Irked
What was once a feeling of being bothered by my ex-spouse has turned into a full-blown feeling of being irked. All the time. In fact, I would say it sometimes turns grotesque. But we won't talk about that. Why am I so angry?
I think it's a natural thing to dislike the person you divorced, right? Otherwise, why the hell did you divorce them? There are some reasons why that could happen, I realize, but eventually, in order to move on, your feelings have to reconcile with the facts. And the fact is she irks me.
I have to work with my ex-wife for the time being. I mean, I could probably get a job waiting tables, but it wouldn't pay me as much as this one (also, I'm pretty sure I don't care how you like your steak, sir), most likely, and the end goal is to save money and move away from here. I don't like where I live, and it seems like everyone here dies of cancer. Really, no one dies from anything else. Why is it always cancer? Is there something in the water? Maybe it has something to do with the extremely long winters like last winter? I mean, if the old timers say it was the worst they've seen, then maybe cancer is preferable to living through that. I realize none of that makes sense, but I digress.
Besides the obvious reasons of infidelity, her selfishness, and the endless conflict we had, there were other creeping things about my ex that led to divorce. She has a wall of denial, even now, that is impenetrable. It's exhausting trying to get past that. She's horribly irresponsible. She's even a horrible driver. Doesn't take care of things. And she's always right. In short, she's exhausting.
She talks to herself. A lot. At work, it drives me absolutely nuts. Why the fuck would everyone want to hear all of your thoughts all day long? We are all in one big room here. Shut the fuck up. I can't concentrate on my search for meaning. Or memes. Whichever.
Seriously, though, I cannot express how incessant the talking to herself is. Everyone talks to themselves at some point, I realize. Not everyone does it constantly all day long every fucking day. It's just her way of controlling the room even when she isn't talking. I have shushed her and told her to be quiet, but she continues this madness just to grate on my last nerve.
Oh, and she is such a lovely person. She's ultra-religious now. People can't compliment her without her extolling all of God's blessings. Everything she says is God, God, God. You know, in religious matters, a little goes a long way. I know this woman. Every time she says something about God, I want to gag. She has taken her wall of denial and painted it a gaudy religious hue. It actually makes my stomach turn, and I'm pretty sure when someone talks about my God, I'm not supposed to feel that way. There is something rotten there, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who smells it.
Think I'm overreacting? When my son tells me I have the "words of Satan" coming out of my mouth when I say dad isn't going to live with mom anymore, something ain't right. And when he tells me just as quickly his mother has the "words of God" coming out of her mouth when she says we'll all be together again, I feel pure rage welling up in me. She is taking the faith of this child and twisting it to suit her selfish means. I have confronted her multiple times about this (because he has said it multiple times), and it's like talking to a brick fucking wall (which is nothing new), and she does not deny she said these things. It's infuriating that she would so carelessly misuse the faith of her own child to further her demented stupidity. She is repugnant.
What's going to happen when mom and dad don't get together? Who will he be more angry and disappointed with, me or God? She is poisoning the well of his spirituality and the belief that his father is a good man. We will never get back together because she is a disgusting human being, and that veneer of religiousness is something I see right through. She's just as selfish and self-serving as she has always been, only this time under a religious guise. It's an extreme form of manipulation where it looks like something good but it is nothing but pure evil. I can't even imagine what happens in the hearts of people in his church when my little boy prays that his dad will "come home." They must think I'm a monster. And his mom is oh so pious and sweet, so longsuffering. Haha. Disgusting! Think I'm imagining these things? Their pastor used to stop into the office frequently, and this is exactly the vibe I got from him.
All the years we were together, I had to hear about all the things I did that irked her. Yes, dear readers, I am far from perfect. I was condescending at times. I was messy at times, leaving little piles of things to read or reminders of what needed to be done. Sometimes those reminders stayed there a long time because I couldn't find time to do them. Or remember to put them away. I have strange idiosyncrasies. I'm very particular about some things. I have moments when I feel all is lost. I push people away frequently. But, overall, I have a good heart, a heart that wants to do the right thing. Sometimes I'm just ... weak. And in those moments, woe is me. It's best to just leave me on the couch with the clicker and go grocery shopping or something.
However, the reasons why I divorced her still exist. They will always exist. They define her. This is not another dissertation about why I divorced her. This is simply me venting. This is me being angry and figuratively beating my fists on the walls.
I know we all get on each other's nerves sometimes, especially spouses. But love breaks through all of that. There are arguments and misunderstandings. Love brushes it aside. When all of those things start to pile up, though, it means love has left the building. And so it was with my ex-wife and me. Those things piled up and nothing swept them away. Of course, all is forgiven. But my anger is separate from that. If I don't allow myself to be angry, it will fester. I must let it surface and face it. If I ignore it, it will only get worse. And so I am angry. I won't be angry forever. She won't always be such a menace. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to see her. Until then, though, I will be irked.
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