Suspicious minds

Suspicious minds by Elvis Presley has always been one of my favorite songs. This song was released in 1969, way before I was born. In fact, I've never known a world with Elvis Presley, as he died about a month before I was born. 

The fact that I can listen to this song so many years after its release tells me it has a universal and timeless appeal. Unfortunately, the theme of the song is suspicion, which is a poison to any relationship.  

As I enter the great fray of singlehood, I'm faced with the realization that any woman I'm with in the future will have someone else in her heart. It could be a past lover or lovers or someone they wish they would have been with instead of me, some of them very real and some of them in the realm of fantasy. Even a girl in her 20s is bound to have someone else in her heart, someone who she keeps warm there without ever saying as much. 

Our hearts are deceitful, even to us. We think we know what's in them, but we often don't. How many times are we surprised when we feel something out of the blue? How many secret loves do they hold? And if we're surprised by what we find in ourselves, then it follows that the person we share our life with also has these hidden loves. There begins the suspicion. 

Anyone who has experienced the evil that is infidelity can attest to the poison of suspicion that enters our minds. Most of the time we can go on telling ourselves there's nothing to worry about, but there are moments that shred us and go straight to the core of our being. 

While no one can promise us 100 percent security, the person who cheats offers a smorgasbord of terrible thoughts for us to feast on. If someone is prone to negative self-talk, as I am, then our own minds offer even more sustenance to our suspicions. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the complex web of these thoughts. If our partner cannot be a willing participant in extricating us from these tangled thoughts, they grow and grow until we're enveloped in them. 

If our partner is actively cheating, whether physically or emotionally, then it just feeds this awful cycle. It doesn't take much to make someone who is insecure even more insecure. Unfortunately, cheating only makes it worse. Breaking the cycle is nearly impossible. But it has to be done if life is to be lived without all that noise. 

One of the greatest feelings I've experienced by way of my divorce is that of not knowing and not caring about what she's thinking or feeling or what she's into anymore. I simply don't care. It's a feeling I have wrapped myself up in. It's so nice. It's like stepping off a precipice and free-falling, only I never hit the ground. I'm just floating and free. My mind is unencumbered by her many neuroses and fixations. I am only responsible for myself, and it feels so good. There is no suspicion. There is no web to be snared in. My heart feels so much lighter without her, I can't even explain. 

While it may take a while, and while it may hurt, for those who are ensnared in the web of suspicion and cheating, I believe getting distance and perspective is the healthiest thing you can do. Get out. That person isn't helping you. That person is a disease. Be with someone who adds to your life in meaningful ways, and not with questions that wake you up in the middle of the night and torment you. Be with someone who calms your fears and makes you want to experience life with and not because you worry what they might do without you around. Just because it feels right to be with them. And you feel safe. Be with the one who fills in the chinks in your armor instead of laying bare your weaknesses and exploiting them. Be with the one who protects you from those suspicious thoughts. That's the one for you.