A vision for the future

In the book of Proverbs, there is a verse that says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he." I believe this is a spiritual perishing, but what is true in the spiritual is often true in the physical, as well; otherwise, Jesus wouldn't have used physical truths to reveal spiritual truths. The two realities often reveal one another. I think of the physical realm as the tip of an iceberg. The spiritual realm is the unseen part. It looms much larger than we realize. But we get a sense of it through the physical realm. 

While I've been engaged in a pretty intensive retrospective — a retrospective I am not done with, by the way — I have also been thinking quite a bit about my future. Do I have a vision for the future? Am I doomed to perish? Is it too soon? Does it matter? I mean, it feels like my life is over anyway.

Given the sheer embarrassment my life has turned into, it's only natural I've retreated to a safe distance. While I would normally be thrilled by the idea of another chance to start over, for some reason, I'm just not. I'm feeling, quite frankly, done. Over. Kaput. There is something in me that feels so incredibly old, tired, and broken. My mind reels at the very mention of starting something new. My heart ... well, I think he took his happy ass and jumped off a cliff. He didn't lead me anywhere but down the rabbit hole anyway. If he ever comes back, I may have to lock the door. 

It's not healthy for me to wallow in my bed, blanket over my eyes, shunning every new day. I need a reason to get out of bed. The future doesn't just happen. It needs someone to put it in motion. If I don't make decisions to bring it about, it will still come. It just won't look any different from today. And I need something different.

Every day I wake up, it feels like I should be excited. But I'm just not. It feels like I have so many doors open to me now, so many adventures waiting. What's wrong with me? Why has my depression overridden everything? I mean, I can literally go anywhere and do anything I want. Where will I live? What will I do for work? What kinds of crazy hobbies could I squeeze off in my spare time? I could make a name for myself. Or I could be a nobody. I could rob banks and bug out to an abandoned cabin in the woods. I could let my hair grow long and become a wild man, reprising my role as a drunk poet like Bukowski. Or I could seek a Spartan-like fitness, eschewing anything and everything — including sex — which could make me weak. Most likely I will seek the bottom of whatever I do and wherever I go, as I feel infinitely defeated and nothing else will feel right. At the end of the day, I simply don't deserve anything better than nothing.

What about a girl? Don't I want to snuggle up to a soft body at night? These questions probably deserve their own post, but suffice to say I'm not in a position to ponder these questions. As soon as my mind goes down that corridor, I find my blood pressure starts to rise and my head starts spinning. I have to start believing in a love that doesn't hurt if that's ever to become a reality. I'd have to thoughtfully proceed, my head leading the way. Love won't be a part of the equation. I won't allow myself to love again, but I can sure fake it. Most women can't tell the difference; that's clear by how many end up in shitty relationships and domestic abuse. 

What's clear to me is I can't choose the same thing I've had in the past. It has to be a clear break from everything I've known. She'll probably have to be a redhead, too, as I've never had one of those. There's only one girl I love, and if I can't have her, then a future relationship will simply be a mutually-beneficial arrangement, nothing more. It might be a tough workaround to a difficult problem, but it's the only one I can conceive of if there should ever be another woman. My preference is clear, but since that's out of the question,  my next preference is nothing. If that's not doable — and I think it is — then a simple living arrangement based on fulfilling each other's needs without love is the final answer. How romantic. I'm sure she'll feel so special.

Relationships are just trade-offs, agreed-upon workloads. You do this and I do that. It's a bunch of unwritten agreements. My marriage broke because I broke the agreement. We agreed that infidelity was okay as long as we came back home to each other. I decided after many years that there was no trust left in our relationship, and that's why I left it. I wanted trust. But trust isn't possible anymore. With anyone. I find myself distrusting everything and everyone, including myself. My marriage broke because of me. I can't trust. The only way I can be in a relationship right now is if it doesn't need trust. I guess I have to figure out what that kind of relationship looks like. Chances are, it does not exist. I mean, even driving down the highway requires trust. You trust other drivers are going to stay on their side of the road. Even a drug deal needs trust. What kind of relationship doesn't require trust?

This was a long, drawn-out exercise that reinforces what everyone reading this blog already knows. I'm fucked. 

Until next time, thanks for reading.