Stuff I'm obsessed with

Okay, maybe "obsessed" is a strong word. But here are some things I'm really into. Or moderately into. Or things I like. Or just things I'm okay with. Haha. Here is some stuff I have in my life. Or things I want in my life. Things I don't have enough of. Here is some stuff. Whatever. 

Surely I've mentioned some of these before. And I apologize for taking a break from posting for a while, as I moved and am trying to settle in (and neither of those are easy tasks), was also without internet for a week and a half, and then the data on my phone ran out. This is probably a dumb and/or redundant post, but I felt the need to write something different.

Because there is a risk of sounding OCD, I should state I'm not actually an obsessive personality. I am an ordinary man. I'm methodical, meticulous, and detail-oriented. I admit that. I keep track of things. I'm responsible and organized. Obsessed is the wrong word, but I'll use it anyway. Here are some things I'm obsessed with! 

Noodles

I love dollar store noodles. You put your hot water in there and rock and roll. Spicy is best. I like the shrimp flavor, but they're really all the same, aren't they? Nissin is a good brand. Eat some Vienna sausages on the side. (My son pronounces them Vye eee nah. Sounds real classy like. Not sure where he got that. Wink.) Noodles are good. Spicy noodles are even better. I had so many noodles that when I bought more noodles my son asked me why I bought more noodles, to which I replied, "You can't ever have enough noodles." Besides, most of the packaging is air. 

Being held closely, even knowingly

I guess you can say I miss intimacy. Intimacy with a woman. I am not obsessed with intimacy, though. (And I'm not talking about sex, which I don't even remember how to do.) It's just a nice feeling when someone grabs and holds you. It's a very human thing. I feel like a robot because I exist without human touch. When the woman who loves you holds you close, you have a feeling that is much bigger than yourself. Bigger than both of you. You connect with something eternal. It's hard to describe. By the way, those friend/church hugs are not what I'm talking about. You know the kind. The kind where they barely touch you, maybe put their arm around you but won't touch you with their body (cus leave room for the Holy Spirit, as if I'm going to get aroused from a hug or something). No, not those. Those aren't hugs. Certainly not worth giving or receiving. It's better to not be hugged at all than to get one of those dead fish hugs. Give a hug like you mean it. Nothing in life should be done halfway or halfheartedly. That is how I live my life. That is how I give hugs. 

Doing unexpected, good things for someone

It makes life worth living to see the surprise on their faces. It's beautiful to give your time, your energy, and yourself away like that. Spread yourself thin. Burn yourself on both ends. What are you saving yourself for? If you save your life, you'll lose it. Disperse goodness while you can. Life is short. 

Love

Love is the most important component of life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Love is why we are all here. (It certainly isn't to pay bills and go to work, though that is endurable if one can still love.) Your parents were in love and that's how you got here. Most importantly, God loved you and wanted you to be born so you could spend eternity with Him. Do everything in love and for love. Be driven by love. It's the most worth-it thing we have. If your love seemingly fails, it was still worth it because you are not bitter or cynical. You love because you have love in you, and loving someone is always worth it. Love, love, love! 

My Bible

You probably saw this one coming. Yes, I love my Bible. I love the Author. I've always loved the Word, but each day more and more. It's a growth process I'm so happy to be a part of. When everything else in my life is rotten, I know I can go home and open that book and be wrapped in love. It is a perfect feeling to read the Bible. My son asked me what were my two favorite things in the world and my reply was "Señor Izzy (him) and my Bible." For the record, his were similar but replaced Señor Izzy with Señor Bappy (me). 

Old advertising

Boy, times have changed. I love the old ads, though. Especially if you compare them to the politically correct ads of today. They may not fly today, but they give us a good view of a bygone era, which is a necessary thing to do from time to time. As a student of history, it's always a great source of interest for me to look back and see how far we've come (or regressed). And some are just hilariously bad. But, that's good advertising. You want people to remember a brand. It doesn't matter how you get there. 

