Mr. Brightside

*I loved this album by The Killers when it came out. The whole album -- their first -- reminded me of the music during the 80s, which was more interesting than so much that was on the radio in 2004. The keyboards were a dead giveaway that they were paying homage to some of the 80s sounds. I still like this song. Unfortunately, my mind goes to a dark place when I hear it. It's me trying to put a spin on a bad situation, a bad relationship, bad memories. Sitting here now, I realize that I waited much too long to extract myself from that relationship, that it did permanent, irreparable damage to my self-esteem which was already low. 

I shouldn't have understood this song as well as I did. I got the jealousy part, although I didn't recognize it as jealousy. I was in a relationship where I just couldn't have the girl in her totality; she always belonged to someone else as much or more than me. There were always men she was involved with (and sometimes girls). I was simply not enough for her, a fact that she realized too late to do anything about. She began seeing a therapist around the age of 30. Her therapist told her two main things: that she has "daddy issues" (duh) and also that she has demons (whoa). 

So, here I was living with someone who could not or would not give me all of herself. I know that may be asking too much of anyone, but what I mean by that is that I wanted her to be true to me. I didn't want to possess her; I didn't want her that way. I've never been a possessive person. That fact probably allowed me to stay in that relationship longer than a normal person would have. Really, I just wanted her to be happy, even if I couldn't make her happy. I once explained to her mom that her daughter was like sand in my hand. If I squeezed too hard, she'd slip through my fingers. I held her loosely. Perhaps too loosely. She didn't want to be had by me, not really. She always told me I wasn't her type, that she preferred her men to look different from the way I presented myself, that I was too clean-cut. She didn't find me attractive; she told me a much, but I think she thought other people would find me attractive and that's why I was desirable. 

At the same time she couldn't give me herself, she also asked the world of me. I tried to fill spaces in her that were never meant to be filled by a human being. I couldn't fix her, couldn't fix her childhood, couldn't fix us. What the hell was I doing?

I'm alone now, seemingly purposeless. I've left that destructive relationship. I've met another woman, and she's the most amazing woman I've ever known. I'm in love. I've tried to not be in love, but there's an undeniable tenderness that I feel toward her. After having been through a hellish relationship and ending it, maybe someday I can have something good. 

Call me Mr. Brightside.*

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

'Cause I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside
I never
I never
I never
I never