50 reasons I'm bad at relationships (and other dumb stuff about me)
Fifty reasons why I am bad at relationships (and life in general). Haha, prepare yourself for a long post. It's quite possible I made some of these up. Hint: I didn't make up the first one. Or the last one.
1) My voice is shitty. It vacillates between sounding like Hank Hill, the protagonist of King of the Hill (an animated series created by Mike Judge), and Ned Flanders from The Simpsons. I'm surprised I was allowed to have sex with a woman, any woman, with a voice like this. I'm pretty sure there's a law against it. Don't make me yell for any reason or bears will come out of the forest and eat babies out of sheer annoyance. I sound like a dying pterodactyl. Making love to another dying pterodactyl. *Shudder*
2) My sex drive went for a drive and never came back. Considering what I have to offer women, that's probably okay. I don't think anyone is going to feel sad they're missing out on my gummy worm. Actually, it's more like a gummy bear.
3) I have an extremely low tolerance for people. All people, regardless of their identifying features. Sometimes I don't even want to deal with myself. I look in the mirror and think, "Oh, you again? Why don't you go away?" And then I walk away.
4) I think the only reason I want to be in a relationship is to have sex. But, referring back to reason #2, this is moot. This leaves me with no reason to put up with a woman's bullshit. Unless you want to wash my socks. But first, you have to find them. I like to throw them from across my apartment into a dark room in the general vicinity of the laundry basket (which may or may not be witnessing the mutation of my sebum-soaked workout clothes at the moment). Again, *shudder*.
5) I seem to be a state of near-exhaustion at all times. I don't know what is wrong with me. If I take B vitamins, it helps for a while. If I get a really good night of sleep, then I feel on top of the world. But that never happens. There may be something wrong with my heart because I frequently blackout, as in, I can't see anything at all for way longer than what is comfortable. Sometimes I fall over, too, which is fun. My son asks me what's wrong a lot, to which I reply I'm just getting old and am ready to die. Nothing to worry about, though.
6) My pre-sleep routine involves a whole lot of weird acrobatics designed to sing me to sleep. But it never works. My sleeping involves a whole lot of ... not sleeping. I'm told I snore, and this is true, as it sometimes wakes me up. I used to say just wake me up and tell me I'm snoring, but please don't do that because it takes forever to get back to sleep. That will piss me off. Just push me onto my side. Don't push me off the bed because that, too, will piss me off. If I'm already on my side and still snoring, then smother me with pillows until I stop breathing. That will stop all future snoring. But you'll have to explain some things to the authorities. Mainly, why didn't you smother him sooner?
7) After sex, I am dead. Don't expect to snuggle. I want to turn over and sleep like a dead person. As soon as I orgasm, I want to sleep. Please don't talk to me. Don't try to have "a moment." Just leave me alone. This will be the best sleep I've had since the last time I had sex. I need this. I'm not being rude. Just leave me the hell alone while I drop off a cliff into the abyss of sleep.
8) I have a doughy dad body. Okay, maybe I'm fat. This is a revelation I have long avoided. But I cannot ignore it any longer. Lucky for me, many women, according to this article, find dad bods alluring. Haha, okay. Freebie.
9) I don't want to know about your day. I just want to bend you over the counter and have my way with you until you orgasm seven times (and hopefully me once). And then go to sleep. You're welcome. Oh, wait, #2. How about we just watch TV and don't talk? Because I really don't want to talk about your day. Or my day. Thanks.
10) I constantly transpose letters when I type. It's infinitely frustrating. I didn't always have this problem. I think there is miscommunication between some of my fingers because of lingering damage in my right hand. The word "the" becomes "hte." Do you see a lot of the word "the" on this page? Yes, now imagine me retyping all of them and swearing at myself. Now multiply that times ten because I do that with other words, too. Go ahead, laugh at me, you SOBs.
11) Sometimes I don't know when someone is finished talking so I don't say anything until they talk again, and things go on like that, sometimes for years.
12) Sometimes I sit down to pee. Usually because I don't want to turn on a light. But sometimes because I am weary of the world and want to sit down for a minute. Considering the urine-y damage that may occur to the bathroom if I were to stand up and pee in this state, this may actually be a big plus for a future relationship.
13) I have an effed-up sense of humor no one seems to understand. Its sole purpose is to make me laugh, which is contrary to what most people think a sense of humor should be — to make others laugh.
