my careless contagion

The above is a screenshot of something I came across on Tumblr. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. It's thrilling that someone cares so much about a movie to put so much thought and talent into a felt pen drawing. And it's fucking scary. Why is it scary? It's obsessive. It's creepy. And it reminds me of my obsession with a certain woman. If I'm a little scared of the level of obsession in a drawing, then I'm sure anyone reading my blog is more than a little concerned about my mental health. And for the object of my affection's wellbeing. Sigh. I fully admit I've been obsessed, and most of my obsession has taken place here in this safe place. I have not stalked her (that I recall). I have not called or texted relentlessly. I got a little carried away with emails (which went increasingly unreturned). If she stopped replying (for the most part), I stopped. That's what most people do, right? That's normal?  In the mind of the obse...

Where do I start? I feel like I've always been a failure. When did I start believing that? As the youngest child, you do everything later and slower than everyone else. Then you have two parents (ideally) to compare yourself to. You never win the comparisons so you stop trying. I did well in school for the most part. I did okay in athletics. I wasn't ever popular, nor did I desire to be. Those kids were assholes. The older I got, the more the world I knew lurched away from me. I was lost.  I've never been good at any job I've ever done. I just kind of wing it. People have a propensity to hate me because I'm so bad at what I do and I really should feel bad about it, but I don't. I struggle and no one helps me and that's okay. My life is struggle and failure and an occasional success that scares the shit out of me. Like, where did that come from? The law of averages gives me an occasional home run.  When you've been a screw-up as long as you ca...

It's possible to relive your life in your head so many times you forget how things actually happened. It's possible to imagine so many scenarios that fix things you actually start to believe they would have made a difference. You know, we all have that fork-in-the-road moment we look back on. Do we really believe things would have turned out differently if we had gone the other route? Is life really just a choose-your-own-adventure book?  Right now, I'm imagining that I'm actually at that fork in the road, but I can take many different paths this time. I must choose wisely because the rest of my life depends on this moment.  My heart will always choose her. My body is old and tired, sometimes recalcitrant, and in many ways not what it used to be. Not even close. But, I imagine my body will follow my heart. My brain is on board, though it does not understand the unseen hand among us.  As much as my own journey was inevitable, do I believe that yours was a...

It's time to say goodbye to what I thought we had. I don't know if I was realistic in believing it was truly how I saw it, but it doesn't matter now. There's nothing left to do but say goodbye. I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I don't feel strong enough to hold myself up in a chair right now. It has to be done, and I'm never going to be okay some distant someday until I let it go completely. The pain is mostly over. Now it's just me holding on to sadness, and sadness does what sadness does. We've parted ways. We've walked our separate paths now. We've seen that neither of us had what the other needed. It's so hard to miss her sometimes. And, it's the only thing I can actually feel most days. If I say goodbye to this, then I will have nothing — just a big, black hole in my chest. Still, I know this is all I will ever have if I don't let go. Letting go means I can have something someday...