my careless contagion

Eight years ago I embarked on a new adventure. It was time to move. I was living in Ohio but learned my ex was pregnant (April 1, actually) while we were visiting my parents in Florida. I wanted to be the best dad I could be. For some reason, God took this heart desire and led me out of Ohio, leaving sinful practices behind.  One of those sins was alcoholism. It was in April eight years ago I quit drinking. I memorialize this fact every year because it was a miracle. Everything God does for us is a miracle, but this was quite a big one. I was mired in self-defeat and suicidal thoughts. I was literally trying to kill myself with drink, though I didn't even understand the reasons why. When I stopped drinking, it opened the door to further obedience, which opened more doors and brought about more miracles. In the years that followed, I became free in many more ways.  It shows you God takes what little we do, what little we give Him, and multiplies it. Give Him a little obedience ...

Above is a picture of Iron Cowboy, aka James Lawrence. Netflix is currently offering a documentary, which I have seen, about his ridiculous feats. See the description below.  I'm no Iron Cowboy. But I do have a lot of positive things going on! I'm not pushing my body like James Lawrence, but I am pushing boundaries and making gains. Many are small things, but small things add up. Everything matters, and I choose to not "despise the day of small beginnings." It's true that redheads have a measurably higher pain threshold than the rest of us, but that alone cannot explain James Lawrence's feats. Human beings are capable of amazing things. Even regular people like me can push boundaries in a good way! I dwell on problems here in my blog. That is deliberate. It's part of the understanding and problem-solving processes. However, to balance things out a bit, how about I post some positive stuff? Here we go.  I got a loveseat. This makes my livin...

Sunday, May 21, 2017, I was driving my pickup back from seeing the woman of my dreams. We had shared a very quick and very perfect 24 hours together. It was just us. Nothing else. And I think it surprised both of us by how good it was. We didn't do anything special. We went out to eat. We went to the high school track and walked around it a few times, talking. We reminisced. We kissed. It felt completely natural and relaxed.  On May 27, 2017, she started pushing back. It was such a short time period between those two events. One must have caused the other. What looked like rejection and betrayal to me was something else, something I don't have room to go into here. Clearly, what happened hurt, but it's all gone now, washed under the bridge. I've decided to rename my feelings and change my perspective, which has been extremely helpful and healing.  So, whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. Life goes on and we have to, too. While my conscience is clear and ...

"Just say you're sorry," I said, over and over again.  My son was crying, and it was obvious he felt sorry, but he just couldn't say it. He had pushed his friend off a chair while they were playing, and his friend went splaying out across the hard floor. I think he did eventually say he was sorry, but it was like pulling teeth. Why is saying sorry so hard?  I've talked about the ex-Marine teacher who humiliated me in front of my entire class (when we were trying out for parts for a play/musical thing) when I was in like the 7th grade. He made fun of the way I talked. I admit, I probably have a speech impediment of some sort (I blame my constantly-inflamed tonsils). He should have apologized in front of the entire class for humiliating me. Public mistakes deserve a public apology. And he could have apologized one-on-one for humiliating me, but he didn't. Instead, he insisted he was right that I was wrong for the small part I had and suggested I not do i...

Divorce changed me. I mean, that was the point. It was supposed to change my life, but something else happened along the way.  It's been more than six years (seven years?) since I first breathed those words out, "I'm going to leave you," to my now ex-wife. The things I've gone through in that time — first trying to save the sinking ship of my marriage and then setting the damn thing on fire — have penetrated into the very core of my being. There are phases of grief. We all know that. You don't really think about them as you're going through them, though; you just don't have that kind of perspective. It's not a linear process, but a back and forth, messy thing sometimes. But, after six years of having a heart "like a crime scene," today I feel at peace.  A divorce is like a war, but a war no one wins. It doesn't matter who came out better in the end. It doesn't matter what was lost or who got the couch (I still miss that c...

*** Spoiler alert. ***  Netflix's series You is a journey into the mind of a self-proclaimed "good guy," as in the last good guy in New York, who happens to be a serial killer. He's not just a serial killer, though; he's a guy who has convinced himself he's killing to protect those he loves. He never wants to kill. But he has to. Because he's really just a good guy who is forced into some bad situations, right?  It's hard not to see this as another brick in the wall of the narrative that there are no good guys, a theme that has been running in popular media for a few years now, highlighted most recently by the MeToo and TimesUp movements, movements I wholeheartedly agree are past due. Without getting into the irony that MeToo's great push came out of heathen Hollywood, a town long given over to vices such as giving sex for work (prostitution), let's take a look at how You fits into things.   Let me say first that I agree with the MeTo...

161 miles. That was my total for the year. When I was struggling to deal with my life at the beginning of 2018, I decided I wanted to keep track of something positive during the year. So, I decided to keep track of the miles I ran. I started out really strong in January, which is amazing because I'm sure the weather was crap. I ran 23 miles that month. The first half of the year was also strong, but with the sale of my house and with a 13-credit-hour load at school, I wasn't able to keep up that pace. Finally, in December, I finished with only two miles for a total of 161 for the year. That's not phenomenal, but it makes me realize that positive change is incremental. It makes me realize that a mile or two here really adds up. I didn't add in all the miles hiking, and I'm sure I forgot to write down a few miles, so the actual expenditure of energy is much higher than the 161 miles. I also realized I hate running long distances, so those two-, three-, and four...

I printed a picture of us that was taken almost a year and a half ago. Pretty soon it will be two years since we reconnected and started talking. Time flies when you're madly in love with someone. I'll put the picture somewhere. Maybe by my bed, maybe by my desk. I just want to remember you and that day with you that was so perfect. If only I'd made you mine when I could have, we would have had so many perfect days together.  I always thought she was special, and I always thought highly of her. She's made of something different. Other women simply don't compare. She's a rare thing, a thing of beauty. Every single day I count myself blessed she made a meteor strike in my heart, a great cavern in my chest. When she tore into me, I knew I'd never be the same. And I never want to go back to what I was like before. I've seen true beauty, and I cannot forget it. I felt things for her I never thought I'd feel. I saw things in her I never ...

Change is inevitable. It's what I need at this moment, even though I've been through piles of it in the last few years. In the last five years, I've changed jobs, moved four times, had a child, gotten a divorce, and am staring at my hands wondering if they're even capable of whatever the next step entails. Change can come from two sources — from someone outside of yourself or from the inside (you). I've realized that the change I need probably won't come from either source, which leaves me with a few possible scenarios. One of the easiest things I can do is to continue on and consider this as good as it gets. I would have to accept everything about myself that needs to change and leave it at that. The next solution would be difficult for me because of my love affair with the truth. I would have to change my state of mind and consider myself free of defects. I wouldn't need change if I was flawless, after all. The last solution is that ...