The 1970s

I love the 70s. No, I don't want to go back to the 70s. Well, maybe. I'll get back to you on that. It wasn't perfect back then, but today's events are pretty scary, too. What I enjoy the most about the decade is the prevailing style, the aesthetic.  The bell-bottoms. The organic colors. The emphasis on natural beauty. Even the wood paneling (well ... sometimes). I'm definitely obsessed with the 70s. 

Russia

Yep, Russia. And all things Cold War and Soviet. I can't explain my obsession. Maybe because we didn't know much about the Soviet Union when I was growing up because of the Cold War. We still don't know much. It's a huge and fascinating country with a rich history. I wish I could go there and live in a dacha in the countryside with my dear wife Anastasia where we have a humble garden and a sweet tomcat named Kot. Or, at least, visit someday. The way things are going, I probably won't have that chance. But one can dream. 

Maintaining things properly

Okay, this is a bit OCD. I take care of things to the best of my ability, which is probably why I try to buy robust and reliable things. So I don't have to take care of them obsessively. It's a bit of a compulsion. It's not the worst thing to be obsessed with. Just take care of your stuff like it says in Proverbs. God gave it to you, so take care of it. The same goes for your body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. 

Tumblr

It goes without saying Tumblr is an obsession. Again, hard to explain. It was my warm and fuzzy place when I was going through a very dark time. It remains a bright spot to this day. It's like a security blanket. Is it escapism? Yeah. For a long time, my feed had some variety. Now, it seems to contain a lot of Bible verses and various things I've already named like Soviet propaganda, the 70s, old ads, nature, etc. 

Pocketnet

It's the cure for other platforms' censorship policies. And it's a lot more fun and irreverent than much of the internet. The platform was flooded with exiles banned from Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram recently so it slowed down. But I think it's moving faster now. I have a FB account which I rarely use and an IG account (again, mostly Bible verses in my feed) which I barely and probably shouldn't use. Pocketnet keeps me connected to what is really going on. And probably without giving away all my data. (Remember, data is the new currency.) 

Chernobyl

Maybe I identify with the international disaster that was a nuclear reactor melting down. Maybe I like the idea of life taking hold and persisting even in toxic environments. Maybe I just like deserted, abandoned places (which it isn't, though that is assumed). It all sounds very familiar and echoes in my soul. I don't know. But I would like to visit someday. It doesn't look like that is going to happen, but one can always hope. 

Precision

The choosing of one word over another. The right tool for the job. Perhaps the reason why I wrote so much here was I was searching for the right language. I certainly was looking for the truth. This blog wasn't so much me talking about what I knew but, rather, me simply trying to find the truth. Somewhere along the line, I surely ran into it. Whether or not any of this helped, I don't know. But it sure was an interesting ride. This blog was a means to an end. I'm not at the end yet, but I've gone through the hardest part. Onward! 

The (as in, thee) woman

I know. This is a tired thread. I'm sure no one cares but me. It's safe to say I've been obsessed with finding the love of my life. (If it was as simple as choosing, it would have already happened.) I've written about it extensively. What more can I add? It got to the point where I gave the whole thing to God. I gave Him my heart because my heart is defective. Whether God has someone for me or whether He desires that I remain as I am, I know my heart is safe. And that, friends, is something new and special. Though I would like to share my life with a good woman someday, in the meantime I rest in Him. Yes, I know God is the love of my life, but as I wrote here a million times, I would like a woman with whom to share my life, to love and embrace and walk through life with, the good and the bad. This is something I have to trust the Lord about. And I do. 

Pickles

What is better than a crunchy, juicy spear waiting for you on the edge of the plate? Or some hot and spicy chips on your burger? Pickles make everything better. Some people even put them in their soup. *head explodes*

Dollar store wafers

Vanilla, lemon, chocolate, strawberry. I love them all. They taste beautiful, airy, crispy, and delightful. Share them and you will make a friend for life. Run out of them and risk despairing of life. I don't know about you, but I despair enough of life. 

