I don't wanna live forever

I don't want to live forever, featuring Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik, captures some of the thoughts and feelings that prevail in the wake of a breakup. While my divorce was certainly more than a simple breakup — indeed, it was a rending of lives and the end of a 20-year relationship — I identified with some of the emotions portrayed in the song. 

It was about a year ago I was listening to this song and letting it run through my mind. I imagined my soon-to-be-ex calling me to "come back home." Sadly, I was also faced with the prospect of losing the girl I had fallen in love with at the same time. It was a terrifying time. How I survived, I don't know. I guess if you close your eyes and blunder through, you can make it through just about anything. 

This song portrays an unhealthy attitude toward a breakup. There is despair and desperation, a pathetic search for something that has left for good. I am all too familiar with those things. I hate to say it, but this song closely resembles the state I was in for quite some time. It was downright awful. When I hear this song today, I cringe. 

I'm getting really good at looking back. It's a good way to learn about myself. It's also a focus of this blog. There are some not-so-pretty things back there. Pain is one thing we experience every single day of our lives, yet we forget it so quickly. Pain teaches and informs and warns. Looking back, I see so much pain. But, I also see so many lessons I can learn. Out of the intense heat and pressure I've endured, perhaps there are some diamonds worth mining. I hope so. 

I won't shy away from looking at my pain. It has gone through me and has not become a part of me. It has left me with important lessons. It has not been in vain.