my careless contagion

The song says I know there will be brighter days. It's a good sentiment for those who aren't experiencing those brighter days at the moment. The reason I post this is I drive around all day in my truck ( this song seems to get played a lot, too, and I certainly drive circles around this town ), and sometimes it gets a little lonely. I do my job. Sometimes I have to call people. Knock on doors. Get chased by dogs. But, mostly, I'm by myself. I pray. Pray in tongues. Talk to God. I still feel lonely. So, I turn on the radio and drive around, which is something I used to do when I was younger. It was better than being in the house. This song is on quite a bit. I think a lot of people are experiencing a downturn right now, so this song hits the mark.  What does it have to do with me, though? In Matthew there is a verse that says blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. This is a biblical precept, especially when we ask God into our lives. It is a promise. I clai...

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe." (Proverbs 18:10) The above proverb relates to a recent post about the names of God. The very name of God is a strong tower or defense. According to Philippians 2:9-11 ( Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father), there is nothing higher than the name of Jesus Christ (nor more powerful!). And, as Christians are supposed to point the way to Jesus Christ, Jesus points the way to the Father. In Him is found everything we need or want. In these present times, which are more than a little uncertain, some things remain certain. Those things are found in my Bible, from which I daily seek comfort. Lately, I've been spen...

Recently I felt God convicted me of something. I'll mention that in a little bit. But first, I want to talk about the names of God. During these strange and troubling times, it is important to keep our eyes on God because "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." (Isaiah 26:3)  For those who are sick (or afraid they will get sick), claim this promise: " Bless the Lord , O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Psalm 103:2-5) Recently, I came across the photo below which lists 17 names of God. Of course, the term "recently" doesn't mean much right now. I feel like I'm in a time warp. It may have been last year, actually...

For this post, I reprise my role as Sad Keanu. Go away, bird. This post is a milestone — post number 300! I've been writing steadily for more than a year and a half (sometimes posting multiple times a day) about my various struggles. This space is a safe, healing place where I can fall apart and reassemble myself in front of a largely anonymous audience. In short, this is my therapy. But I need a break.  I've put so many thoughts and feelings here in a relatively short amount of time, and after my recent trip to Nebraska, I decided to slow down. There feels like a backlog of things I need to process. There are four drafts I have yet to post, three of which contain some beautiful sentiments, so I will post them. The fourth post I've been working on for weeks and is tentatively titled "Fifty reasons why I won't get the girl." I have not decided whether it will be seen or not. On one hand, it is part of my thought process and needs to be documented her...

This is the end of the road for me. Okay, not really. But, there are some themes I want to put away, as I feel I've gotten tremendous closure for things that have haunted me for eons. Coming back to this place at this point in time has given me tremendous insight into my childhood and the years after. I've seen myself through my son's eyes. I've seen my parents through new eyes. Hell, I've seen the world with new eyes. I've gotten the rare gift of a second chance at life. When I leave here, I know I'll take my biggest problem with me, but I've had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to truly sit down, converse with, and understand myself. I walk away from here more at peace than I've been in years.  There are things I will no longer write about because I've done a tremendous amount of work to understand and clean up those messes. I'm glad to be done with them. There will still be trickles of these themes from time to time, I'm sure, ...

The truth is a two-edged sword. It liberates you, but sometimes what it liberates you from is yourself. It cuts to the bone, severing tendons and muscle and ligaments. Nothing stands in its way when it comes to dividing truth from fiction. Sometimes what it makes you see is the very thing you want to hide from.  Love doesn't matter. I'm not a cynic. It's not just bitterness talking. I mean, of all the things in the world that matter, love is at the bottom. Money matters. Good health, sure. Family, friends, a good head on your shoulders, maybe an education or a job with a good benefits package; all of that matters. Love, well, love is Tinsel Town stuff, frippery, the kind of thing that sells books and movies because people like to believe in it, but it's absolute shit.  My whole life, I thought love mattered. Sitting here now, I realize nothing could be further from the truth. Human love is not worth spit. There is no human good enough to die for, or, well, to lo...

There's something wrong in all of this, something I cannot figure out. Something is turning me away from walking down that dark corridor and into a greater understanding. It's not a matter of who is to blame. It's just a matter of knowing the truth, whether it's ugly or not. I've never shied away from knowing the truth; it's been the only thing I've ever cared about. It's my vocation; everything else is just a job. That girl is a puzzle. There's something impossible about her. What drove me so far away from her? What led me back? I thought she would be mine; I thought she rejected me. What on earth happened all those years ago? Is there any way to know? Is there anything I can do short of falling on my face and pleading to the Almighty for answers? All I hear is, "The past is the past."  Then it happened again. The same thing. I was drawn back to that place, to that same puzzled hurt. When I look in the mirror, it's clea...