Sleep

They say we obsess over what we don’t have. Scarcity drives us. In that case, it makes sense I am obsessed with sleep. I can’t get enough. And don’t know what to do. On the off chance I sleep well one night, the next day my whole world seems different. I’m calmer and more in control. I’m more peaceful and kinder and more patient. It would be a game-changer for me to actually get sleep on a consistent basis. But I don’t. Thus, I am obsessed. 

Happy endings

This one I admit I'm obsessed with. I like the idea of happy endings and miracles. I believe they are always possible. I work for a God who supplies things like happy endings. If I didn't believe in God, I would be cynical and bitter, but I'm not. After all I've been through, I still believe a happy ending is out there. That in itself is a miracle. I believe that right now, God is telling me the time is not right for my happy ending, but that someday it will be. While it is difficult to wait, it is easier to wait when God has something wonderful in store. Amen? 

This post began with my burning desire to talk about spicy noodles. How it became this sprawling mess, I don't know. I guess that's the magic of whatever goes on in my head. Okay, maybe not magic. Maybe just MSG from the soup making my synapses misfire. 

***

I don't know what I'll write next. Perhaps about my new town, Kearney, Nebraska. Likes and dislikes. Super likes. Super duper likes. Or maybe more about pickles and soup. I know, you can't wait. Actually, I already wrote a post I would like to keep to myself for a while. It is precious to me. 

God told me to do good for those who hurt/disappointed me the most, so I'm trying to do that. My life cannot be explained any other way right now. I'm doing my best to be faithful. I'm keeping sin out of my life. I'm trying to walk and talk uprightly. This is a critical moment in my life. I have a lot of questions about my future, which I've directed at God. I'm not nearly as stressed as I thought I would be. Maybe that is yet to come. Or maybe I've actually learned something.

Another thing: I seem to have shifted some of my therapy from writing to talking to people, in person or through text. This isn't my doing, but I've had some rewarding experiences and breakthroughs. I have people in my life who care about me. And there were some things I needed to talk about, stuff I thought people wouldn't understand. They did and didn't judge me. Being heard in a new way is a game-changer. You have to understand I've lived my whole life without significant support from anyone. I was the support. I was the strong one. I was the one who carried on regardless of whether or not my needs were met. I did that until I broke down. The process of looking for answers to my brokenness started around the age of 30 (a typical age for programmed individuals to break down) and culminated in the darkest period of my life, which was my divorce. That was when this blog was born. 

Now, a few things God impressed upon me lately. I aged tremendously, like 15 years or more, over the last five years. My hair is now nearly all light. That puts my internal age around 60 and even older if you factor in a lifetime of PTSD. I hurt those around me in that time, which is not like me. I used hurtful words. I'm very ashamed of my attitude, actions, and words during that time. Going forward, I vow to stay true to what God wants me to be, which is kind, gentle, and infinitely gracious. Jesus is gentle with me. My personal tragedy didn’t give me the right to hurt others. I pray those I hurt forgive more easily than I did the things that hurt me.

More things God dealt with me about. I said numerous times Cindy was taken from me (or she rejected me). But she never belonged to me. (And she pushed me out of her life only twice in 25 years and both times she was justified.) So it follows she could not have been taken from me. She was never mine, so she couldn’t be stolen. I cannot lay claim to that wonderful woman. And, if indeed she was stolen from me, which she wasn’t, she wasn’t mine in that case, either. If someone could so easily be stolen, they aren’t yours. I was wrong to say she was stolen from me. I was also wrong to reiterate so often that she rejected me. I was simply heartbroken by the outcome and was feeling sorry for myself. I repented of my bad behavior and ask her to forgive me if it even matters anymore. It takes a big man to fess up when he is wrong. 

