my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

Why is it so many of the hardcore songs I listened to in my youth have come true? From Guilty of being white by Minor Threat to Los Angeles is burning by Bad Religion, it's safe to say hardcore music is prophetic. So many spoke for so long about the direction we were headed. And now we're here. Rollins. Social Distortion. Face to Face. Samiam. Fugazi. The Descendents. If they had anything at all to say about society, it is seen as prophetic now. I could spend years just writing about this. We slid farther down the rabbit hole than I ever imagined. But I'm digressing already. The hardcore anthem Small man, big mouth by Minor Threat talks about a specific type of man. You know the type. He's small but he walks with his chest out, shooting his mouth off at every chance. He wears shirts that say things like, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog." He's abrasive and looking for a fight. He has something to ...

The Vaccines released this album — What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? — in 2011. I quickly fell in love with it back then, then lost it somehow, and now own it again. I'm so glad because I fucking love this album . It brought a lot of things back to me in a way that only music can.  I was surely listening to this album a lot when I decided to leave my ex-wife initially. I had a ton of time alone (though not really free time). Always have. That's how I live. I live alone. I'm not entirely sure how other people exist without alone time. Oh, that's right. Real people have real lives, and real lives have other people in them. And, hopefully, enjoyable people. I keep forgetting that. I've posted the whole album here, though I feel the best way to listen to it is on a proper format like CD (preferably on vinyl, though). As with anything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, let me say, this album is beautiful to me. I'm sure all y'all are scared ...

**Spoiler alert. Do I need a spoiler alert for a film that's 25 years old? Sure, why not?** The Crow was released 25 years ago — 1994 — and quickly became a cult classic. The circumstances surrounding the filming and release of the film were fodder for theories that ranged from the mundane to the supernatural. The film franchise is clearly cursed, most notably accounting for Brandon Lee's accidental death. Yes, Lee died during filming. I'll steer away from the controversy involving the film and subsequent The Crow films as well. I want to talk about the theme of this movie — revenge.  I recently watched The Crow on Netflix and realized it had reached a milestone. It was now 25 years old. A quarter century! It feels like I watched this movie for the first time just yesterday. It's easy to see why it became a cult classic, revered for years by many a goth and emo kid. Originally a black-and-white comic, the theme of revenge is universal. Almost anyone can relate...

Jimmy Eat World's The Middle was released in 2001 on the album Bleed American. The lyrics to this song were important to me, as they spoke of peer pressure and the need to conform. I was at a point in my life when I really started missing my education. I was wondering if I'd ever get a chance to go back to school. I saw everyone moving on with their lives, getting real jobs, and I was just a hardcore kid paying the rent. So, too, Jimmy Eat World's A Praise Chorus spoke to me. I remember listening to this song when I was 24, 25, 26. So, when the song says, "Even at 25, ya gotta start sometime," I agreed. I felt like my time was coming, but I also felt it was too late to go back to school at the age of 25. And 26, well, that was really old. Here I am, 41 and taking classes. Clearly, it's never too late. These songs are important to me still because they reveal a lesson I started learning a long time ago. It doesn't help to compare yourself to...

    Driving somewhere driving nowhere driven to distraction driven just to drive My constant companion my radio sings the sweetest songs and other ones too The songs help me remember and help me forget Just when I think I've forgotten she cuts through me – with a gasp – she's got me again Riding through my thoughts without a thought she cuts through my skin like it's paper I could argue that she never leaves me she's always in my head but there are moments when she has her way with me If I could make her mine I would If there was any way I would do it I had to let her go but she won't let go of me in the night and all day long It's like she's embedded in every single thought and when I drive she's in every single song.