my careless contagion

Change is inevitable. It's what I need at this moment, even though I've been through piles of it in the last few years. In the last five years, I've changed jobs, moved four times, had a child, gotten a divorce, and am staring at my hands wondering if they're even capable of whatever the next step entails. Change can come from two sources — from someone outside of yourself or from the inside (you). I've realized that the change I need probably won't come from either source, which leaves me with a few possible scenarios. One of the easiest things I can do is to continue on and consider this as good as it gets. I would have to accept everything about myself that needs to change and leave it at that. The next solution would be difficult for me because of my love affair with the truth. I would have to change my state of mind and consider myself free of defects. I wouldn't need change if I was flawless, after all. The last solution is that ...

I woke with a start. I knew I couldn't go back to sleep. It was 5 a.m., and my heart was pounding because the dreams were so real, because I was at my own funeral, and wasn't it ironic, man? There I was, walking, trying not to get hit by cars when I crossed the road, amazed by all the people who I knew and didn't know who wanted to see me put in the ground. The truth is, I feel like that most days. Like I died so long ago, left myself in the dirt somewhere. Where? My boyhood home? That night I didn't kiss the girl? The night I kissed the wrong girl? The night she cried in her underwear on the dining room floor and it was so cold? Maybe when I left her behind in that place, when I drove those lonely miles to start a new life? When she told me with the devil in her eyes that she would kill me if I left her? Every day is another step closer to that day they put me in the ground. Why is it so important that people are there to see it when I'm not even there...

If there's one thing I know right now, as I stare out the window, is that she does not belong to me. She never has and never will. She will always be his. What great arrogance it was that brought me to my knees in this empty, sacred place where we realize things that we should have seen long ago. Too little, too late to do a thing about it. I can't put back anything that's out of place anywhere but my own life. But,  I struggle just to get out of bed most days. The years showed me things, some of them unkind. They showed me I had been left behind. They showed me that no matter how hard I tried to keep up, it was impossible. I had been marked as one of the Left Behinds. It's okay. I'm well aware of this fact, and I've accepted it. The world went on, and I grew tired and cold. My life was increasingly meaningless. She reminded me of so many things, so many wonderful things that could have been but were not. And never could be. She reminded me o...

I just finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a book I've been meaning to read for years. Why now? I guess because I have time, as I live alone.  There should be a trigger warning on this book; that's the first thing I think. I was triggered by the ending. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Just like the language the character uses, it was covered up but out in the open the whole time. Sometimes what someone doesn't say says more than what they do say.  Anyone who is a victim of childhood abuse will recognize themselves in the character Charlie. The whole book is Charlie writing letters to an anonymous "friend" who he does not even know. That's the entire book; that tells the whole story. His language is permeated with childhood trauma. Again, it's not always what he says; it's what he doesn't say.  So, what are the perks of being a wallflower? As far as I can see, the book only mentions one perk, and that...

She's too good to be true I've said it most of my life and when she walked away from me I really knew it was true Starting from the top she has brains and she uses them she loves God more than anything else She's the kindest creature I've ever known brightening the lives of those she touches entering their hearts and minds as she has entered mine She wants to do what's right even if it means taking on a fight is willing to work through hard stuff for those she loves She loves harder than anyone I've ever seen won't give up, won't give in for anything she's tender, but she's strong stronger than anything I know The rest is too easy but she leaves me hurting just by being just by looking my way or looking away Her eyes are like perfectly-cut diamonds her face is lovely her smile brighter than the sun She may be the sexiest woman I've known her body is lithe, sleek, t...

It's a brand-new world you've been born into a world of wonder a world of pain and uncertainty But this is what you wanted this is what you needed maybe it's not too late, you said to start over Before she left town that girl said she couldn't do it couldn't make it You said you could make up the difference spread your legs I'll do the rest But she was waging a different war and she needed to get back home she could see you crying in her rearview mirror Little did she know she took a part of you that day the most important part still beating in the passenger seat You'll never see her again because she saw that thing in you that thing that you know no one should ever see Most days I pray just to make it back to my bed so I can hold her in my dreams so I can kiss her on the mouth on her neck, down her back so I can smell her hair and taste her skin run my hands down her t...