Further adding to my shame, I had multiple opportunities to move forward with a woman over the last few years. I feel God said I was free to do so. I declined because I was not well enough. I was full of anger and bitterness and was still so hurt. I haven't mentioned this before because I was immensely ashamed that I could not move forward, even though that was what I wanted. I was mired in self-pity. The charge that I tried to manipulate anyone to be with me doesn’t ring true. I had opportunities and let them go, which I regret. (Though I lost the chance to move forward with a woman, which still hurts on a daily basis, I took steps toward healing, which was necessary. The best thing to do with that grave disappointment was to give it to God. I give all of my mistakes to God and ask Him to make something from them.) I didn’t trust God to get me there. Regardless, my past is wiped clean. (I even deleted and destroyed as much as possible any past involvement with anyone.) There is nothing from any relationship that is still with me. They are completely gone from my heart and mind, though I am still in love with one woman. I don’t want to talk or think about the past. God forgives me, so it is wiped clean. I have a clean slate from which to start anew. My focus is on now and the future.

I went through my entire personal history with God recently and received much healing and understanding which I somehow avoided. Last year, I decided to spend large amounts of time in prayer and fasting for my country and the world, so declined any romantic adventure. In March of 2021, I took my hat out of the ring in favor of moving my son and ex to a new residence (we moved as a unit). My heart still wants to be with a woman, however. I gave up on trying to figure that out on my own and gave my heart to God. If God wants that for me, He will bring it to pass. My heart is and was set on a woman and am unable to change that. So far, He has not changed that either. I don't know how but maybe God can use that situation. Rarely does being in a person's presence make one want to walk more closely with God, but that is how I feel when I'm with her. Actually, being near her makes me want to do everything better. I want to be in her life if that is possible. Whatever God will bless. (For the record, I know it might sound strange that a woman is able to minister to me like that. Let me explain. I know I am able to minister to any woman God puts in my life (if she is willing) in a godly way, yet I've never met a woman who inspired me to live a more godly life like she does. That is one thing that sets her apart.)

Another thing God and I conversed (and I argued weakly) about was how Cindy treated me. God showed me she in no way wronged me, though I was hurt. (I don't feel hurt by anyone now.) I could not argue with His logic. I simply accepted it. Haven’t I parted ways with people? Didn’t I make mistakes and right them? There was nothing wrong with how she handled things. She had every right to do so. My final summation about the whole thing is I find NO FAULT with Cindy’s actions. She was and is a spectacular human being I wish I could have kept in my life. My actions, on the other hand, were out of line, and I take responsibility for my frankly crappy behavior (sour grapes). I apologize to her and ask for God’s forgiveness. My sins and my past do not exist in my heart or mind now. My past is forgiven and forgotten. I am at peace with everything. God doesn’t keep track of past wrongs and neither will I. I am free from whatever I was stuck in and am ready for the next step. 

On a different note, in the story of Job, we see that God turned Job's captivity only when he prayed for his wicked counselor friends, some of whom wished death upon him. It was an act of forgiveness that is beyond comprehension. God told me I need to do this for someone in my life who hurt and disappointed me for 20-plus years. In order to move forward, I must do one last thing. Though it may seem I am simply making a bad decision, what God is doing will free me forever. That is an answer to prayer, but I never would have seen this path on my own. All I have to do is get through this and then move forward with whoever God has for me. Lots of green lights ahead. Amen. 

If you care to pray, my son seems to have eczema. My father has blood clots that are threatening his life. The kind of blood thinners he takes can cause brain bleeds. My mother's eyes are very poor. She can barely see. One brother is addicted to opioids and the other I'm worried about for other reasons. I'm tremendously tired after recent events. My stress levels were so high the last few years that it was killing me. Recently, I had a day that included two naps, and this is from a person who never naps. Also, I don’t have a job yet. (I did talk with a man for about 35 minutes who wants to meet me and talk shop, but not next week, as he is on vacation.) Considering my physical condition of late, it's clear God didn't want me to start working yet, but I'm starting to feel better ... anyway, much is going on. I hope to write more soon. But, finally, dear readers, I feel I'm in a better place. I feel that is why God brought me here. 

Thank you for reading. And God bless. 

Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.