Duplicity

It's one of the hardest things for the human mind to comprehend. A person who purports to be of one mind is found to be of a different mind, or several different minds. Duplicity is defined as "deceitfulness or double-dealing." 

Our human ancestry should inform us of this great fallibility. Our race has shown itself to be more than capable of double-dealing. Acting is a daily contrivance. We all do it. We lie in little ways and big ways to smoothe our days out. We smile when we don't want to. We laugh at the same stupid jokes we've heard before. We pretend we're happy when we're not. Look at who we idolize in our culture — actors and actresses. But they do their jobs for lots of money. The rest of us act to survive. 

The world was shocked by the news of Chris Watts' murder of his wife, Shan'ann, and his children, Bella, Celeste, and unborn baby boy. Friends and neighbors said they were the perfect couple. Smiling photos on social media further cemented that image. A neighbor said they came upon Chris and Shan'ann arguing in their driveway one day and as soon as they noticed the neighbor, they were instantly friendly with each other, switching back to perfect mode. Actors. 

 
Shan'ann knew something was amiss with Chris, some of her close friends tell us now. She was pretty sure he was cheating on her. He grew cold and distant and sex dried up. She clearly did not suspect what he was capable of or she would have protected herself and her children from him. 

It turns out Chris was being unfaithful to her. He had a mistress, Nicole Kessinger. Kessinger looked forward to her ending up with Chris, even looking up wedding dresses one week before the murders. She even Googled how to prepare for anal sex, which apparently Chris sought with her. 

There was at least one other woman, Amanda McMahon, a Tinder hookup, detailed here. This was the first "other woman" I read about. Chris, apparently, had a rape fantasy. The woman described their sex as being rough. He also pushed McMahon for anal sex.  

Kessinger knew Chris was married but thought he was ending his relationship. As it turns out, a lot of what she had been told were lies. McMahon had no idea Chris was married. But, hey, guess what, those are just a couple of the women we know about. I'm sure there were more. There always are. Men keep those little secrets in boxes. Chris had a lot of boxes.

Chris also had a gay lover, a fact that the media circus initially seized upon but backed away from, choosing to focus on Kettinger as the main plotline. Outside of the United States, this gay-lover plotline has been followed more closely. Here is a story about how Chris paid for one of his lovers, Trent Bolte, to have lip fillers. I have a sneaky feeling these stories will continue to surface for years, as the intrigue is similar to a Hollywood movie. The plotlines are fantastically sensational, similar to Scott Peterson's murder of his wife, Laci, in 2002. And there will be payouts to those who tell their stories. 

All the while, we the audience are enthralled. It's horrible to the point of being good. We hate that we can't look away, but we look anyway. How could it be true? How could a man who appeared so in love with his wife and children and who appeared so happy do such a thing?  

Anyone who has been cheated on knows a little bit of this great mystery. We ask ourselves how that person can come home to us as if nothing happened. We wonder how they can lie to us, how they can lie to themselves. I know, cheating isn't murder. We're talking about two different things. But, it's clear that Chris' web of lies was extensive. The murder of his family was the icing on the proverbial cake, so to speak. A crime novel could not have unraveled this story any better than real life. And the way the crime has been explained has catered to our desire to be entertained by the real-life folly of others. But let's not chase that rabbit. I think we all know that our media does not seek to inform us, but, rather, to entertain us. Stories like this are like manna from heaven for those in the news. I should know. I work in the news.

When I explained to someone about my marital troubles, she said, "She didn't seem like that kind of woman." Really? What does a woman like that look like? What do they act like? If we could tell from the surface what someone is like underneath, we'd never be with them in the first place. We're all actors. It took me years to have my beliefs about the woman I loved disabused. And I lived with her! Do you really think you could see this from the outside? I know, sometimes it is obvious. Most of the time, however, it is not.

My parents have expressed the belief that she has changed. Wait, you mean to tell me that you could surmise she has changed even though you didn't know she did all of those horrible things? Amazing! I watched her closely in the days leading up to our eventual divorce, and I didn't stop watching after. Everything I saw was in line with what I knew about her. She had not changed. I saw it in her until the very last day we lived together. After that, I didn't care anymore. It didn't matter. All hope had run out. 

I've talked with others who have experienced the betrayal of infidelity. The hope that the person they love has or will change is always expressed, but the poor soul in love often has to make the decision to move on to save themselves. There is something deeply hurtful in that sort of betrayal that is unlike anything else. There is a reason God allows divorce (a debatable point, I admit) in cases of infidelity. That pain is unlike anything else, and that destruction of the soul is something we need to seek protection from. For some, there is no other way but to end the relationship. Sadly, I was one of those. 

This isn't victim blaming. Bear with me. But, what if Shan'ann had realized the relationship was too far gone to salvage and had decided to divorce her husband? Would she and her children still be alive? I don't know, but I bet the chances are good they would be alive today. If you want victim blaming, then how about this story? 

No matter how good some are at concealing the truth, sometimes life conspires against them. Sometimes the truth leaks out. People see little glimpses of it. Some see more. Some go looking for it. Some hide from it, seeking to protect their little world or the ones they love from the inevitable. Sometimes we even protect the ones who are killing us. To all those who have been hurt by betrayal, who have been battered or abused, this post is for you. In the words of Henry Rollins, "He's a loser, honey, leave him." I worked with a woman once upon a time who hid in her closet to be safe from her lover. It's all too common. In Ukraine, 70 percent of women will be hit by their lover. Twenty percent of them will endure beatings regularly. 

In the United States, domestic abuse is more of the psychological or emotional kind. Don't be a willing party to abuse. Don't agree with them. You are worth being loved the right way. It may hurt to leave him, but at least there is hope that things could be different someday. If you stay, there is no hope. 

God bless.