He loved big

In 41 years, I have accomplished very little of lasting importance. I haven't amassed a large amount of money. I've built no grand estate. I have a handful of friends I don't talk to. My family is basically estranged. Or I wish they would be. I've made no career for myself. I have no laurels to rest on. In short, I'm a failure.

There's one thing I have done, though. I have loved big. Let them put that on my tombstone. As big as I loved, it wasn't enough, which is a puzzlement. It was like pouring a bucket of water on a vast desert. Simply not enough. 

In spite of the ineffectiveness, it's perhaps the only thing I'm good at. I love big. I love hard. That's the way love should be. No, I'm not making a dirty joke. But love should have dimensions to it, a magnitude, a power. You should be able to feel it move from one chest to another like a force. It should be kind and gentle but should make itself known.

Love is the one thing I've found worth living for, worth showing up every day for. I know I can give love without having it returned in kind, but it's much more fun when the one you love can return it. It's been more than two years now that I've had my dear girl back in my life. My thoughts about that fact seem endless.

While she will never see herself as I see her, I know she is and always has been more than enough for me. She may see her defects, but I see all the things that make her special beyond any woman I've ever known. She's the one my heart desires and my mind ponders. There is no other like her. I can't go to the store and find another. When God made her, He broke the mold. 

I don't know where my love comes from. Maybe it's just desperation. Maybe it's just hope or wishful thinking. But it's real. Without her in my life, I can feel the love decaying, but it's decaying slowly like a radioactive isotope. Though it will lessen with time, it will endure the rest of my life. And I don't have to do a thing to keep it going. I couldn't kill it if I tried. 

A side note is just how much I miss the girl I love. I know I love her. It's not that. It's something else. I missed her after we graduated from high school and I no longer saw her every day. I missed having her around. In my awkward way of doing things, I made sure we hung out after high school. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I wanted her around always. When she came back into my life after 20 years, I knew for sure how much I had missed out. It was such a relief and blessing to have her back. And now I miss her again, as she has decided on a timeout, and whether it is permanent or not I do not know. All I know is my heart begs for her. If I missed her before, I miss her a thousand times more now. It's not that I'm trying to fill in all those years I missed out on her. No, that's impossible. I just want to know what she's thinking and feeling. And to know she's near me in some way. It's more than the fact that I love her. Even if I can't be with her, I want to be near her. I want to be in her life somehow.  

So, my life has been a failure in many ways. But let them know I loved and I loved big. Put it on my tombstone. Put it in my obituary. While I was not the best man for anyone I loved, I surely out-loved anyone who may have been better. And while it may not mean anything at the end of the day, it was how I chose to live. I loved big because that was me.