14) I've been guilty of unwanted sexual intercourse. I mean, it wasn't rape. It was just a misunderstanding, and as soon as I understood that, I was out. I feel like a woman has a chance to say no at any point, even after the panties come off. And if she says no, I'm out. It's happened before. I didn't mean anything by it, of course. There's a difference between being a dick and misreading the situation. Then, as if I can go on functioning with this knowledge, a woman told me recently, "Sometimes no means yes." Thank you for that. Now I will forever not know what the hell is going on.
15) I think every boy should have a puppy. But, I got my son some triops. This makes me a bad human being, but I don't have space for a dog. Don't know what triops are? Neither did I until I looked them up. You can do the same. Maybe we'll upgrade to a goldfish after the triops die. But a goldfish is a lot of commitment. I like little or no commitment. Think weeks instead of months. My son even had a pet moth for like an hour. That was cool. Don't overstay your welcome.
16) After what felt like a million years living with a woman who was always right and we always did what she wanted to do, I've decided to find a submissive woman (and where do I find those?). Sure, I'll treat her like a treasure, and I will ask her to be my partner when making decisions, but I will be the boss, which makes me feel giddy. But that's in the rare moments when I ponder having another relationship. The rest of the time, all I want to do is hide from the world either in my bed or in my recliner. And I want to not think about anything. I want to not feel anything. If I could wish myself out of existence, I would.
17) I've never thought of myself as a couple person. I've always just been me. Even after so many years married to a woman, I just wanted to have my own life. It's probably fair to say her smothering me — like squeezing a wet bar of soap — made me not want to be married anymore. I shot right out of there! I didn't want to be a part of her life. I didn't want to go to things and meet her people. I didn't care. I felt sorry for all the people who tried to have conversations with me. They must have thought I was retarded. Aww, he works in food service, and he doesn't know how to dress properly. Also, he's drinking A LOT of beer and sneering at people from the corner. I'll take my hors d'oeuvres elsewhere.
18) I think articles like this are hard to make sense of, especially after the MeToo and TimesUp movements steamrollered through America. Women have rape fantasies? What am I do to with that information? I also don't understand the Fifty Shades franchise. I mean, Dakota Johnson had to go to therapy after the last Fifty Shades movie. That is troubling. If it's traumatic for me to watch and for her to act in, who is enjoying it? Is this a strange overreaction to feminism? Do women secretly want to be dominated? There's fodder here for a lot of speculation. I think the whole thing is fascinating, though I'm not sure what to make of it. I mean, rape is about power. If a woman fantasizes about being raped, she wants a man to dominate her? Maybe understanding the demographics of those who have these fantasies or allegiance to Fifty Shades would be helpful. This furthers my thinking that women are the hardest thing in this world to understand. They're like the dark side of the moon. I know it's there, but I don't know anything about it.
19) I have allergies. So I sneeze a lot. I sneeze loudly like a grandpa who doesn't give a shit anymore. Sometimes I burp a lot too. I fart. I kvetch about how gross I am. And then I make light of these things, which is great because I share my space with a 4.5-year-old part of the time. It's wonderful we have the same sense of humor. I hope he grows out of it. Slim chances I'll grow out of it, though.
20) For a good period of my last relationship, I spent about half of my nights on the couch. I think it's part of my desire to be alone, and it's also about not wanting to wake the other person. See, I have a terrible time sleeping. I would prefer to be sleepless by myself instead of rousing the other person. And sometimes the comfort of a couch is exactly what I want. It's almost like being ensconced in a womb. Of all the things I gave up in my divorce, I think I miss the couch the most. If I ever have another relationship, I'll be sure to spend many nights on our couch. If I still can't sleep, I may go to a hotel.
21) I don't trust people. Especially women. They will say you are a "beautiful man" one minute and the next minute they're calling you a "skunk." I've come to believe they're all full of shit. Do they start out that way? Or do little girls go to some sort of How To BS & Manipulate Your Man School? My first clues start coming when I realize the truth is a moving target when talking to a woman. But when conversations seem to be more about me making her life easier instead of talking about us or even making my life easier, then I begin to realize I'm being scammed. There are some advantages to getting older and hopefully wiser, but even King Solomon was an old fool when it came to women. I bet he was a beautiful man too.
22) I have a temper. It's bad. But it takes me a looooooooong time to get there, typically. Still, that's probably not much fun to deal with.
23) I endure a high rate of failure. But that may be because I often try more things than other people instead of sitting on my hands. I mean, you can't fail unless you try. I just try a lot. But it gets me down. Sometimes I mope for days because I effed something up bad. The exhilaration of trying something new and getting it right is worth it, though, when that happens.
