My dearest
I wrote the main section a while ago. Tacked some thoughts on the end recently.
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My dearest. For someone who is not in my life — and hasn't been — I think about her far too much and far too often. For a man used to running from women, how did I end up like this? How did one little girl suspend my aged logic? How did one girl manage to turn everything upside down?
She tamed me. I was wild. I was free. But she made me hers. 
What makes a man like this? What tears through his bravado so easily, rendering him naked? To stand in front of the woman you love with a naked heart is something rare. To not have to hide or even be able to hide how you feel is perfect. Those who cannot do that will never understand the incredible and complete vulnerability of love. The world has no answer for such a thing, nothing but a dull, hollow sound. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about something that transcends our physical bodies, bending time and space to bring two people together, and forever.
My dearest. The only one. My one and only. My girl. My perfect. She has many names. My heart beats each name every day — over and over — to the rhythm of the universe. The stars, the sun, and the moon echo the beating. It reverberates through everything around me. The moon beholds me. The sun warms me. The stars remind me of a benevolent Creator. But what keeps me going is inside, beating softly, and like a drum: my dearest.
***
And now some random thoughts tacked on at the end. It shouldn't detract from the above love letter. That sentiment still stands. Forgive me, but I need to process quite a bit, and quickly. Permit me a bit of whining and wondering.
About Cindy. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I misread everything, but if I was wrong about us, then it was good to believe a lie, for a while. Not many lies are so nice. It turns out I was wrong about more than I ever imagined. I am deeply and forever humbled. Everyone, please accept my apologies. I'm not even sure where to begin. I'm not even sure if the following thoughts are correct or if I'm just a fool again. Anyway, let us begin the foolishness and then be done with it.
Maybe we had a different definition of love. Or a different way of expressing it. Or a different way of feeling it. Who knows. I think she passed up more than she will ever know. (Well, maybe, because we don't see our faults as easily as others. Maybe she dodged a major bullet.) But she won't feel the lack of me, not as I feel the lack of her, and what could have been. In the end, we both lost something. Only time will tell how much we both lost. I think I will search for her in everyone I meet. By the way, I broached the topic of moving closer to where she lives, and she did not seem interested. (I'm so stupid. Even if she had time, and she is the busiest person I know, she lacks the inclination to see me anyway.) No surprise there, but no one can say I didn't try. Onto plan B. Or is it C? Or D? Who am I kidding? I don't have a plan. I'm lost.
I personally think God didn't want her to be married to that man because of the times that are upon us. I think it was a way of protecting her and the children. I'm not saying she should be with me or anyone, just that I thought God didn't want her with that man for some reason. The times are dark. Those in authority over us are a critical piece of our lives. Things will go much better for a family if a man is led by God. Furthermore, if a woman wanted to reconcile with me and gave the reasons Cindy gave for wanting to reconcile with her ex, I would flat out turn her down. It would be insulting to reconcile for those reasons. Either she is hiding some of the reasons or ... she missed the point. I have a hard time believing the latter. But, it doesn't matter. She gave me the answer I waited nearly 4 years to hear and closed the door on us again, and what felt like forever. I yell at my heart on a daily basis, "She's gone. She isn't coming back!" But it continues down the same stupid path, trying that door again, hoping this time it will open. It never does, and my heart never learns. My heart was set on one woman. She told me no for the hundredth time. NOW WHAT DO I DO? It is clear she will not change, so if change is going to happen, it will come from somewhere else. The things I realized on my trip to Nebraska were helpful, though sad. I can't reveal all of those things, but I will say Cindy is programmed to reject me (and anyone like me). Always was. She was programmed to be with a different kind of man, not the kind I am. Women like her aren't allowed to be with men like me. It's like a law of nature or societal constraint which cannot be overridden. I originally thought that by some personal defect I wasn't able to attain being with her, but now I see it is just the way things are. And, as much as I hate to admit, her ex was a much better man than me in many ways (or, perhaps, all ways). She will never talk about me as glowingly as she does him, nor will she ever love me the same way. (My goal is to find a woman who will love me the same way she loves him.) I'm sorry I never got to meet the man she loves so dearly. Also, she sees love, marriage, God, and even life itself very differently from how I see it. Not saying it is wrong, just very different.
