my careless contagion

It appears I have a heart problem.  The above two screenshots kinda show my thought process this Sunday morning as I sat in my recliner and used my smartphone, which has a program called Samsung Health, and diagnosed myself with bradycardia symptoms. All I did was check my resting heart rate, which is slower than it should be. The lowest reading was 52 and the highest was 58, and that came after descending stairs and ascending with laundry, which should count as mild exertion. The lowest my heart rate should be is 60. There are cases when a healthy person may have a heart rate lower than 60 beats per minute, but those are usually extremely fit athletes who exhibit no symptoms of bradycardia. Unfortunately, I have all of the symptoms listed above and more. I know it's not wise to self-diagnose, especially after consulting the internet (!!), but why do we have this technology if we can't use it? After I ate more food and after my morning dose of caffeine apparently kic...

The first time she broke my heart was December 1996. I didn't know it at the time, but she chose the man who ended up being her husband, a man she would have in her life for 22 years and is still tied to in her heart and by their two children.  Though it was many years ago, I remember the last conversation we had on the phone. When I hung up, I knew that would be the last time I talked to her (and it almost was, as 20 years went by). I remember she got angry at me for something. I thought it was because I brought something up she didn't want to talk about. Something difficult. She stopped talking to me for eight months. She did send me a letter, however, when she learned I was moving with my parents to another state. I threw it in the trash and never responded. I was still dreadfully hurt by her. And I was angry.  The second time was much worse. After enjoying each other immensely for a few months, shortly after the first time we had a weekend together, I could feel it....

It's a peculiar death, the death of a romantic. It may look like any other emotional disturbance to the average onlooker, but those who have been there know it's not your average broken heart.  There are tomes full of advice for those who dare fall in love. Throw those away, for you are a rare soul. You are a romantic. You believe against all odds. You hope against hope. You sometimes despair of life because your heart hurts so much, because it just can't reach who it wants to reach, because it lost the one person who was worth more than the world to them. The death of a romantic is heartbreaking to watch. It's like watching the first broken heart the world has ever seen. It's spectacular. And brutal. And it makes you want to scream at them to just buck up, let go, face the facts, walk away, get mad, break something, do anything but endure what they're enduring.  But they just break. They melt. Their life oozes out of them. It's like watching a pri...

Guard your heart. Out of it flows the issues of life, we're told. Your heart is described as the center of your being. It's your core, your essence. With all of it, we are supposed to love the Lord our God.  My heart had drifted from my ex-wife many years ago. It's safe to say I loved her, but she did everything she could to defeat that love. To protect myself and my heart, I started to float free. Eventually, I imagined life without her. Those imaginings turned into pleadings and a desperate need to leave, which I eventually did. When I met a certain woman, it was, as we called it, "a slippery slope." We fell headlong into each other, and it was ridiculously good. Until it wasn't. We were both married, me deeply unhappily so. I cannot say how she felt about her husband at the time, but I do know she loved him much more than I loved my wife, and much more than any man could ever expect to be loved.  Our relationship ended before we ended our m...

*If there's a band that sums up the way I feel about my 20+ year relationship that ended this year, that band is The Handsome Family. I don't know that I've ever heard a collection of songs that can trigger so much unhappiness in me.  You could describe this band as alternative country, gothic country, or a number of other sub-genres. I remember the night I found this band. I was perusing music on the internet because we'd had a fight and she went to her mom's house for the night. It was like my heart went and found the soundtrack for how I was feeling.  I could have picked a hundred different songs for this post, but this one was one of her favorites. I can't even describe how I feel about this failed relationship. It is one of the most disappointing things I've ever tried and failed at, endured, pumped life into, whatever you want to say. The Handsome Family is a husband and wife core (Brett and Rennie Sparks) with other musicians coming...

That Saturday morning when the hammer came down I begged her not to do it I said she shouldn't see me if she had those things to say I held her hand and prayed but I could feel she was a thousand miles away When she told me  what was in her heart I could not blame her neither could I look her in the eyes The tears fell on my hands my useless, stupid hands I knew it was coming but I was paralyzed I watched her as she dressed and she became even prettier right before my eyes I can see her there in the bathroom mirror in that beautiful dress We decided we couldn't see each other anymore as we parted the hot, humid air as we sat near each other but so far apart She had to go though it seemed early I knew she was already so far away As I held her one last time her body convulsed as it was her turn to cry and then her turn to leave I can't forget her beautiful smile her perfect face ...

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

*This song is clearly about the end of a relationship and the effects of that on the children. This is very much where my mind goes at this moment. My son is trying hard to not let any of this affect him, what's happening in his world. I knew there would be a price to pay for leaving my wife, but I never wanted my son to pay that price. He's trying so hard to be strong. I know his world is in turmoil. Even though I feel like he's been taken care of in amazing ways, I still can't help but feel shattered by what he's going through. When he goes to bed, I'm not there to say goodnight. When he cries out for me in the night, I am not there. When he wakes in the morning, I'm nowhere to be found.  When he's sick, what comfort am I?  My son, what have I done to you?* Precious and fragile things Need special handling My God what have we done to You? We always try to share The tenderest of care Now look what we have put You through Things get damage...

Walking from empty room to empty room I feel the full weight of what I've wrought bearing down on me Walking that lonely trail brought tears to my eyes there's a last time for everything and a last time for us Remember when we walked together our son on my back down these same paths? he ate his first wild raspberries here and shared them with us This place saw us come and bid us farewell it remains but we have changed for "we" are no more My heart is broken my eyes have endless tears for the measure of our lives together here This house held us together for these three years.

It's been a long road I thought I knew things but I don't know a thing Older and wiser, sure but not wise enough I never saw this great disaster looming What made me think this time would be any different what made me think I could shed my skin I've written thousands of lines to some strange god listening somewhere but immobile, mute I should burn these pages let them rise like incense on the breeze let them rouse the slumbering god let them burn in its nose, speak in its ear Words are weak, I know words are nothing, really just sounds we lend meaning to just another weary wind blowing to and fro These lines are impregnated with pain heavy with guilt, with blame, with shame with the fullness of knowing that I have lost all How many times does a man have to pick up the pieces put his pants on, wash his face every morning like what happened didn't really happen How many times do I h...

I remember her and her smile it was so weak and she was so sick She was beautiful in dresses, jeans jacket, underwear or nothing at all And those eyes they lit up my world that perfect smile could captivate me forever I couldn't get enough she was all mine for just a moment but what a moment it was Wrapping my arms around her for the last time I hoped against all hope I would see her again I'd take reality over fantasy any day if she could just be mine I let her go but I'll remember her one last smile.

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.