my careless contagion

This post is addressed to a particular person who won't read it, as she permanently left of my life more than a year ago. However, forgiveness is, by its nature, selfish. This is for me. Because I made a public display of my affection for her and the outfall of whatever it was we had, I felt it necessary to make a public declaration of forgiveness. Again, this isn't for anyone but me. I must forgive. I do forgive. I have forgiven. I will forgive. As many times as it crosses my mind, I forgive.  There were no words to describe what happened. It was the single biggest hurt of my already painful life. Some may say it wasn't that bad, but it's not on them to decide. The one who was hurt decides how they feel. It sent me to a primal, destructive place from which I am still returning. There is no doubt I loved her, and still there exists a residue of God's love in my heart for her, but my feelings were staunched long ago.  It was the single saddest thing that happened to ...

I wrote this post to myself. It wasn't intended to help anyone other than me, but if it helps someone else, then okay. I've gone through life trying to avoid being triggered by bad memories. As I sit here, I can cough up quite a few, but those are merely at the surface. I can recall the time my dad and I built a crude birdfeeder, which I hung pretty low (so I could fill it) on my favorite ponderosa tree. My brother later told me he would take the BB gun and go up to birds feeding on it and blow them away at point-blank range. I stopped refilling it. My dad probably thought it was a waste of time to help me build it. Then there's the time I was playfully snatching popcorn from the giant bowl my ex sat down with next to me. There was literally popcorn for ages, but she got upset and threw the whole damn bowl on me because it was her popcorn . And, of course, there are other and numerous romantic heartbreaks, which seem to be the gift that keeps on giving.  All of t...