Like a lamb to slaughter

 
February 8, 2018, was the day I learned my divorce was final. It is a date I will surely commemorate in my mind for many years to come. Leading up to that day, there were many paper signings and much notarizing. I remember walking with her to the courthouse to notarize our final divorce documents. I don't believe she ever looked at them. She just wanted to get it over with. I have to admit, I did too. This was the beginning of my closure. 

I made a decision months earlier that no matter what happened with anyone else, I had reached the end of my dealing with Kate. I wanted to be done, and I made a decision to go forward with a divorce regardless. An ominous voice told me I would end up alone. I still did it. No one put a gun to my head. No one told me what to do. No one else influenced my decision. It was mine and mine alone, and I chafe at the notion that anyone else contributed to my final decision. It's nonsense. 

Having said that, it was difficult to see someone whom I had protected from harm (even from herself) advancing into the fray from separation to divorce. Like a lamb to the slaughter, she walked blindly forward with me. She was angry with me, but she acquiesced to my wishes, later saying she didn't blame me at all and our relationship was bound to end in divorce. Hearing that was a tough admission for her, surely, but nothing I didn't already know. 

There is a sense of betrayal in seeking a divorce, but the trails of betrayal go back years on both sides, crisscrossing each other and blurring the truth along the way. Yes, I admit my part in the failure of my marriage. I am not a perfect man, and together we were more imperfect. There is also a hollowness in seeking a divorce because there is nothing to fill your life with and nothing on the horizon. I was looking forward to nothing, essentially, which was strangely better than what I had. As the days marched forward, I seemingly laid still, tethered to my spot with chains of grief and agony as she ripped out of me. 

The depth of this person in you is revealed by the magnitude of pain you experience after divorce. The deeper they're in your soul, the more they tear you as they leave. For some, there is no recovery from this. They spend the rest of their days defeated and broken. I determined I would not be one of those. I would survive this. And I did. Barely. 

As I look at my divorce objectively and from a safe distance, I can now say with 100 percent sincerity that it was one of the best things I've ever done. The heartache it caused me, my son, and my ex was temporary. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but I'm glad I did. Yes, there are some things I miss about my marriage. And, yes, it's fine if I never do those things again. There are many women out there, and I'm guessing one of them is perfect for me. I won't dwell forever on a relationship that didn't work. 

While I was saddened by the devastation my divorced caused, I've seen lives put back together, and seemingly better than before. This is a clear answer to prayer. I sincerely wanted my marriage to work, and I fought for that goal. When I think of what I wanted for my future, I look back and it's always, "But I wanted that ..." That, sadly, did not want me, unfortunately, and I deserve much more than something that doesn't want me. 

For years, I was betrayed. With one final betrayal, I severed ties, and I will not mourn forever. But I will always remember February 8.