24) I just recently learned I can ask people for help. But this will always be something I have to force myself to do.
25) Perhaps international dating is such an allure because those girls typically come from cultures where men are traditionally the heads of household. A lot of the girls on the sites are disenfranchised with men in their countries because they are (pick one or more) lazy, domestic abusers, treat women like playthings, aren't serious, won't commit, alcoholics, have mistresses, etc. They see how foreign men treat their women and children and want that instead. I think a lot of the younger women from the bigger cities are more like American women, but many still express a desire to take a submissive role or to be partners, making decisions together. This is also why a lot of Slavic women favor a relationship with an age gap. They want the man to be mature and settled in life and sure of what he wants. The problem is, the words they use to describe their ideal man are decidedly not me. It becomes a game of wondering how long before she realizes I'm not what she wants.
My problem is I'm done with the very Western attitudes of women and how they treat their men and relationships in general. They wanted to be more like men and now do all the rotten things men have traditionally done. I don't want that. I want a nice girl, a girl-next-door-type (in other words, I don't need a model), who will remain faithful through thick and thin. I would rather have a partner than be the sole decision maker, but either one works for me. I just know what I don't want, and that's what I've had in the past. That automatically negates a lot of females. My attitude is not an accepted thing in Western society so I'm effectively taking myself out of the dating pool for American women. This is good because I've learned I don't want to fight with a woman. I want peace in my house. Considering the inherent problems of international dating (which I may touch on in a future post), the likeliest scenario is I will not be with a woman again.
26) I value my alone time too much. It's intrinsic to who I am. If being with a woman and children after a hard day's work is too taxing, I will seek out some time to be alone. Many women are threatened by this. I was told by my ex that "there are no locked doors" in our home, and even when I would make it very clear I needed time alone, she would not relent. There are times when togetherness is exactly what I want, and I will always take a woman's needs into consideration, but I also need to find alone time frequently enough it will bother most women. For this reason, I steer away from immature or clingy women or those who will use our relationship as their main identity.
27) After living by myself for quite some time now, I've realized I'm a slob. I didn't used to be! I don't know what happened. When my son stays the week with me, it's even worse because we're more about having fun and doing our thing than picking up the place. As a consequence, my apartment is trashed on a constant basis. It was frightening for a while. Then it was humorous. Now I don't even notice. I think this is how bachelorhood happens.
28) I'm obsessed with learning. I want to know everything about things I consider interesting. This is actually a turnoff to a lot of women, who apparently would rather not talk about anything interesting. Or maybe they just think I'm a dork, which is fine. And I'll think they are boring as hell for having an insular thought life.
29) I don't want a girl with tattoos. In my narrowing down process of talking to foreign women, I made this a deal-breaker. It's arbitrary, though. I just needed to cut down the numbers. See, a lot of (especially younger) foreign women have a lot of tats. I don't have anything against tattoos (in fact, women with tattoos are hot), so it seemed a somewhat unfair way to separate the maybes from the nos. But, after thinking about it, I think society still has the assumption that a person with tattoos is automatically of a lower class. And I want a classy girl, so tattoos are out, right? I don't agree with that line of thinking, but I also don't need yet another obstacle to assimilation when dealing with a foreign woman. She'll have an accent, will be from a (probably) poorer background, will be considerably younger than me, will have different cultural expectations. That all adds up to a lot of stress on a relationship. While I'm just thinking pragmatically, I also realize all of that doesn't sound very sexy or romantic. Such is life.
30) I'm glad I no longer own a home. A coworker recently bought a home (back in January, I think), and has had considerable headaches with it. My 12 years or so of homeownership wasn't much fun, and I'd like to not do it again, thank you very much. While he had to shop-vac water out of his basement, I had to fully waterproof my crawlspace to the tune of $16,000 in 2009. There were always little fans or heaters or faucets or appliances that had to be replaced or fixed or cursed into oblivion. There was grass to mow or water or fertilize. Trees to trim. I eventually cut down a row of privacy trees and installed a fence ($2,000) because I was tired of dealing with them. There are various laws that govern where you can put things or how you can build on or alter your property. Then you have neighbor dogs that prefer to shit on your luxurious grass instead of their own. Maybe it tickles their balls just right. Then there are the feral cats that wander onto your property to beg for food and eventually die (presumably) painful deaths of mysterious origins. And the endless shoveling of snow and laying down of ice-melter. The ridiculous heating bills. And then the cooling bills. So, for my poor coworker who recently bought a house, I decided I would give him my reliable old Honda self-propelled lawnmower. In all of his house troubles, he will know at least one thing was free. Well, you have to buy the gas, sucker.
