Taking a chance

The photo above is heartbreaking. But that's how I feel. I am that dog. I look terrible and who would want me, but yet I have a purpose here on earth to fulfill. I have a job for a while and then I'll be gone. 

I'm broken and beaten and scarred. Will someone take a chance on me? 

People who experienced much trauma and abuse seem to heal best when they can help others. It's no wonder I've continually sought out opportunities like that, though I often proceed in a guarded manner. One of the biggest realizations I came to through writing this blog is how much PTSD has held me back from making decisions that lead to growth and healing. As with all major (and many minor) decisions, I've decided to give all my decisions to God, as I cannot be trusted to make the right decisions. I simply don't know what is best for me. That, unfortunately, is how I am programmed.

There is a joke out there that says the biggest withdrawal symptom for recovering alcoholics and drug abusers is they get religion. Funny, right? But if you were looking for love in all the wrong places and suddenly you found it in God, can you blame them? That statement shows me how cold and cruel this world is and how little it understands those who have been abused. I didn't get religion, though, because I don't believe in religion. Religion is created by men (unless we are talking about pure religion, which Jesus talked about). But I do have a personal relationship with my Creator that is much better than before my recovery started. That is the single most important aspect of my healing. God got me here, period. 

But who wants to deal with a broken man? Who wants to deal with a man who wakes in the night with piercing anxiety because no one was ever there for him? Who wants to deal with a man whose PTSD robbed him of the ability to sometimes complete simple tasks, a man who steers himself away from anything that reminds him of previous hurtful experiences? What may seem strange to onlookers is completely logical to him. His logic is different, and the one God chose for him has to understand that. He is unique, but not always in a good way. His mind is strong and has built workarounds for almost every problem out of necessity. He's like an old truck that refuses to give up. Reliable but ugly to look at from the wrong angles. He'll get you places you never imagined, though. Who, at this stage in his life, would be willing to wager on such a man? This is why I feel I can't ever tell anyone about my past. It's an instant demerit. I don't want to be a charity case. I don't want to be misunderstood or coddled, either. I don't want her to think I'm going to snap at some point. Or that I will abuse her (what an ugly thought). I am a good man who had a tough break in life. Or a lot of them. I don't know why I was so despicably mistreated by those closest to me or why I thought that was normal. All I know is God is healing me. And, in spite of it all, I somehow ended up with a beautiful heart that simply never stops believing things can change. 

I feel the lack of a good woman in my life. I know it's a tired thread, but not for me. I still want someone to share my life with. I'm not asking for the moon. It is a simple request. Being around good people can be tremendously healing. Most of the people my age have some sort of trauma they need to heal from, too. I can be supportive as they work through that. I know what that is like. I can't heal them, but I know Who can. What I do know is I will be able to minister to her in a godly way and show her God's love, which is all anyone can ask of a partner. 

All my life, I searched for a love that would stay true. I couldn't find it myself, though I traveled many miles and spent many years waiting. I know God loves me, so you don't have to tell me that. Yes, His love is the best. I know. But I also know every good and perfect gift comes from God, and the Bible says those who desire a wife desire a good thing. This means He can give me a wife, and when He adds a blessing to our lives, He does so without adding sorrow. I will wait for that. 

In case anyone is misunderstanding me, I'm not talking about sex. I’m talking about a relationship. Yes, sex is a wonderful blessing from God that is irreplaceable and necessary to a husband/wife relationship. But I am nowhere able to think about that. I haven't had sex in years and it hasn't killed me. I thought my sex drive died for quite a while but that is because I am built a certain way. Only one woman was capable of arousing me during that time (if I can be so crass as to say that). And that was because I was in love with her. I can't have sex with a woman I don't love, so I haven't had sex since I was married. And the last too many times I had sex, it was not consensual. I have a bad taste in my mouth for it (just flat-out opposed), which isn't a godly attitude to have toward something so beautiful. I decided that sex in the future has to be agreed upon by both, and neither of us should do something we don't want to do, period. It should be in a place of trust and respect, as everything in a relationship should be. Anyway, I know I wrote all of this, but I'm not at the point where I can contemplate making love with a woman. When it happens, it will be right and wonderful; that's all I know. What I want is a friendship that grows in trust and respect to where I can contemplate intimacy. 

