my careless contagion

Joey, as I recall, actually looked a bit like James Dean. Joey was his name. I know he was Indian (dot, not feather), and I think he lived in Columbus. I had moved in with my girlfriend, Kate, that summer. We got our own place. I remember holding her as she cried because there were dead cockroaches in the cupboards and the fridge smelled like paint (we got it replaced). I said we'd make the place ours. These were little things. The important thing was we were doing it together.  She cheated on me with Joey, a guy she met on IRC, the same place she met me. I took her to the bus stop and picked her up from the bus stop, her mood quite different upon her return. I must have been incredibly stupid to think she was going to just hang out and have dinner with someone. He got her off. She didn't return the favor. That sounds about right for her. I should have kicked her out when she told me what happened, but instead I slept on the floor in the other room, my little bed trample...

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities.  The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated.  It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem. So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She...

**** I initially posted this last week, but I felt I misrepresented myself by doing so which made me rethink it. I'm reposting it with an explanation. I do not have any ill-will toward my ex. I cared for her deeply for many years. I wish her the best in this world and in the hereafter. She is truly an amazing human being, though she proved she is not for me. This post is meant to highlight the rift that has grown between us and how my feelings about her have changed. It's not meant to slander her or make fun of her, though I did have fun with this post. Thank you for reading. **** Today I did what I've been wanting to do for a long time. I've had them in my head. I didn't know when or how to let them out.  Yes, I made an ex joke, something along the lines of, "That's what she said." There are a million ex jokes I can make, but it usually falls to someone else to say something first. Sadly, I cannot make these jokes at work since I work with my ...

I remember kneeling by your chair as you broke down and told me what you'd done. It was almost 20 years ago, but I remember you braiding your curly hair in an anxiety-ridden state like it was yesterday. You weren't like this when I dropped you off at the bus station a few days before. Something happened in Cleveland that you didn't want to talk about. I sat and listened. You cheated on me with a boy you met on internet relay chat. His name was Joey. I knew him; he was Indian, very good looking in your estimation, I'm sure. His sister cooked you all dinner. There were other details. And then I wished I didn't know them. And then I wished you hadn't done it.  My strongest reaction as a young male with no other clear coping mechanism was to make love to you. I wanted you back. I wanted to claim you as mine again. I wanted you to know I loved you and forgave you. You clearly felt bad about what you'd done. I thought you'd take my advances and run with ...

Wreckage. How long have I lived in the wreckage of my dreams? I breathed life into us, and you poked holes in me. I built you up, and you spit on my grave. I can see myself walking down Poe Road in the dark, cigarette in mouth, backpack held loosely, and rain in my heart. There was so much I wanted to tell you, so much I HAD to tell you, but you just left me in the wreckage. Those trees beyond the playground were so dark. I felt the night seep into me as I sat on those steps and wrote page after page of pain in my notebook. There was nothing to fear, as I had seen the worst life could do to me. My life went off-script, and I followed it. Did I have a choice? I followed you, little girl, and you led me so far from home. I thought I'd never find my way back. But, here I am, alone again. Back to where it all began. Without you in my life, I breathe more easily. I never thought I'd say that.  So much of my life has been spent sifting for meaning in the wreckage. So many...

When I sit alone in my little apartment. When I toss and turn in the night and you aren't there. When I talk to my son and he seems so far away. When I think of all the times you took advantage of my heart. When I see the damage that you've done to me. When I realize what a waste it was to love you. When I cry in my car. When I cry at night. When I get down on my knees and break once again. Sometimes all that's left is anger. If you hadn't been so callous and cold-blooded. If you hadn't mistaken me for an average man and an average love. If you hadn't spent so many hours with other men. If you hadn't disregarded my feelings, even as I broke before you. If you hadn't fooled me with your foolishness, been so careless with your carelessness. If you hadn't been so wonton. If you hadn't been so utterly stupid and reckless, so endlessly belligerent toward my soul. If you hadn't been so maliciously selfish. If you hadn...