My Katharine Hepburn

This post may rub some the wrong way. I put forth some opinions which are not popular. I'm simply chronicling my experiences with my ex-wife.

Katharine (misspelled in the above quote) Hepburn has long been regarded as a "feminist icon," which, as a matter of fact, led my ex's mother (my ex-mother-in-law; gotta love these ever-expanding titles) to choose Katharine Hepburn as my ex's namesake. She changed the spelling to Katherine. 

What on earth does Katharine Hepburn have to do with me, you ask? My segues are brilliant. Hey, I'll tell you. 

Here's a quote from Hepburn's 2003 obituary at The Guardian:

"By the time she went to Hollywood in 1932, Hepburn was regarded as difficult and lofty. Her first employer, David O Selznick, was horrified: she wasn't beautiful, she wasn't sexy, she talked back, she didn't flatter fools. How could she survive?"  

Yep, that sounds familiar.

Though she displayed a virulent and early form of feminism, clearly seen in her preference for wearing pants, for instance, which was at the time a real departure from mainstream women's fashion, she also had an attraction for men who didn't suit her. (What is it with strong people and choosing bad relationships?) She chose men like Howard Hughes and Spencer Tracy — difficult and incredibly strong, and probably a lot like herself. Indeed, Tracy was married yet carried on a long love affair (reportedly 26 years) with Hepburn. How does that stack up for feminist goals — to be a mistress? So, though she was clearly a strong and independent woman, she chose relationships she couldn't win, probably more for the challenge than to be happy. 

She was a tomboy. She was a feminist. She was a strong, independent woman. My ex, Kate, came from a long line of strong, independent women. So I was told. And she was expected to be the same. She was. She played the script she was given. 

One of our earliest arguments was about abortion. I made sure I always wore protection because I didn't want to be remotely responsible for her killing our unborn child should she get pregnant before she wanted that. Only after about 15 years together did we occasionally stop using a condom. After I expressed my desire to leave my marriage (but obviously neglected to stop all sexual relations), she quickly became pregnant. She simply stopped telling me where she was in her cycle, and I had no reason to ask because I trusted her to tell me if we were safe and I was usually drunk anyway, so clearly was not thinking. I had to be drunk to have sex with her. But that's another discussion for another day. 

I always wanted kids with her. I never thought that would happen, though, because she didn't even want to marry me to begin with. Even after we were married, she didn't seem interested. And then it seemed too late. And I was always so tired. Lucky for me, God allowed me to have a son, for which I am forever grateful. 

Kate didn't want to take my last name. I insisted. She eventually submitted to my request. Everything was fraught with conflict. I don't care if it was what to have for dinner, what kind of sheets to put on the bed, where to go out that night, or anything else; it was always an uphill battle. She was a selfish woman who was used to having her own way, possibly just as much because she was a late-born child (her mom was 39 when she was born), basically raised like an only child because her older sister was 14 at the time of her birth, as it was because she was raised by an ultra-feminist mother (who divorced Kate's father when Kate was about six years old to be with the woman she was having an extramarital affair with). Whew.

Kate plowed through men from an early age. She had sex the first time at age 14. I was her seventh partner and not even her last. She was always in love with some man who wasn't me. There were so many, and I only know the ones she told me about. She enjoyed watching lesbian porn, and she even had a paid account at Sapphic Erotica. Now, I was no saint in that area, though it's not something I do anymore. God has dealt with me about all of that, and not because of how it affects my relationship with a woman (because I'm not in a relationship, duh) but because it affects my relationship with God. I simply cannot endure the distance it puts between us. I need Him more than anything, certainly more than my own sins. As a tangential thought, isn't it interesting that most of the porn geared toward the male audience involves dominating women — something that perhaps most (American) men will agree is not a part of their daily lives? 

Maybe the lack of what I wanted in this area is where I got the desire to find a woman from a more patriarchal culture (i.e., Slavic); I wanted more parity in my relationship. Let me clarify — I don't want to dominate a woman, but perhaps my desire to be with a girl I can dominate is overcompensation for what I lacked in my marriage. I think men and women should work together as a team. But the responsibility of decision-making and the welfare of everyone in the home sits squarely on the man's shoulders. He's built for heavy lifting, and responsibility goes back to him. His wife may influence his thinking or decisions, but he bears responsibility for decisions. That's my thinking, clearly, and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Finding a woman to comply with that sort of scenario in American culture, however, is extremely difficult, thus my desire to look outside my country. 

Am I looking right now? No. I think it's wrong to try to start a relationship when I'm clearly in love with a certain woman, which is something God has pointed out to me. Any online "dating" I did was simply trying to get over that girl, anyway, which wasn't fair to anyone, including me. And it was pointless, anyway, because I will never get over that girl. I may be over what happened between us, but I will never get over her. Clearly, I wasn't thinking logically through all of that. I want nothing to do with any other woman but the woman I'm in love with. God has made it clear the woman I could be with someday — whoever she is — belongs to Him. Going any other route will not work. If I want the right woman, I have to go through Him. I can't live the bachelor life if I'm deeply in love with a woman. It just doesn't work. Everything is telling me to sit still, to simply be, to stop whatever it is I think I should do and just trust God. 

I want harmony in my home. I don't want to fight. I left my marriage because of the constant grind of our personalities. I simply could not win. She was a gutsy, stubborn woman who opposed me to her hurt, tearing down the very fabric of her home in the process. For as smart as she was, that was incredibly stupid. 

