videos. I've laid down in my own blood and offered my neck to the forces eating away at me, yet I continue to live and suffer. A bit too dramatic, perhaps, but you get the point. Maybe someday my life won't be like this. Or maybe it will get worse. A wise man once said, "Cheer up; the worst is yet to come." It's a wise exhortation because you may as well enjoy today. Who knows if tomorrow will be worse? I've lived long enough to see that wise man's words come into use many times. If anyone cares, I have one more post scheduled after this. I tried to keep it light, but it is what it is, as they say. It is possible I'll post some love poem type stuff after that (as it feels I still have a need to do that), but nothing has been written yet and I won't promise anything after the next post.

Thank you for spending your time with me on this strange journey. And may God bless you.