my careless contagion

Broken Bow, Nebraska. I moved there when I was 10 years old and moved away at 19. I saw a lot of changes in 9 years. I decided to take a trip there since I had some time and wanted to see if I could kick up anything from the past.  Sure, a lot of things came to mind. I started to recall some stuff right away. Some good, some bad. Some I wasn't sure what to do with. There certainly are some patterns that were set down here that persisted during my life, patterns for good and bad. I started reading my Bible as a boy in the house on the corner. I read that children's Bible until I bought my own. I used to play with my friend Geoff who lived next door. When I was told we were moving, I was watering my garden out back. I was told I could have another garden. I did. It was better, too. Sometimes change is hard, even if we're sure something will be better than what we have now. I'm still learning that.  We played basketball and football and baseball at that house. We had water...

How do I tell her how irreplaceable she is? How do I tell her without sounding trite or cumbersome? Words cannot convey the waves of gratitude I feel. Saying I love her does not suffice. I can show her, but that, too, is soon outgrown.  God will have to show me how to protect and appraise her. How do I show love to someone I love so much? I am just a man, yet I carry an electric current of feelings for her. How do I tell her when I think of making love to a woman, I think only of her, and the thought of being with any other woman makes me sick inside? When I walk with her and when I talk with her, I will be blind to all other women. I will see them. But not really. They will be obstacles I cannot run into like extras on a movie set. You see, she was the good girl who took care of things — the house, the kids, the finances, the family portraits, everything — while her husband was chasing women, often long into the night. While she laid awake wondering where he was and who he...

Broken.  By lovelytheband. This song was released last year. I know nothing about this band, and I think the video is stupid. And that hair. It's kind of like A Flock of Seagulls hair (only not as stiff), and that's not a compliment. What follows is another post of using a song to illustrate something in my life.  Lyrics:  I like that you're broken Broken like me Maybe that makes me a fool I like that you're lonely Lonely like me I could be lonely with you I met you late night, at a party Some trust fund baby's Brooklyn loft By the bathroom, you said let's talk But my confidence is wearing off These aren't my people These aren't my friends She grabbed my face and that's when she said I like that you're broken Broken like me Maybe that makes me a fool I like that you're lonely Lonely like me I could be lonely with you There's something tragic, but almost pure Think I could love you, but I'm not sure There's some...

I've let you go, but the memories remain like the smell after the rain. In every bad thing, there's something good to be found.  I remember the first time you met my parents, when I drove that angry old Jeep out to South Dakota and we drove through the Badlands. It was so hot my rearview mirror melted right off the windshield. We didn't have any reason to look back, though, did we?  You would sneak into my room and sleep on the floor next to me just to be close. We weren't married so we couldn't sleep together, but you couldn't help yourself.  There are so many memories; I'm sorting them now. Some are good and some are bad, but they're all us. We made them, for better or for worse.  How about the night I rolled up to your mom's house for the first time. It was December, but it wasn't cold. I saw you in the flesh for the first time. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. And the next day was Christmas Eve Day. I said I d...

It's okay to fall to pieces or to spend so much time and so much energy trying to hold yourself together It's okay to walk away sometimes and to just be alone to hide your face from people and from God himself It's okay to cry out in the night to sob uncontrollably and to wonder if anyone can hear you It's okay to let yourself down because you're trying so hard not to let those around you down because someone has to be strong It's okay to crumble at the end of the day and wish you weren't here at all because the pain sometimes takes your breath away It's okay to want your bed because that's the only place you can think of her without terror running through you It's okay to imagine her there next to you, so quiet so warm, so tender before the moment is gone again It's okay to pick up the pieces how you see fit, when you see fit and to realize some of those pieces ...

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

  *What I set in motion five years ago has come to fruition. Come home to roost. Whatever you want to say. Now I sit in the giant, rotten center of the end result of the decisions I've made. I'm surrounded by memories of things that are broken, lost, or never were. My mind is swollen with my mistakes; my heart is broken by my actions. I wonder if I will ever be able to stand again and walk out of this hurting, bleeding place. All the while, I hear a chiding voice asking me if I'm happy now. Well, am I?*     Now Don't just walk away Pretending everythings okay and you don't care about me And I know it's just no use When all your lies become your truths and I don't care Could you look me in the eye And tell me that you're happy now Would you tell it to my face Have I been erased Are you happy now Are you happy now You took all there was to take And left me with an empty plate And you don't care about it Yeah And I am givi...

Walking from empty room to empty room I feel the full weight of what I've wrought bearing down on me Walking that lonely trail brought tears to my eyes there's a last time for everything and a last time for us Remember when we walked together our son on my back down these same paths? he ate his first wild raspberries here and shared them with us This place saw us come and bid us farewell it remains but we have changed for "we" are no more My heart is broken my eyes have endless tears for the measure of our lives together here This house held us together for these three years.

It's been a long road I thought I knew things but I don't know a thing Older and wiser, sure but not wise enough I never saw this great disaster looming What made me think this time would be any different what made me think I could shed my skin I've written thousands of lines to some strange god listening somewhere but immobile, mute I should burn these pages let them rise like incense on the breeze let them rouse the slumbering god let them burn in its nose, speak in its ear Words are weak, I know words are nothing, really just sounds we lend meaning to just another weary wind blowing to and fro These lines are impregnated with pain heavy with guilt, with blame, with shame with the fullness of knowing that I have lost all How many times does a man have to pick up the pieces put his pants on, wash his face every morning like what happened didn't really happen How many times do I h...

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.