Is this a diatribe against feminism? No, it is not. Women have had to take over roles previously occupied by men because men are not doing their jobs, and, originally, feminism had a lot going for it. It showed a lot of women they didn't have to live in abusive or neglectful relationships or put up with infidelity. But in my relationship, and that's all I can go by, it was an incredibly destructive force. A lot of American women, Christian ones even, don't recognize they are working under the same power as my ex-wife, tearing down the very fabric of their homes and instilling bitterness in their husbands. This is one big reason why it's okay if I am single for the rest of my life. I simply will not go back to that.  

Briefly, let me explain how I think a man should treat a woman, lest you think I'm a throwback to oppressive patriarchy. A man should treat his wife the same way Jesus Christ does the Church, His people. Read the Song of Solomon if you want to see how that looks. That's God's love for us. He gave Himself — gave everything — for us, His people. That's the love a man should have for his wife. He must treasure, protect, love unconditionally, and jealously (not the insecure, modern definition of that word) guard her. In doing so, he lifts her up but stops short of putting her on a pedestal. When you see a man behaving like that, it looks right. It doesn't send up red flags. It's beautiful and right. If a woman is running around on a man like that, THAT will send up red flags. My coworkers used to remark about my ex and who she was spending time with. They saw the red flags I tried to hide. It was pretty obvious to everyone, in retrospect. 

Did I stop loving Kate because she treated me poorly? No, not for a long time. Eventually, yes, and simply to protect myself. Did I want that for us? Certainly not. But, I don't think a person should live with someone they have to guard themselves against on some level. What my relationship became was abusive and hurtful. 

So, am I looking for a woman I can dominate? No, I want to be a partner with a woman, but I will take the load of responsibility. A woman has a unique perspective a man does not have. As a helpmeet, a woman can help a man understand or see things he cannot, which is invaluable. God gave her that. To ignore that is not right. Likewise, for a woman to take the lead is not right. Leadership belongs to the man. Throw tomatoes at me if you want. I know what worked and what didn't work in my relationship. 

So, I know the title of this post says, "My Katharine Hepburn," which Kate certainly was. But she is no longer mine. She proved over and over she did not belong to me. She belonged to herself — right up to the very end. And that's fine. She can belong to herself — by herself. 

No, I probably won't be with another woman. I have high standards now. I've seen the kind of woman I want, and it's okay if I don't have that. But I will never settle again. I've gotten closure recently for the end of my relationship with the woman I'm still in love with — an ending that took place almost 2.5 years ago (and if you're thinking I initiated my divorce to be with her, consider the fact I contacted my lawyer after she broke off our relationship). So, it's about time. God has told me to do some hard things, which I am doing and will continue to do. But let's stop there, otherwise, I'm going to keep talking about the woman I'm in love with, and this post is not about her. I don't even want that sweet girl in the same conversation as all of this.

Anyway, I'd like to do a roundup of sorts before I end. 

My son stopped telling me I am wrong to divorce his mom. He stopped that a few months ago, and, in fact, he started telling me about 5 months ago I should get a girlfriend (because girls know things I don't know, which is true). His mom has told him I was right to divorce her, that I had good reason to do so, that she hurt me very much (and those are all things I felt God told me years ago). It took her a couple years to get there, but she did eventually. My relationship with my son has improved immensely, though his obedience has continued to be a problem. We're working on it.

One reason I divorced my ex was I didn't want to model a bad relationship for my son. I want something better for him. I want him to see how a man should act when he loves a woman and is in a right relationship with his Maker. I did not want him to treat a woman like his father most surely would have had he stayed in a bad relationship — without respect, with resentment, at arm's length, without intimacy, without trust, without love. I figured it was better he saw nothing than that. Kids learn how to act primarily by watching. You think what you say matters more, but it's really how you act that they pick up on the most. I certainly didn't want to show him what a bad relationship looks like. While it may look like I was thinking entirely of myself in my divorce, I was not. It pained me greatly to break apart a family, but there were valid reasons to do so.

There are thoughts of going back to school, and the only thing that stops that is I promised my son I would be done after I got my associate's degree. I simply cannot sacrifice the little time I have with him to get something for myself, even though a lot of women my age won't even consider being with a man who does not have a degree. Spend much time in the online dating world and you'll see women ask for degrees like men ask for naked pictures. I'm not even kidding. I may not have an education, but I am smart. I may not have the earning potential of other men, but I have money in the bank and I (usually) make wise financial decisions. I may not have social cache, but I can treat a woman right. I believe I am a decent man who has his priorities right. But I digress.

If it looks like I've been actively avoiding this place, that's probably true. There is just so much awfulness here, and I want to feel not awful anymore. I will do what I have to do to get healthy, and I will do it as quickly as possible because I want to at least change the conversation. I may continue blogging after the bulk of my therapy is done because I will always need someone to "talk to," but I may have to start another blog to do so. Considering I may have maybe one or two readers (or possibly none, as I was convinced with my old blog it was just bot traffic, kinda like how all of my Tumblr followers are porn bots), making a switch will not upset the world in the slightest. 

I realized I've been fighting a battle on two fronts. There seems like a lot of negativity comes from those around me, judging, making me feel small, that I have no value, etc. But, I've also internalized a lot of that. I don't need to fight the same battle from myself. In short, I'm going to be kinder to myself. While my life may look small on the outside, what matters most is what God is doing inside.

So, really, nothing has changed. My life has stabilized somewhat. I've become comfortable with what God has told me to do. I've let go of the way I thought things should be. I've submitted myself to His direction. I may not be a lot of things, but I am sold out to God. Now and forever. I may not ever be in a relationship with a woman, but if you wonder where I am in the distant future, you can be sure I'll be right beside my God. And that is the greatest love story of my life. 

Thank you for following along. Until next time, God bless.