I'm an asshole

This week has been a struggle. It's hard when the blows just keep coming and I have to keep getting up every morning and slog through another miserable day. But, hey, this is the world I created. These are my decisions. I have to live with them. Pardon me while I vent, though.

My ex-wife is currently enjoying a 10-day vacation with my parents. How many ex-daughters-in-law go on vacations with their ex-in-laws (who leave their sons behind)? I mean, I can't really take a vacation anyway since I'm taking classes and someone has to take the trash out at work. It reminds me of the scene in She's Out of My League where the main character's whole family goes to Branson (all wearing their Branson Bound sweatshirts), even taking along his shitty ex-girlfriend AND her new boyfriend. I mean, it's comical, yet it's my life. You can't make this shit up.

I mean, how is one supposed to feel about this situation? What's the logic? Clearly, this broadcasts to everyone that I'M AN ASSHOLE. And, maybe, I am. I mean I just stood up for myself after 20 years of a miserable relationSHIT. I guess that makes me a bad guy. But, here's the kicker. This is the realization that blew me away: she's going to keep my son. And my parents will be okay with that. In fact, they will be overjoyed with that outcome. The only one who loses is me, but I'm a loser anyway and no one gives a shit what I want. 

It's been hard for me to come to this realization. I love my son. But, I want what's best for him. When I move away, he'll stay here with the rest of his family. No more sad dad, a dad he used to say was "broken inside." He'll have a better life. At a time when I didn't think I could take on any more sadness, here it is. More sadness. But I'm built for sadness. In fact, I was told recently I'm not happy unless I'm unhappy. You know me too well.

It's perfect, really. Everyone will be happy, and I won't put my happiness before anyone else's. So seeing everyone happy will make me happy too, and I'll get to start a new life away from my manipulative and controlling family and my crazy ex. I'll miss my son, and he'll miss me for a while, but then he won't anymore. And that's how those things happen. 

I may be sad, but I know my son will be okay. From the time he kickstarted the fun in the womb, I knew he'd be okay. He's God's child, after all. Some may see this as sad or neglectful or whatever. My son is already okay with it. He spends 99 percent of his time with his mom as it is. Kate will do what she is wont to do, which is what she's already doing, and my parents would love to have my son around all the time. Are any of these situations good for him? Who the fuck cares? Has anyone really considered what's good for my son? Did Kate really care when she drank alcohol when she was pregnant with him? Did she care when she neglected to go to her appointments while pregnant? Oh, wait, she went to two. Do my parents care that they are spoiling my son rotten, that he gets whatever he wants, that he's a tyrant, a brat, another little Kate in the making? What's one more selfish human being on this planet? Hey, just as long as they're all happy, it doesn't matter.

God knows I would do anything for my son. I moved halfway across the country because I believed he'd have a better life here. And that shows how much I know. So, it's better for me to not be in the picture. I'm a failure at being a dad. I can barely wash my own dishes and take out my own trash. He'll be in good hands, and that makes me happy enough. And sometimes that's all we need.