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| My son has already outgrown my car. I'll probably have to buy him a monster truck. |
32) I want to live a rural lifestyle. I like to hunt animals in my big backyard. I want to take a stroll and not see another human. I want to take a piss against a tree and not worry about breaking the law. I'm going to bring home deer and rabbits and squirrels and birds and whatever else I can legally hunt. I mean, I have a whole range of rifles (and one shotgun), all the way from .300 Winchester Magnum to .22 LR and even a pellet gun, so I can take any animal in North America I can get a license for and a decent shot at. She doesn't have to cook it if she doesn't want to. I can do that. I won't ever ask her to field dress an animal. That's my job. And she doesn't even have to eat any of it, though I think it is kinda strange to dismiss pristine, free-range meat. A lot of women get nervous just talking about living out in the sticks. Imagine a young woman from a big city of hundreds of thousands or millions going to live in a different country in a flyover state. Now it's probably not hard to imagine her shitting her pants. How much does she trust this guy? How much will she freak out? We would find out.
33) I've been through more in 41 years than a lot of people go through in a lifetime, and I am extremely opinionated.
34) It's possible I forgot how to have a conversation with a person. I mostly deflect and don't produce much about myself. It's the give-and-take that bothers me. I can ask questions, though. Just don't expect me to talk about myself.
35) I find little things to bitch about and then repeat them until I fear someone might hurt me. For instance, I hate the fact that people travel at high rates of speed through alleyways in town. Alleys are for backdoor business only. The rest of the roads in town are for people who just want to drive from here to there and have no business in the alleys. Alleys are not shortcuts, you asshole. I saw a guy the other day almost get crushed by a semi-truck he was trying to pass (!!!) in the alley. First of all, if you see a truck in the alley, don't go down there. There isn't enough room for both of you. And, if for whatever reason you do decide to go down that alleyway (because I guess you're an idiot), when that truck decides to move, you fucking stop! I don't want to see someone die. Even if you are a douche.
36) I watch bad TV. Gross. Violent. Just plain stupid. Stuff on Netflix in French or German. I'm even entertained by my son's shows like Oscar's Oasis, which has no dialog whatsoever. Anyway, I'm pretty sure no one wants to sit there with me and watch it, and I don't care. Fuck off then. Find some dishes to wash or something.
37) I don't really work out. Within a couple of minutes, I get winded and spit a lot, and then I'm done. Come to think of it, my masturbation routine is pretty much the same. Yeah, I'm going to leave that there. The editor will think it's funny.
38) What I've realized about relationships is this: Almost always, one person benefits more than the other. One gives more than the other. One takes more than their share. They are never equal. It may be a myth that equality is possible, but some people aren't really trying. What is worse is constantly keeping tabs on who does what and who does more. That's exhausting. I think I would do that. You son of a bitch, why don't you pick up your own socks or scrub the musty corners of the bathrooms like I do? Instead, you're out with your friends again talking shit about me. I'll show you. I'll burn your popcorn tonight.
39) Many of my beliefs are incompatible with modern, American females' beliefs. Maybe less than 1 percent of them would go for a weirdo like me. I don't know if women from other countries would be more or less inclined to put up with my weirdness. A glance at my bookshelf is more than enough to send them running.
40) Few women in my dating demographic are divorced without children (where have you been hiding?), and many more are divorced with children. But, guess what, I don't care about your kids, lady. Maybe someday I will, but not now. You want me to be a daddy to your kids? That's weird and confusing for everyone. I can be a man in their lives, but I will never be their daddy. They need to know that. If anything, I'm just extra. Their dad will always be their dad, regardless of how shitty he is. And I will always be ... just a guy who is around. It's true I will love them as if they were my own, and nothing will be expected in return, but if I just try to be their dad, they will reject me, and I have had enough rejection. If I have a woman in my life, I will never force my son to accept that woman as his mother. He will accept her as the woman I love, and if he wants her to be more than that to him, then good. If not, it's okay. But he will never be allowed to disrespect her. The whole in-law thing muddies relationships. It's true, things can be simplified. This is my way of simplifying. Kids, you already have a dad. That person is not me. Yes, I will most likely grow to love you, though I don't expect you to return that love. A lot of women will wonder why I won't put myself out there emotionally like that, but I'm just not that guy anymore. I think it's more important to be practical. After all, there is no replacing someone's irreplaceable person.