Knowing all of that, it would be wrong of me to continue to pursue her. My conscience won't permit me to pursue her anymore, but it also won't permit me to pray she go back to her ex. Such is the conundrum. Sometimes the good guys don't win. Or perhaps those we think are the good guys aren't really good guys? Maybe some reading here thought she was a fool for passing on me (I wouldn't say that). But you don't know her (or the strength of that woman), so don't judge. She probably made the best decision of her life. So leave her alone. I wish her the best, as always. She is and always will be one of my favorite people. And I'm sure I will never stop loving her. I should have left her alone long before I did because now I feel she dislikes me a great deal. I should have left her alone when there was still some fondness left for me.
Still, I cannot, with a good conscience, continue to pray God will put her back with her ex. It doesn't sit well in my spirit. I prayed that for years and never felt right about it. So I only ask God will not allow her to be with anyone He can't bless her being with or an ungodly or wicked man, or abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, or in any other way) or a man who will manipulate, control, lie to, cheat on her; limit her spiritual growth or progress or freedom; or would otherwise not treat her as a child of God. Did I get everything? I don't think I ever prayed specifically she would be with me, but if I did, I stopped a long time ago. I prayed God would change her ex if that was the plan, but I can't pray that anymore. Something isn't right about praying that. I can't figure it out. What I do know is Cindy has a specific kind of psychology that makes her susceptible to someone taking advantage of or mistreating her. So, I will continue (as long as I feel in my spirit) to pray God blocks her from being with someone who would do those things. Unfortunately, my simple prayers are about the extent to which I can affect her life or protect her. I don't care what she does at this point. She's a mature Christian woman. But there are some things I simply cannot pray for.
My heart is like a big ocean liner; once it gets going in a direction, it is hard to stop or turn. I need to move quickly in some direction, but how? Already, my plans are on hold because of severe physical ailments. I have to deal with things I have no idea how to deal with. Without the love and attention of a woman in my life, I literally crumbled. I thought all I had to do was wait and Cindy would be in my life. Here I am, nearing four years since she broke things off with me, and the only change is I am sicker than before. When I sat with her in a hotel room nearly four years ago when she broke things off with me, I didn't think it was really the end. Such is my psychology, which is another issue.
I need to go far and away from this place where all the reminders of what was essentially two massive breakups (as well as an abusive childhood) conspire against me. But, I can't until I feel well again physically. But how will I heal if I stay here? I've only dissolved in my time here. See the trap I'm in? And no wonder the devil offers his solution on a daily basis. I trust God, but I don't see His plan. Since all of my plans are destroyed now, what do I do? Where is God? Haven't I sought Him many times a day, and for years? I fasted and prayed. I begged for answers — any answers — and yet nothing happened. Has God forsaken me? Does He hear me at all? I have hard choices to make and yet don't feel well enough or connected to God enough to make them. What happened to me? The only thing clear is Cindy does not want me. The door is closed. This is not what I want! I did what I thought I was supposed to do and still ended up with nothing! AHHHHHH! What a travesty. What a waste. I have no clue where to go. I'm in an ugly place with no clear direction out. If I don't have God leading me, I don't have anything. If I can't hear His voice, where does that leave me? It proves the plans God has for us are not always the plans we have for ourselves, but I already knew that. I have a little fleece out there (my last hope), but if God doesn't answer, then I guess I'm on my own. Then it will likely look like my own personal FailArmy clip, which won't be pretty. So, if anyone is still reading here, say a prayer for this poor soul. Much appreciated. And, perhaps, "someday my life will be a chocolate shake and late-night TV."
***
Sorry to dump all that. But I feel a bit lighter now. After all that was said and done and much thought on all of this, I allowed myself to be at peace with everything, especially what I don't understand. It doesn't matter anymore. For me, the war is over.
I want to thank everyone who read here over the last 3-plus years. Perhaps, I should have titled this blog "One Man's Pathetic Misadventures in Life & Love." Though this wasn't the ending we wanted or imagined, it is still an ending we must accept. God bless.
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