my careless contagion

It's time to embrace what I am.  If loss makes one a loser, then I am a loser. I've lost more in the last five years than I can even count. If it wasn't one thing, then it was another. Then, it was everything.  I walk around each day in a state of disbelief. I can't wait for this to finally seem real because then the real shitstorm will begin.  If trying and failing makes you a failure, then I'm a failure. I sit in a pile of it, surrounded by it, on top of it, breathing it in.  This is my legacy. There hasn't been a single thing in my life I've accomplished. Oh, wait, I'm pretty good at getting out of bed and feeling sorry for myself. Does that count? Okay, I'm not good at getting out of bed; you got me on that one.  It's starting to look like I don't even want to succeed. I want to be a failure. I want to crash and burn and scar the earth with my miserable failure of a life. Do I want to torpedo everyone around me?...

    It's an odd sensation to walk through your days in a daydream state. I know my mind is just protecting itself from further trauma. If only my heart could do the same. I see that girl as a dream because she's long gone. The time I spent with her doesn't seem real anymore. My world is a drudgery that marches to the sound of a dirge. I can hear Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" slow to the pace of a waltz, then distort, then turn to static, and now I just hear the rain. It's somebody's wedding right now, and that song is playing. My heart goes out to them. What happens when all you have is love for the memory of someone but the memory keeps fading? Well, you panic. Then you have to accept it because none of us can bring anyone back once they start to fade. Somone's in the darkroom of my mind, and they didn't mix the developer right; everything's coming out light and faded. I keep telling them to get it right, but they keep...