I'm a bad man

I'm a bad man. No, not Batman. Or any other superhero. I'm a bad man, and there is no other way to look at it. This blog is all about honesty, so let's be honest. I'm a low-down dirty dog. I've done some awful things for which I have no excuse or justification.

God doesn't grade on a curve; what's wrong for one person is wrong for another. It wasn't wrong when I left my marriage; I talked it through with God, prayed about it, then acted. However, my choice to hurt my ex-wife in the process by having a relationship while still married was wrong. Yes, society says having a relationship while being separated isn't wrong, but I'm looking to a higher authority than society. After all, society says all sorts of bad things are okay. Society tolerates Justin Bieber. Need I say more? I'm kidding, of course.

Is it okay to hurt someone who hurt you? What do I tell my son? I tell him to avoid that person and tell a person in authority what's going on but not to retaliate. When I left my marriage, what did I do? I retaliated. Just because I was hurt, it didn't give me the right to carry out judgment on her. 

God punishes His children in this world, just as I punish my son when he does wrong. It doesn't last forever, just as spanking my son doesn't last forever. And I don't keep reminding him he's done wrong. I love him and want him to do better, but once it's over, it's over. Punishment has been meted out. When God punished me for essentially cheating on my ex-wife, I lost everything. I lost her (which was okay), the girl I had fallen in love with (completely expected), my son, my home, the support of my family, and closeness with God. I was all by myself and struggled through my days — for years. God brought me closer to Him through that, and that relationship is what will carry me through many more storms (hopefully not of my making). But, it's over. God doesn't chasten us forever. I did a bad thing, but that doesn't make me a bad man, and even if I was a bad man, God's grace covers all sins. Considering I have gone so far as to plan my own death in order to right the wrongs I perpetrated in people's lives I care about, it is safe to say my remorse was out of bounds. I just wanted to fix what I broke. Sacrificing myself seemed logical at the time. But God's grace makes that scenario unnecessarily and even sinful. 

So, where do I go from here? Did I learn from my mistakes? I did. Will it ever happen again? No, and I'm sure I won't have the opportunity to do such a terrible thing again. Will I get another chance with the girl I loved or any girl, for that matter? Not likely. I believe that's a different lesson apart from all the rest and isn't some sort of punishment. Unfortunately, I think I'm just bad at relationships and have no clue what I'm doing, so it's okay if I don't get another chance to mess things up. However, if by some slim chance, I get another go with any woman, I will get down on my knees every day and ask for guidance. After all, a man who is not right with God cannot be right with a woman. I believe I've made incredible strides in that department, but I still don't want to make mistakes. 

Let's bury the idea of a bad man. There are no good men. By the same token, there are no good women. There is only one that is good, and that is God. The rest of us operate either inside or outside of God's grace and will. As for me, I will be on the inside. There is no stepping outside the line for me anymore. But, what's done is done. Would I go back and do it differently if I could? I suppose. I still want my ex to understand how deeply her repeated infidelity hurt me, but that's not my place. I'm a much kinder man than I showed her in the end. 

Now, the girl I loved, what do I owe her beyond an apology? "All's fair in love and war," they say. I did my best to show her I loved her, but it wasn't enough. Or it was too much. Whichever the case, she walked away. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that but move on. Do I think I'll ever be with another woman? No, not as long as I hold a candle for her. I read recently that unrequited love not only hurts the one who loves but also the one who cannot return that love. In fact, the one who cannot return the love often feels like a victim. Indeed, when I met the girl I loved last summer the first day, she was trembling. Literally shaking. She was terrified of me. And all of my overtures have been unwanted since she broke off our relationship almost two and a half years ago. All of those instances have hurt her. For that, I don't know how to apologize. Should a man apologize for loving a woman even though she is not his? Perhaps — when that man is me. There are some games a man cannot win, and loving a woman is mine. I have given up. I do not blame anyone. Is there fairness in war? No. One man lives while ten more die. The same goes for love. One man gets the girl and I don't. It seemed okay to me to love her even though I couldn't be with her, but even that seems unfair to her. The last thing I want to do is hurt the woman I love, so how can I write my feelings for her anymore? I don't want to cause more damage than I've already caused. Some things can be felt but not uttered. I can't put the world back to the way it was before all of this, but I can go quiet. 

I don't know what I deserve. I didn't deserve to be mistreated in my marriage. I didn't deserve to get the girl I loved. Maybe something in between is what I deserve. Quiet days by myself. Holding on to warm memories. Eeking out the rest of my days just knowing something was at one time possible but is no more. What is the end of this saga? Perhaps it is simply knowing I'm not a bad man. But not a good man either. Just a guy trying to figure stuff out.

Thanks for unraveling the mysteries of the universe with me. Until next time ...

In many ways, I'm a good guy like Keanu.

A note on this post: This post was never supposed to see the light of day. There are a few reasons for that, but suffice to say it is unproductive at best and most likely counterproductive. But, it's a good segue to posts I'm working on now, which feel like the mother lode, like I hit paydirt, like whatever mining analogy you want to make. It shows how negative my self-talk is sometimes, which is a function of the automatic failure mechanism put in me through childhood abuse I endured. In researching post-traumatic stress disorder, I began to see how most of these tentacles that were wrapped around my heart and mind went back to the same beast — the leviathan of childhood abuse. 

Imagine being in a small boat and catching a fish that's much larger than the boat. The only way you can bring it in is to take the boat to shore and land it there, but the fish keeps pulling you into deeper water where it is safer and can outmaneuver you. That's the fish I have hooked. There is the thought I should cut the line, but I don't want to let this one go. God is telling me now is the time to deal with this. My life is quiet. I am calm. There is nothing else to take my attention away from this. 

I've been hesitating to come to my blog recently. That's not because I have nothing to write about; quite the contrary, what I'm dealing with seems too large and terrifying. The PTSD post will most likely have to be broken into two parts, but I hate doing that. Everything gets two sprawly and unkempt. Anyway, my point of posting this today is to 1) tell anyone who is still reading I am, indeed, working on something I believe is very important and have not abandoned the blog, and 2) to show how absolutely defeating my self-talk is at times, which is a function of what I will talk about later. It's hard to pass up such a good example. 

This post deals with things that took place almost three years ago. It's completely unproductive and seeks to smother the love I feel for the most amazing woman I've ever known, the best and most unexpected thing that came of this whole disaster. Yes, even though I may not have a chance to be with her, I am allowed to love her. I'm not hurting anyone. I am allowed to love anyone I wish. It was her choice to walk away. It was my choice to keep loving her. I'm not stalking her or menacing her in any way. I haven't spoken to her in quite some time, and when I did I kept the conversation short and never once did I mention I loved her. At the end of the day, in spite of what my self-talk says, I am a gentleman. I most certainly am not a bad man. Just a man who did some bad things. I deserve better than what I had, which was the statement I made when I left my marriage. That statement still stands. When I took a shot at being with the girl I love, I shot for the stars. Unfortunately and expectedly, I fell far short. But no one can blame me for trying.

Thank you, again, for listening.