my careless contagion

The first time she broke my heart was December 1996. I didn't know it at the time, but she chose the man who ended up being her husband, a man she would have in her life for 22 years and is still tied to in her heart and by their two children.  Though it was many years ago, I remember the last conversation we had on the phone. When I hung up, I knew that would be the last time I talked to her (and it almost was, as 20 years went by). I remember she got angry at me for something. I thought it was because I brought something up she didn't want to talk about. Something difficult. She stopped talking to me for eight months. She did send me a letter, however, when she learned I was moving with my parents to another state. I threw it in the trash and never responded. I was still dreadfully hurt by her. And I was angry.  The second time was much worse. After enjoying each other immensely for a few months, shortly after the first time we had a weekend together, I could feel it....

  February 8, 2018, was the day I learned my divorce was final. It is a date I will surely commemorate in my mind for many years to come. Leading up to that day, there were many paper signings and much notarizing. I remember walking with her to the courthouse to notarize our final divorce documents. I don't believe she ever looked at them. She just wanted to get it over with. I have to admit, I did too. This was the beginning of my closure.  I made a decision months earlier that no matter what happened with anyone else, I had reached the end of my dealing with Kate. I wanted to be done, and I made a decision to go forward with a divorce regardless. An ominous voice told me I would end up alone. I still did it. No one put a gun to my head. No one told me what to do. No one else influenced my decision. It was mine and mine alone, and I chafe at the notion that anyone else contributed to my final decision. It's nonsense.  Having said that, it was difficult to see some...

At first, it was just a little drip drip then it hemorrhaged into something more soon I was sitting in a pool of it surrounded by it watching it creep out from me in a big circle It became clear some time ago I wasn't going to make it not at this rate And all I can say is I guess I'm fine because I still hear the questions and I say it all the time I guess this is okay the way my life is dripping away spreading out from me like it can't get away fast enough I guess it's okay that I went the wrong way made the wrong turn got sucked into this decay I guess it's okay that my loneliness won and I can't see past my hand because I'm losing too much blood I guess it's okay the way things feel today because I know tomorrow is going to feel worse I guess it's okay that I think so much about God because I want this to be over I want to go home These are my mistakes ...