41) And that leads me to the next truth. I don't like your ex. They suck. First of all, they're a reminder of the time you spent with someone else. Secondly, they treated you like shit, and that's why they are your ex. And they're always around. They're at your kids' things. They're always popping over. It's like they never left. Do I need to sit on the porch with my shotgun? Do we need a restraining order? How awkward can I make this? Actually, the question is, how awkward can he make this? Apparently, very awkward. What is he even doing? Is he trying to fuck with me? Fuck with you? Rattle us? Do I need to show you how to use my gun? Did you change your locks? What does he want? Is he always this way? Why won't he just go away? All very good questions, but there are no answers. Just the reality of this person who does not respect boundaries. All I know is, if I show up dead, the cops will know who to question first.
42) Let's not leave out your family. They will not like me. I know this because all of my girlfriends' families have hated me (with one girl's father even telling me I should be celibate). Maybe it's because I say what I think. Or maybe because I don't say enough. Maybe it's because I'm dumb. I don't know. All I know is, they've all hated me and yours will too. And I probably won't like them either. They suck. But my family sucks too. And they probably won't like you either. So I guess we're even.
43) After I move from here, I will most likely have a shitty job. What kind of self-respecting middle-aged girl wants to date a guy who works at Burger King? But it's really sexy the way you come home smelling like french fries, Joshua.
44) I'm defeated. After so many relationship letdowns added to an already challenging life, I have given up. Even my posture says, "Leave me alone to die." I have anxiety about every little thing for a reason. I'm usually right that it's going to suck.
45) Let's face it, middle-age dating is all about comfort, as in, does this person fit me in a comfortable way? There's no romance. There's really no falling in love. We've done that; it sucked. One woman stopped talking to me because she was a wine-drinker and I was not; in fact, I don't drink at all. She wanted to drink wine and be snarky and probably breathe winey breath all over each other while dry-humping on the couch. (Oh, but the couch!) I am content to drink water and be snarky. But what is important to someone is not negotiable. For many middle-age daters, it's about lowering expectations, and for others, it's about getting exactly what they want. And they should get what they want. I'll get out of the way.
46) I like skinny girls or, at least, I like girls who take care of themselves. Those two things are not necessarily mutually inclusive. But, I lived with a woman who seemed incapable of taking care of her health. The last time I mentioned it to her, I said her son would be very sad if his mom didn't get to see him become successful someday. But girls who take care of themselves seem to be rare where I live. That's one thing about Slavic girls; their culture seems to place a high value on exercise (which they call sport), eating right, and looking good, but not necessarily in that order. Still, my options for finding a lady who takes care of herself are limited. I live in the Midwest, after all.
47) I make stinky food. I like to make a batch of bone stock and let it go for a week or so. I'm also supposed to eat oily fish like sardines for my eyes. I make fermented food like a carrot and garlic relish I've been making lately. I've sworn off making broccoli or cauliflower anymore, though, so that's progress. Still, nobody likes stinky food. Except me. But I don't like kissing a girl with garlic breath. She can go fuck herself.
48) Inevitably, I will cry at odd times. It will seemingly come out of nowhere, and it may be triggered by something common. It's just the way I am. It is not cause for alarm. It's actually me being healthy and not repressing things.
49) There will be times when I just fuck the shit out of you. It will be hard. It will be fast. It will be intense. And you will get off as always. But when it's over (and maybe during), you may wonder where the hell that came from. I won't have an answer. Maybe it was the stockings or the knee-high boots you put on that morning. Or maybe it was your perfume that had been driving me nuts for days. Or the way your hair looked at that moment. Or a little twinkle in your eye that said, "Come get me," but was probably just nothing. In any case, it will happen. And it may confuse the hell out of you. Chances are you will not be able to walk immediately afterward. And I will probably crawl away and nap on the couch.
50) Finally, I am entirely too damaged to function normally in a relationship. From my childhood through youth until now, life has crushed me, shattered me, and flushed me down the toilet. For any woman to attempt to have a relationship with me full knowing how effed up I am, I will consider her a hero. And she will have my undying love as a result. I will treasure her. And I will know that, just as I have these seemingly insurmountable things, she will have the same and perhaps worse. But if anything is worth trying, it is love.
The aim of this writing exercise is to show we all have excuses for not trying to do what we want to do (such as falling in love again). They are powerful and formidable reasons why we should not (and, in this case, some are complete fabrications). I'm not ready yet. Maybe I'll never be ready, but I want to be. My Bible says love is as strong as death, which makes it stronger than all of these 50 things I listed. And that makes it worth trying. Well, that and I want a couch to crash on again someday.
Thank you for reading.
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