If someone can’t see my value I’m not going to stick around long enough for them to reject me. I’m not a peacock. That’s not what I’m saying. God will tell her I am the one. She will know. If she doesn’t know, she isn’t for me. I am a good man, much better than I have to be. I’ve done acts of kindness that literally no one understood. But I won’t tell her any of that. God will tell her. She’ll know. Or she’s not for me. I feel that when God blesses two people being together, He puts it in both their hearts, not just one's. It's either there or it's not. Yes, love can grow. If we are patient. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about desire, which comes before love. The ability to say yes to someone has to be there first. Then love follows. I don't want someone to take a chance on me. Either they get me or they don't. I can't explain my heart to someone. Only God can reveal those things. 

You'd think just about any self-respecting girl would love to be with a good-hearted man who loves God. I know there are a lot of really nice guys out there. They're probably a lot better looking and richer, too. And without all this baggage. Maybe I am not as special as I thought. But, honestly, I don't know any other man who has a heart like me. Maybe that's the problem. I'm just too odd. I'm out of bounds with what people know, so they say "pass." Actually, I think it's just a hard no. I don't get it. Regardless, I give every dead-end situation to God (Romans 8:28). 

This is yet another someday post. Someday it will all fall into place. It's that thought that gets me out of bed in the morning, just as I think about a certain woman. I know she's out there. A quality, one-of-a-kind woman like that makes a man want to keep living. If she is out there, what else has God created to blow my mind? Life is loaded with blessings. Some of them are for me. 

I have two problems with moving forward at the moment. One is my current living situation doesn't make me a good candidate for dating. No one would understand what I'm doing, which is fine because it is temporary. That situation will evaporate and then I am free. The second problem seems unmoveable. That is the fact that I have very strong feelings for a woman.(She is all I want, period. She asked me to wait for her and I did. I’m still waiting.) But, if my feelings haven't budged in five years (actually, much longer), what is the likelihood they will change now? What forces change like this? Do you see the quandary I'm in? This is why I gave my heart to God. I was at my wit's end with a situation that had no solution. I felt God said He would bless us being together, which further confounds moving forward with anyone else. I'm so tired of this thread. I literally hate thinking and writing about it, so I think this will be the last if I can help it. I just don't know how to progress. I give up. God, please help me. 

What is this post? Am I ready to look for a mate? No. I’m scared. I put my finger in the light socket of "love" too many times. I’m doing something necessary at the moment. Then I’ll be free to contemplate this idea. But, at the end of the day, someone is already in my heart. If she wanted me, it would be easy peasy. But things are not easy peasy. So, God has my heart. He can figure it out. He made me. He made my heart. He made everything I know and everything I don’t know. He knows I’m a rescue dog with special needs and a big heart that wants to love. I think I’ll be okay. When God decides to move, things move very quickly. It's almost like you get whiplash. You pray and pray and pray for years and nothing ... then everything all at once and in a matter of hours changes. And you stand in awe because it was God and not you moving mountains. Whatever happens from here on is not my doing. God knows what is in my heart. God knows how I'm built. God knows my situation. God knows the way forward. 

***

My son got a hamster! His name is Bernie or Hammie or whatever he comes up with next. I told him he could have a hamster. If he shows he can take good care of a hamster, then we can talk about having a dog. Which is what he really wants. But I want him to prove he can take care of it first. I’ve lived with really irresponsible pet owners in the past. I won’t let him get away with that.

The weather in Nebraska has been really nice. The day I moved, it was snowing. It snowed halfway here. But here things are different, at least so far. I know winters in Nebraska can be harsh. But they aren't nearly as long as in South Dakota. People here are still mowing their lawns. Like, what? How is your grass still growing? 

My son and I like to ride our bikes around town. At least while the weather is nice. The bike paths here are nice. It’s not like riding on dirt roads where people may or may not slow down for you to get off to the side. Or pile huge amounts of dust on you. It’s much safer here. We’re probably a menace to other people with our country ways. People here seem really safety conscious to the point where I think it’s neurotic. I think they need to chill out. They’re probably thinking the same of me. Yeah, I’m wild. I’m from South Dakota.  

Let me retool my writing a little bit. (I'll be back with something more uplifting next time.) I don't want to write stuff like this anymore. But I had to get it off my chest. As always ... 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.