You

***Spoiler alert.*** 

Netflix's series You is a journey into the mind of a self-proclaimed "good guy," as in the last good guy in New York, who happens to be a serial killer. He's not just a serial killer, though; he's a guy who has convinced himself he's killing to protect those he loves. He never wants to kill. But he has to. Because he's really just a good guy who is forced into some bad situations, right? 

It's hard not to see this as another brick in the wall of the narrative that there are no good guys, a theme that has been running in popular media for a few years now, highlighted most recently by the MeToo and TimesUp movements, movements I wholeheartedly agree are past due. Without getting into the irony that MeToo's great push came out of heathen Hollywood, a town long given over to vices such as giving sex for work (prostitution), let's take a look at how You fits into things.  

Let me say first that I agree with the MeToo and TimesUp campaigns, as men have gotten away with being assholes for far too long. It's time we as men make real change in our culture. Cheating isn't right. Rape is always wrong. If a woman says no, then STOP. But MeToo/TimesUp is about more than sex. But, sex is, after all, where men have asserted their power over women traditionally.

There is so much information swirling around the MeToo/TimesUp movements. But the main thing I've taken away from all of this is that men are bad. Far too bad. They have to clean up their acts. I agree! But not all men are bad, which seems to be the stance that some have taken. Men's role is to provide and protect; it's been built into us over the preceding eons. We crossed a line somewhere where we no longer do those things but instead take advantage of those under our care (women and children).

Many men have taken advantage of this dynamic. Women are abused, neglected, beaten, taken advantage of sexually, and generally subjected. Sadly, many women fully agree with their position as subjects (How else can you explain the Fifty Shades franchise?) instead of God's creatures who benefit greatly by being under the protection of GODLY men, men who serve them as Christ served the church (by giving Himself for it). How many men serve the women in their lives? Herein lies the problem. Men are not godly, and patriarchy often does not work if men are ungodly. 

You keeps with the theme that all men — especially those self-proclaimed "good guys" — are evil. Penn Badgley plays Joe, the good guy/serial killer character. He does such a good job, you actually root for Joe to get the girl — Beck. This series originally aired on Lifetime Network, which makes all the sense in the world. Lifetime is what I call the Violence-Against-Women Network. It seems that every show on Lifetime involves a woman in the role of victim. Is that women's role these days? Are rape and sexual assault common enough now that all women just expect it to happen to them someday? In the same vein as having their wisdom teeth out, they'll talk about their rape? What happened?

What does this have to do with me? I have been obsessed with a woman, much as Joe's character spends the series obsessed with Beck. In a previous era, my kind of romantic obsession was normal in movies and music, only those guys didn't (spoiler alert) fucking murder the objects of their desire. I've had this conversation with myself many times, like, why am I obsessed with her? Am I just off, as in, demented? Is this love or something else? Luckily, the obsession has waned so I've gotten a clearer look at what's going on. Obsession is not love. It's something else. It's unhealthy. Serial killers stay in that mode. That's why they collect panties and teeth and diaries and such. I have left that stage and have entered an unknown stage. And I never kept any panties! What would I do with them anyway? Who keeps underwear they don't actually wear?

I want stories about good men. We NEED these stories. We need good models for your young men and boys. We need to be present in our homes, most importantly, but we also need cultural icons who do the right thing. We need John Waynes for our generation. Hollywood seems content to peddle the same ne'er-do-well man stories, though. Aren't they contributing to the problem? And let's not even get into the issue of porn, which has long been a bastion of misogyny. Porn is sex education (and relationship education) for young men these days. This is where they learn how to "do the deed" as well as how to relate to women. How many scenes depict painful or forced sex with women? Do pornographers have a responsibility in any of this? I've been in locker rooms and have heard the comments about women (girls, really), and it turned my stomach as a young man. When I hear men talk like that now, it still turns my stomach. Sadly, this is a facet of the sports world that has been protected for generations, and I don't think it will change anytime soon. Boys will be boys, they say. But what's my responsibility when I hear another man say something gross about a woman? Can I get my Libertarian mouth to say something or will it be leave-well-enough-alone? 

These issues are too large to discuss here, really, but let me focus on this. There are still good guys in this world. We love hard, we love big, and we love the right way. We respect women. We aren't perfect, but we make apologies when necessary. We protect and serve our families. We may not be the most exciting thing since sliced bread, but we are a force for good in this wicked world, a world increasingly given over to base desires and selfish attitudes. But this mess is too big for us to clean up. It's so hard when all I see and hear is how bad men are behaving. All I can do is get down on my knees and ask for a sea change in our hearts. We have effected so much pain and humiliation on women (and ourselves). How can we ever set these things straight? 


It is with a heavy heart that I close this essay. While I have to defend my position that things are out of order in men's hearts and only God can fix that, I have not let myself or other men off the hook. It's our responsibility to effect real, positive change — change that affects all of us. It's time to grow up and do the right thing. Every time. Every day. Every opportunity. Our homes and our communities, and, indeed, our nation and the world depend on it. 

One last thing I want to discuss is how watching this series made me feel. I felt awful. I saw myself in the obsession of Badley's character. No, I didn't stalk her. No, I didn't steal her underwear or her diary or her phone. But my thoughts were obsessive, which I now recognize as common when enduring a breakup. I sought to find a solution to what happened, and I also wanted to bask in the moments that were truly great. I was trying hard not to let go, but I've come to see that letting go was what I really needed. I can love her without being obsessed. What I don't like about You is the presumption that good guys are too good to be true. I was raised to be honest. I was raised to be loyal. My faith has further ensconced these things in me. I'm not going to change. But I don't want to feel bad for loving a woman hard, as I have done. There is something sinister in that. Are we all just supposed to go through life as ambivalent blobs with no desires at all? Are my feelings really that grotesque? In this day and age, sadly, they are unacceptable. And that is, perhaps, the saddest part of my many realizations of late. Will I change to suit the world around me? I may not have a choice. Even though there is nothing sinister about my feelings, the world has judged me to be a creep. And when we've made lovers creepy, we've robbed ourselves of what the world truly needs. I'm not defending monsters. But I am defending lovers who have been unfairly branded as monsters. 

I related the story about finding the used condom recently to a friend I've known for decades. I told her I'd make a bad caveman, that I could never have my way with a woman and have sex in the dirt on public land. We laughed about what a silly soul I am. I said I could give a woman a hug, though. It's sad that I'm considered a silly man because I won't take advantage of a woman. But the feeling that I've been manipulative or controlling via my posts here endures. This has led me to ponder whether or not I should continue posting. I ache as I consider this further. Is it really manipulative or controlling to post my love for a woman in a public forum, a forum she's told me she reads? If so, I must stop posting. Was watching You a wakeup call for me? Honestly, no one could read my blog and say with assurance that they don't know how much I love her. Should I feel shame for how much I love her? Perhaps. Is there anything to be gained by continuing to post? No. As someone told me recently, it's "the same old song and dance." At the end of the day, it's just words, and words mean nothing in this world.

I hope this post isn't seen as an assault on MeToo/TimesUp. Let me restate my support for these movements. However, I see a danger in labeling all men as bad, as I've seen lately. I spend a lot of time reading articles on the internet, and I don't like a lot of the cultural commentary right now. If men truly have all the power in this world, then it's up to us to change our direction. Time's up.