How to fix a broken heart

The title How to Fix a Broken Heart (by Guy Winch) seems the perfect remedy for what ails me. I bought the book and welcomed it onto my lap many evenings after my son had gone to bed. What this little book taught me was what I had gone through needn't break me. Heartbreak is a common affliction, though we don't treat it as it should be treated, and sometimes we simply ignore it. Well, I couldn't ignore my bleeding heart if I tried. It has been broken for far too long.

I cried as I read this book many times, most notably because I realized that the woman I loved was going through hell of an unspeakable kind — a kind of hell she wasn't even able to verbalize — yet I was valiantly trying to have a relationship with her. When she could barely get through her days, I was feeling rejected because she didn't want to talk about whatever stupid thing I thought was important. She surely saw this as a personal failure (or a failing of our friendship), and certainly as another reason to run away from me. Which only made me chase her harder. And feel more rejection. What a mess. Now I see how completely unfair I was being and how justified she was to push back on me. I stand corrected. And deeply humiliated and sorry. 

Another thing this little book taught me was the importance of self-compassion, as I have beat myself up for many things: how I handled my relationship with Cindy when we were younger, how I've handed a second-go with her, the blame I feel for her ending her marriage, the blame I feel for ending my own marriage, the effect on the children of these divorces, and so on and so forth. And that's just a short list. I must think pretty highly of myself to imagine myself at fault for ALL of those things. How naive I am. How conceited. How deceived and accepting of blame. I won't be the whipping boy anymore, as I've stepped back and have accepted the words of a friend that say I'm not wholly to blame for all of these things. I accept the blame for my sins, of course, and have asked forgiveness, but I refuse to accept any longer the idea I'm at fault for all of those things. Yes, I should have ended my marriage before seeking solace in the arms of another woman. Yes, I should have communicated how I felt for Cindy all those years ago. I'm human. I made mistakes. But I won't beat myself up for these things forever.

This book taught me that I have only heaped grief on top of grief, as I have been impatient and unkind to myself through this process of heartbreak. I have not given myself the time or compassion I needed. I was a bad friend to myself, speaking words of condemnation when I just needed a friend. 

I also see confirmation of what I already knew — that having a support system will help the grieving heart attain a healthy perspective sooner. My support system has done the same thing I have done to myself — heaped grief on top of grief, lengthening my healing process and perhaps, at times, derailing it entirely. I turned from the main hurt at hand to defend myself, which I now see as entirely unfair. I also see that for most of my life I've relied on myself to a fault. Without friends and family to help me, I have faltered and withered in this cruel world. Not only did I not have support, but I had to shield myself from my family in order to heal. I forgive them, of course, but I also recognize this as a stumbling block to healing.

There are some weird concepts in the book I wasn't familiar with, but I won't pass judgment on them here. If they work for someone, then I won't take away what works, and I'm aware all of our processes look different. The book also deals with the heartbreak of losing a pet, which is often overlooked. I mean, it's just a dog, right? For some people, the pain is similar and sometimes worse than losing a human loved one. For me, I simply extrapolated what I could from those sections and applied it to my own heartbreak and loss. It worked.

On the positive side, I've taken some appropriate steps to minimize and heal from the heartache I've experienced and to shorten my healing. I've added positive things to my life and have minimized distractions and endless forays into a fantasy world which does not help me grow but keeps me stuck in the same spot. Going forward is what I'm interested in, and anything short of that isn't helpful. I have weeded out unhelpful and hurtful thoughts and feelings in my time alone. I've found things that work for me that give me hope. 

This book was extremely helpful and eye-opening. I may read it a second time, as I'm sure I missed some important details. I would recommend this book to anyone having a hard time dealing with heartbreak of any sort. Unfortunately, we often feel alone in the midst of very tough times. This book tells us we are not alone, and many suffer from the same sort of trauma. Take time with your healing, but recognize that time alone will not heal you. Be mindful of your wounds and tend to them carefully just as you would your physical wounds. My heart goes out to all those dealing with emotional trauma. May God direct your healing.