my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

This is my final post about this album. This has been a walk straight back through time, and at times I felt like a part of me was stuck in that green chair, unable to move forward. After revisiting myself all those years ago, I feel I've helped that part of me get up and move forward with the rest of me. Even though I can see myself and the room as clear as if it was yesterday (and I don't expect that to change) my soul must gather itself and leave that room.  This song, The end of everything , is very simple lyrically and sentiment, but it is complicated in action. The song is about the end of a relationship. Very simple. Except Chris Isaak says, "I don't know what to do. In my heart I still love you." Now, very complicated. I've seen people stuck like this, unable to move on, unable to do the reasonable thing, unable to extricate themselves from a bad relationship, all because they are still very much in love. It's sad, yet it shows the power of ou...

Go walking down there by Chris Isaak is a song about losing the one you love. But it's more than that. It's an angry punch at society, or at least an idea of society. It's an anger about losing the one you love and seeing those perfect people (whoever they are) having the time of their lives.  After the heartbreak of infidelity brought me to my knees, I looked with jealousy at those I thought had done things right and who had perfect lives. Anger boiled up in me. The video, using an exaggerated (and perhaps maniacal) 1960s beach movie motif, hammers this idea home. Like so many of Isaak's videos, there are pretty girls and plenty of flesh. Sometimes I wonder who is prettier, the girls or Isaak. It's hard to imagine Isaak as a pugilist, but he was indeed. Imagine his pretty face getting beaten up and nose broken seven times. It reminds me of another rocker — Social Distortion's Mike Ness — who insists on punching his way through life.  Regardless of the...

As with any loss or setback, I was afforded a moment to stop and look back and assess what my life had become. I was unhappy in the wake of my girlfriend's cheating, of course, but I was also unhappy with myself. I had wagered on a girl and had lost. My heart knew I had chosen the wrong girl. For the next 20 years, I grieved that fact. As I sit here today, I am still grieving.  It would be the better part of two decades before I understood what happened with Cindy, the girl I thought I'd be with. I would see clearly my mistakes and missteps. And, most stunningly, I would see the gem of a girl I knew tarnished by her own relationship. It's hard to say who I grieved for the most when I realized I could have saved her from all of that. Graduation day (featured on the Beautiful Girls soundtrack) is about a girl I should have been with. It's hard not to recognize the day we graduated as the day that separated us. I honestly thought we'd be together. When I was sl...

There are some songs I avoid. When I hear one on the radio it's no big deal, as I just flip to the next station. When I'm in a store and hear it come on, then I have to grit my teeth and wait it out. Some associations are hardwired into me. I have a relationship with music that is hard to explain. For Chris Isaak's Forever Blue, it's even more complicated. This album defines how I felt when I was cheated on the first time by my ex. In fact, after everything went down, I wrapped myself up in this music, and for all intents and purposes, died. As the years went on and her behavior remained the same, I found myself changing in ways I never imagined. I was murdering myself just to stay with her.  Baby did a bad bad thing by Chris Isaak will forever remind me of my then girlfriend and now ex-wife's dirty deeds. Chris Isaak was my friend after Kate cheated on me and kicked me out of the bed and onto the floor in the next room. I sat in my green thrift store chair a...