my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

Happier is an unfortunately appropriate song for my life. The video tries to lighten the impact of the song by making it about a girl's relationship with her dog. As with any piece of art, the application is up to the viewer (or listener). For myself, I see the meaning of having to let someone go so they could be happy. It's a sad thing to realize that your very presence in someone's life has brought about unhappiness. It's even sadder to realize you have to let them go in order for them to be happy again. The worst thing is when you realize you cannot undo the sadness you've wrought in their life.  I've had this feeling in every single one of my relationships. I have always felt like I was saddening the other person in some way, like I just could not measure up. When I realized I wasn't ever going to measure up to Cindy, that she was too good for me, I effectively let her go. She was thereafter with a much better man than me. He's accomplished s...