my careless contagion

If I ever see that girl again, and if we're ever alone, I will fall down on my knees, crumble like no man ever should and hold her ankles tight. I will break before her eyes, and she will see something she's never seen before. She will see the most broken man say the most pitiful things. He'll say he's so sorry, the sorriest he's ever been in his life. He'll say he can't go on any longer, the regret is tearing him apart. He'll say he'll do anything to help her get her life back, just say the word and he'll do it. Please, please, just let me do it.   I get it now. I see why you had to leave me. I see what it means for you to carry on, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to have what you had, and I know what that means for me. If there's an altar somewhere, I'll sacrifice myself to this cause. If there's a time machine, I'll buy it for us. If there's a way -- any way to undo what I've done -- I'll do ...

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

*"Can't Hardly Wait" by The Replacements. I love this song. It's grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't seem to bother me. It was included on the soundtrack of the 1998 movie of the same name starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If you've watched a fair number of movies set in high school, you're aware of certain tropes that exist. There's one that I call "That Girl." You know the girl, the one the (usually) shy guy wants to be with. She's amazing; she's out of his league. She's that girl, the one he's pined for forever. She's the one who can elevate his life in ways he can't even imagine. It could change the whole course of his life if he could just get that girl. Somehow, mustering up the courage or doing whatever is necessary to get that girl would change him from being a loser who nobody knows into somebody. My "That Girl" got away, and I let her get away. The year was 1996. It was one of the most...

I remember her and her smile it was so weak and she was so sick She was beautiful in dresses, jeans jacket, underwear or nothing at all And those eyes they lit up my world that perfect smile could captivate me forever I couldn't get enough she was all mine for just a moment but what a moment it was Wrapping my arms around her for the last time I hoped against all hope I would see her again I'd take reality over fantasy any day if she could just be mine I let her go but I'll remember her one last smile.

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.

All those miles of text between us all those songs I played that spoke for me All that time -- 21 years! and you finally put it together you finally figured it out what my love looks like I poured my heart out for you my lifeblood too my time, my talents my everything Only to be spurned only to be burned beaten, left behind well, not this time Our time has run out our morning has turned to night and our night to this What is it driving me this way? what was it that got in our way? I don't know but it isn't my love, dear.

Every morning is the routine every day the same old thing What has changed? you and me We're no longer "we" It's little things put away forever furniture moved around boxes on the ground books that once belonged to us linens, sheets, towels, music pictures, letters, notes They await the day of rending the day of breaking sorting, dividing the day of letting go Mornings at the window coffee in hand sliding into evening's sheets together reading before I turn off the light The big things, the small things all share the same fate they won't travel with us together this is a study in letting go You won't cry over things or fight you won't throw a tantrum you'll simply let go What was once us has been reduced to dust I sit in sackcloth and ashes my cheeks stained, my eyes red This rending is more than just things more than just memories more than just a change of address This is us letting go l...

All their faces become one all their lies and all their eyes bore into me I am frozen stalled rejected once again standing still and wondering Who keeps hitting "repeat" on this track who keeps stut-stut stuttering their lines over and over again I have one last shot one last chance to love but I am shuttered out of town out to lunch I want that one woman I can mesh with talk with, feel with shake off the dust of this town with and in the end, smile with But they all have agendas I hide my heart cover my mouth censor my thoughts and sleep with one eye open What I see is that girl waiting for me but the question is does she see me? Will she line up like the rest raise her weapon aim at my chest? Sadly, I believe I know the answer.

There's something about this something about me something about you that threatens to break me in two There's something on the wind getting closer filling me with excitement filling me with dread Is it you, my perfect coming to me at last is it your heart I hear crying out like mine This is an epic thing I am not a man of renown I am not a beast I am just flesh  I've run out of words run out of hope and other things  that look like it Here I sit alone again unable to move unable to breathe If God sees me if God hears me if anyone sees me if anyone hears me Please understand I am just a man broken now now less than a man There is nowhere to go nothing to do but sit and wait stirring inside My face shows my age my hands show my rage my heart shows my pain and humiliation But my feet cannot walk away. 

