my careless contagion

I have to admit, stoicism has an allure for me. Too often, I've been overwhelmed, paralyzed, pummeled, and defeated by my emotions. But, just as often, I've told myself I don't care or that I shouldn't care. This pendulum swing is something I've struggled with most of my life. I've endured so much heartache, and acting like I didn't care only let the heartache continue. I was strong through so much pain. In the end, the pain overcame all the walls I built to keep it out. I don't consider myself an emotional person. Yes, I have emotions. As I've gotten older, the repressed stuff has gotten more vocal, so I've allowed myself to show my feelings more. I see it as a volcano letting off steam. Better to have a constant release of pressure than all at once. I can't repress my feelings forever, after all. Traditionally, though, that wasn't the case. As with many men, I was reared to be mostly emotionless. And I think that's wrong. ...

Perfect by Ed Sheeran is a romantic fairytale of a song. It is beautiful. It is lyrical perfection. I imagine this song has been played thousands of times at weddings and high school dances across the world (and not just because it's a waltz). And the video — which has over 2 billion views, well — there's even a kitten in it!  I hesitate to use the word "perfect" because there is no such thing as perfection in this world. But I've used that word to describe the woman I love. I don't know if love simply blinds us to imperfections or what, but some people really do seem perfect.  During my recent visit to Nebraska, I got to hang out with the woman I am head over heels in love with. The last day, she told me I should see her as she really is without any makeup, with her hair up, and in her jammies. What did she expect me to see? I still saw the beautiful woman I'm in love with. Nothing changed for me. I'd love to wake up next to that every day. Tr...

Oh, Taylor. I don't love you, but I sure do love some of your songs. Red is one of those songs.  Red is another perfect summation of a relationship no-go. While the relationship is clearly no more, it's also not over. That doesn't make any sense, but, then again, it does. There's just something about some people that ... sticks. They stick in your head and your heart. They're just there. Forever. I have one of those people in me. Society has a lot of names for this kind of situation (infatuation? dangerous obsession?), but I don't think any of those names are true and real. And they're all seeking to name something without knowing it. From the outside. I am very much in it. Or she is in me. There is nothing dangerous or wrong about how I feel. I'm stable. I'm in my right mind. I'm just in love. I think Taylor Swift does a good job when she uses colors as labels. What is red, after all? It's the color of blood, of passion. When a wom...

I don't want to live forever , featuring Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik, captures some of the thoughts and feelings that prevail in the wake of a breakup. While my divorce was certainly more than a simple breakup — indeed, it was a rending of lives and the end of a 20-year relationship — I identified with some of the emotions portrayed in the song.  It was about a year ago I was listening to this song and letting it run through my mind. I imagined my soon-to-be-ex calling me to "come back home." Sadly, I was also faced with the prospect of losing the girl I had fallen in love with at the same time. It was a terrifying time. How I survived, I don't know. I guess if you close your eyes and blunder through, you can make it through just about anything.  This song portrays an unhealthy attitude toward a breakup. There is despair and desperation, a pathetic search for something that has left for good. I am all too familiar with those things. I hate to say it, but this s...

There's only one girl in the world I want to hear from. My heart pants for her and waits patiently (and sometimes impatiently) to hear from her. She's my heart's one desire. I've made peace with not having her, but oh, I'd love to hear her voice again. The only problem is I'm sure it would send me into space. It would be too much — like a buffet to a starving man — I'd feast until I'd become sick.  There's something in me that turned off, though, and forever. It was a rabidity I can't explain, like a ceaseless roving. Once my heart settled on her, a calmness replaced it. I answered all the questions that could be answered. I checked every box. I communed with my God until I knew all there was to know, and then I made my decision with a sureness that only comes from examining every aspect of something. Have I thought of everything? I can answer with all honesty and say, "Yes. At least, all that matters."  My fight is over. My mi...