my careless contagion

Nine years it's been. It was today nine years ago you came into my life, small but all there, as the NICU doctor noted. You came early for yourself but late in my life. Someday you'll be stronger and bigger than me. I am grateful God gave me you and all the time we've had together, though it seems improbable that half of it is already gone. I pray you grow strong and brave and faithful to the Lord and go far but always stay in touch. I tried to teach you everything you'll need to know, but only God knows the life you'll live, so I always directed you to Him. He will always be there, even when I am gone. You are the best thing God brought into my life, an unexpected blessing and always loved appreciated. Thank you for being my son.  — Your dad.  Thank you for reading. And God bless. Christian blog:  a-better-hope.blogspot.com And my other blog, None Dare Call It Treason.

The night before kindergarten started, you fell asleep with your hand in mine, beneath your baby blanket that didn't cover your legs, and your head on your "Go," the stuffed helicopter you had since you were a toddler. It felt too much, too soon. Weren't you still my baby boy? It's clear we have you only for a time. You are borrowed. You belong to God, but this time with you is a gift He wants us to have.

"For a meaning of the name Isaiah, NOBSE Study Bible Name List reads  Yahweh Is Salvation , Jones' Dictionary of Old Testament Proper Names has  Salvation Of The Lord . A remarkable feature of the name Isaiah is that it consists of the same two elements as the name  Joshua ( יהושע ). The name Joshua is the Hebrew form of the Greek name Jesus, and most probably the name by which Jesus the  Nazarene  was known by His contemporaries." What's in a name? Plenty. When Saul was on the road to Damascus and Jesus turned him around, He also changed his name. To Paul. Why? Saul means "destroyer," and Paul means "builder," which is a fitting thing considering his missions before and after Jesus spoke to him. Before Jesus spoke to him, his mission was to destroy the fledgling church of Christ, and God changed his mission to build the church of Christ. How many times in the Bible did God tell someone to name their child such and such a name? Why wou...

I have a fear of drowning. Not me personally, though. I fear my son drowning.  Last weekend, my mother said she had a dream my son, Isaiah, went straight into their pool. A few weeks earlier, my oldest brother invited me and my son to spend some time with them on a lake. I declined because I said the water was too deep there, and I didn't feel comfortable having my son around water that deep. Soon after I said that, a friend of our family mentioned her son fell into a river while they were on vacation, and she had to jump in to save him. I felt justified.  This could be considered paranoia. If I didn't believe in the supernatural, I might agree.  I've had more than a dozen dreams of my son falling into water since he was born. Every time I would have those dreams, I would pray over him. When my little family moved to a property with moving water (three different water sources), the dreams remained the same.  I never kept Isaiah from playing near water, a...

Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind, but I tell myself I'm doing just fine. There are so many people hurting in this world; who am I to complain?  I used to blow through my day, drink beer, have sex, fall asleep, and do it again the next day. My line was always, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." I lived hard. I was brutal. I was mean. Who was harder than me? I was like a diamond phallus cutting holes in the sky, scraping big F-offs in the pristine, white clouds. I didn't just burn my candle at both ends, I broke the candle in half and lit both ends of the halves. My goal, it seemed, was to rampage through a short but chaotic life. I chose my chemicals, and then my chemicals chose me.   Something told me I had to change. I kept hearing that voice. My reply was always, "I'm doing just fine." When I blew out my knee, I made like it was nothing at all. When I stopped sleeping altogether, I started to worry. When I would l...