Someone You Loved (Lewis Capaldi)
Lewis Capaldi released this song in 2019. He is afflicted by Tourette Syndrome, when a person's body has uncontrollable tics. I remember a customer at a job I worked was very nice but then he'd devolve into tics, including flipping the bird repeatedly. And then he'd be kind again. Anyway, if you look up live performances of this song, you'll see Lewis struggle to sing, then the audience sings it for him. It's rather touching, but also sad because the poor man can't even sing his own song.
Sadness should be what you feel when you hear this. That's the odd thing for me. Given my past and inability to find love (even though it was probably right in front of me), I should be overcome with some sort of emotion. I'm not. I am completely unaffected by this song, its sentiment, lyrics, music, etc. It's a well-crafted song, though I feel nothing. Perhaps the fact that it says, "used to being someone you loved" instead of something like "someone I love" means it doesn't tick a box for me. It gives the feeling of being discarded, which I understand, but it's way sadder if it was someone you loved who discarded you as opposed to someone who simply loved you, with no comment on your own feelings. It feels a bit like he doesn't like being alone and unloved, and I get that, but also, who cares? Get a dog. Losing someone you love, however, is another story. That's devastating.
Yet, I feel nothing. That tells me either 1) I became an unfeeling psychopath or 2) I healed tremendously and have nothing in common with this song. I feel pretty good, in fact. Maybe tomorrow brings disaster. I mean, who knows? But I won't spiral downward into a flaming wreckage. I've been through 10,000 hells and persisted through unspeakable pain. A lot of it my fault. Pretty sure another one won't kill me.
I learned something through all of that and gift it to whomever reads here. Perhaps someone someday far off will benefit from it. Here's the great lesson: I am not special. Really, now, I'm not. Granted, God thinks I'm special. God greatly lavishes love and blessings upon me every day and wants me to live with Him for eternity. That's a big love! I feel special for that reason. But, in the grand scheme of things on this plot of ground, I am very un-special. Decidedly ordinary. No big deal. I make mistakes like everyone else. Some bigger and some smaller. Some longer than others. Seeing myself through the microscope of introspection (and having entirely too much time on my hands facilitates that) makes me seem much more important than I am. It's narcissistic to think of myself as being the one in charge of this ship called my life (and to punish myself for mistakes is ludicrous). Most of us can barely get through our day (or laundry day), much less chart our course through life. A lot of life is chance and divine intervention mingled with devilish attacks and a bit of idiocy of our own doing. Our role is minor. So, I'm not going to feel bad for screwing up my minor role. That gives me entirely too much credit. Just getting the cap back on the toothpaste in the morning is challenge. Leave me alone with the rest.
The mental health industry makes a fortune off minting new terms and situations to convince people to seek help, read books, and share their newfound insights into their inner workings. I call baloney. Malarkey. Too much introspection can make us seem a lot sicker than we are. I want someone to write a book called, "You Are No Big Deal" and set people straight. A lot of the mental health stuff is literally so common you cannot find anyone who doesn't fit the description. That's by design. I think it's dumb. Get over yourself. Thumbs to chest. Thank you. That was my soapbox moment for the day. Okay, I may have a few more.
Yeah, I do. When something bad happens to me — something previously seen as catastrophic — I can shrug it off because I'm not important. This isn't stoicism. This is reality. I could not help what happened to me, so what's the use in crying over it? How big do I think I am? I choose to see bad things as inconsequential because I am inconsequential, except for what God does in my life. That is the only big thing going down. That's the main attraction. Everything else is a side show. God gave me everything. Desire. Knowledge. Time and space, a place in history. Talent. My very breath. It's all Him. Very little has anything to do with me. So why am I so concerned about righting myself?
Someone once said, "The world doesn't care if you are sad." True, but God does. And, the more we focus on our feelings (usually negative and festering) and mental/emotional health, the more unhealthy we become. The more we focus on things external like what we can do for others and how we can help others, the healthier we become. If we choose to see something potentially harmful as benign or even helpful in some way, we just made a coup. Listen, I'm intelligent enough (sometimes) to know when things aren't going in my favor, but I choose to give things to God and let go of making my own determinations. If God says, "Rejoice in all things," I will. Because He is Lord of all, even the inconvenient or damaging things. Even the miseries of Job. I will fight the devil until the day I die, but I won't strive against God, and I know even the sufferings of sickness work a good in us. By the way, I'm feeling much better lately. I went from not being able to sleep because I couldn't breathe to snorting oxygen like a junkie. Feeling pretty awesome. My point about all this is we often give ourselves too much credit. We know about the kind of narcissism that says everything in my life is awesome and I'm the reason why, but we don't often talk about the kind of narcissism that says everything in my life is crap and I'm to blame. They are closely related, and both are bogus.
As this year closes, I hope you take a few moments to reflect on it and its many blessings. I hope you see your life as a journey and not a finished product. I hope you see the beauty amongst the things that don't make sense or frustrate you. I hope you have someone who holds you tight and squeezes the doubt and fear out of you. If not, spend your time with God, the One who loves you most. With Him, you are never someone who was loved. You are loved. Always and forever.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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