Forever Blue part two - Graduation day

As with any loss or setback, I was afforded a moment to stop and look back and assess what my life had become. I was unhappy in the wake of my girlfriend's cheating, of course, but I was also unhappy with myself. I had wagered on a girl and had lost. My heart knew I had chosen the wrong girl. For the next 20 years, I grieved that fact. As I sit here today, I am still grieving. 

It would be the better part of two decades before I understood what happened with Cindy, the girl I thought I'd be with. I would see clearly my mistakes and missteps. And, most stunningly, I would see the gem of a girl I knew tarnished by her own relationship. It's hard to say who I grieved for the most when I realized I could have saved her from all of that.

Graduation day (featured on the Beautiful Girls soundtrack) is about a girl I should have been with. It's hard not to recognize the day we graduated as the day that separated us. I honestly thought we'd be together. When I was slammed with the heartache of infidelity, I turned back to look at the one I thought I'd be with. I missed her, but she was gone. Forever, I thought. Never in my mind could I have imagined that nearly 20 years later, she would reappear. 

There's nothing more debilitating than to know you made a mistake yet feeling stuck in it. I didn't know how to put myself in reverse and get the hell out of there. I was clearly in a bad relationship, and then Kate told me we were no longer dating. Still living together, I ached through my days, hoping she would see the amazing man I was and change her mind. I gave her time and space, and eventually, we reconciled. Only she didn't change. 

She continued her hurtful behavior for the rest of our relationship. I thought marriage would change her, and for a while it seemed it did. What I see now, looking back, is that I was the one who changed. I changed to suit her. I made my feelings disappear, numbing myself with alcohol and whatever else. My relationship contributed to my alcoholism in a big way. I couldn't be with her and not drink, which was a fact I was to learn after moving away from Ohio and quitting drinking. 

Although my divorce caused pain and discomfort to those I love and care about, I am so glad I did it. It was one of the healthiest decisions I've ever made, and a change I should have made years ago. If I could go back and do it again, yet still have my son, I would. The clarity I achieved through my separation and divorce has been life-saving. What I've seen and learned I would not give up for the world. It was like entering a new life. Indeed, it is a new life. 

I can't help but feel eternally sorry about Cindy, the girl I passed on. In one of our original conversations after not talking for 20 years, I expressed that sentiment. I passed on the good girl, which is a mistake I cannot undo. I thought she was too good for me, and indeed, she is, but that shouldn't have meant I couldn't be with her. Just because I didn't know how to be with her shouldn't have stopped me from trying. If I had only communicated this to her, she would have helped me. We would have made it work. What prevented us from being together was a lack of communication, which we made up for in record time two years ago (only to stop talking again). 

Though I know I can never go back and undo what mistakes I've made, I recognize my feelings for her remain strong after all of these years. She is the woman I should have been with. There is no doubt in my mind. We would have been good for each other, and good to each other. In the first phone conversation with her after 20 years, she said, "We would have been perfect together." While I believe that's an overstatement, I also couldn't help but agree. We would have been a perfect couple. Maybe someday we will be, God willing.