my careless contagion

I talked to the girl I love for a couple of hours yesterday. I love her dearly. It's impossible to express how much. One thing that became apparent years ago after she came back into my life (more than six years now) was how much she went through. The evidence was there. One of the first things she told me was she felt like a doormat. And then it was revealed she was neglected, abused, and cheated on. My heart went out to her because I endured much the same. I really hope she doesn't see this post in a negative light. It is a love letter of a different sort. I want her to know I will always be there for her and will do everything I can to protect her heart.  I don't know how deep the wounds go. Something tells me she put on a cheerful front for so long she doesn't even know. She is so used to distrusting she has to fight through her protective mechanisms and inclination to see my words and actions in a negative light. I pray to see her blossom and realize intimacy with ...

Into the Unknown was released in 1983 as the band's second album. After a few seconds of listening, you'll notice something is wrong. This isn't the Bad Religion everyone knows. This album, which was seemingly recorded in one key, killed the band. Greg Hetson convinced the principal members to reunite and give it another go a few years after this album bombed. The band even took back all the copies. Even copies people made of the record. It was that embarrassing. No doubt all of those were trashed.  Why am I posting a full album of a doomed record? There is a lesson here. Listen to everything Bad Religion did after this and it's fairly cohesive. There isn't a lot of experimentation. This album taught the band that the audience dictates what a band plays. Even in punk rock where you can seemingly get away with anything. Hardcore music has rigorous standards, believe it or not.  No one has to listen to this. I have my own favorite songs. I think it's a fun album. ...

The photo above is heartbreaking. But that's how I feel. I am that dog. I look terrible and who would want me, but yet I have a purpose here on earth to fulfill. I have a job for a while and then I'll be gone.  I'm broken and beaten and scarred. Will someone take a chance on me?  People who experienced much trauma and abuse seem to heal best when they can help others. It's no wonder I've continually sought out opportunities like that, though I often proceed in a guarded manner. One of the biggest realizations I came to through writing this blog is how much PTSD has held me back from making decisions that lead to growth and healing. As with all major (and many minor) decisions, I've decided to give all my decisions to God, as I cannot be trusted to make the right decisions. I simply don't know what is best for me. That, unfortunately, is how I am programmed. There is a joke out there that says the biggest withdrawal symptom for recovering alcoholics and drug ...

Like a gift, you've given your body to me. I don't take this precious thing you've put in my hands lightly. I will not drop you. I will not break you. You've been dropped too many times, my dear, and it will take your heart a long time to know I won't drop you too.  Don't for a moment think I don't know what it means for you to give me your body like this. My fingers trace the scars on your heart where you were broken and betrayed. I know you're putting your heart on the line once again and expecting the same. But I will not drop you, and I won't betray you. My heart clings to yours, and if I dropped yours, I'd drop mine too. We're tangled together and wrapped around each other with a love that has no beginning and no end.  I've studied your curves all day long. I try and fail to contain my gazes to when you've looked away, but you know I've been undressing you all day. So as my mouth tastes your mouth and my hands ...

That Saturday morning when the hammer came down I begged her not to do it I said she shouldn't see me if she had those things to say I held her hand and prayed but I could feel she was a thousand miles away When she told me  what was in her heart I could not blame her neither could I look her in the eyes The tears fell on my hands my useless, stupid hands I knew it was coming but I was paralyzed I watched her as she dressed and she became even prettier right before my eyes I can see her there in the bathroom mirror in that beautiful dress We decided we couldn't see each other anymore as we parted the hot, humid air as we sat near each other but so far apart She had to go though it seemed early I knew she was already so far away As I held her one last time her body convulsed as it was her turn to cry and then her turn to leave I can't forget her beautiful smile her perfect face ...