Driving nowhere — this could be the metaphor for you and me — rudderless, lost, parting ways You aren't talking but I can tell your face is staring out your window that tells me everything You're crying again and I'm driving we'll do this as we've always done and then never again We may as well be listening to Samiam's Clumsy, hungover, tired and waiting for our time to begin We waited so long we fought for this and this, well, this is not what we wanted We're strung out on insomnia regret depression and a very bitter winter These hills baited us these skies welcomed us these dark nights lit up with stars they cradled us The radio always plays the saddest songs and love songs that don't mean a thing right now Every song sounds like a dirge every note like pinpricks of melancholy Yet, we drive we sit silently we rehearse our lines ...

Your back is turned but I can see your face in the mirror Your eyes are closed but your whole world is open to me Pressing myself on you is like a dream come true The only thing that takes away my ache is crashing into you Girl, you're everything I need right now and I know I'm everything you want we're trading spit and trading paint When I first laid eyes on you I never knew we'd go down this way -- mean, like animals My hands are possessive my mind is full of adjectives my mouth whispers expletives and you make the best noises I want this to last forever but it's just as well this kind of forever would bleed me dry When your eyes open and I'm past spent we carry on like nothing happened we smile at ourselves in the mirror before we say goodbye.

There's something between us and it's my heart still beating lying on the floor It's out there, unattached it's untethered, untouched waiting still beating What I always wanted was the look in your eyes that love beaming out of them That's the look that's the feeling that's what I've been missing That's what my heart was waiting for There's this little voice telling me, "put it back, put back your heart" But it waits for you still beating still clinging to hope on the floor between us Where can I go? Nowhere What can I say? I've said it all I wait for you and my heart waits for you in this dark place growing dimmer When they put me together they forgot some things like all the parts that tell me I should walk away But I'm here today here tomorrow and my heartbeats I will follow.

This is all things bleeding this is all the end what can I say today to speak comfort into you? This is things broken and this is things spoken down to the wire and feelings on fire What I imagined for you is so much better than this what I always wanted was perfect and painless In the night and in the day I know you cry out I know you feel for something beyond this hollow place The pain won't last forever the night gives way to dawn the scars will remain but it won't feel the same You are held in His hand held close while you cry In the shadow of His wings in the blink of an eye One day this will be a memory and not a moment of death in this world of pain I will hold you close, forever to my chest We will breathe the same air I will get tangled in your hair share everything we can share and feel broken no more One day we'll get there you and me holding hands walking forward into a brand new day One day I...

I'm struggling to hold back tears on this winding trail in the shadow of the devil, the monolith that blocks out the sun Surrounded by strangers and even stranger feelings makes me wonder where you are and are you thinking about me too? My heart wants to run to you but it rages in my chest like a prisoner can I quiet my endless thoughts about you? can I put away my burning hands that just want to feel you? can I make tomorrow something better than today, make you speak the words I want you to say? There is hope in my head but fear in my heart will it feel this way forever? will you always riot in my brain wake me in the night stop me dead in my tracks when I long for you? Will I always bleed like this when no one is looking shove my guts back inside mop the bloody floor so no one knows how bad I'm hurting? How can I keep coming back to this precipice of pain? because I found you -- or someone like you -- here she isn't...

Well, it's you and me as uneasy as can be as petulant as children waiting for the storm to pass Just you and me with seemingly nothing to look forward to but the end of the world -- we can watch it on TV Groaning under these heavy skies you and I are paralyzed heavy in heart and coming undone -- are we having fun? You make faces and I make excuses and I can't seem to wait to stab your heart again can you tell me why are we doing this again? Why is the sun hiding from us why is God silent with us why is my heart refusing to make an appearance? Well, it's you and me darling dragging this corpse between us the storm has passed but I still can't look at you I'm sorry for my failures I'm a man, after all I'm sorry for leaving you alone with the remnants of me -- coffee stains, suicide notes notebooks full of pain that never missed a chance of assuring us we can never escape this pointless ending.