Mud Hill

Mud Hill is a breakup song by the band Samiam. I think we've all been there before. If we haven't, then we haven't lived. Right now I'm assessing my life and taking stock of my 41 years' worth of experiences. What strikes me is how many times I've broken up with girls when we weren't even dating. What's more surprising is how many times it messed me up. Maybe it was the fact that we weren't even dating that made it worse. 

Samiam is a band better listened to than watched. Maybe this is why they never made it big, or perhaps because they didn't take themselves seriously enough. The band is (mostly) defunct, or at least off and on defunct. And who cares about Samiam when Ariana Grande just released another shitty track? She wouldn't know poetry if it bit her in the ass, but then again, neither would her fans. I digress. 

There really isn't a point to this post besides the fact that I'm going over my list of failed relationships like a scene right out of High Fidelity. Remember when girls used to break up with you in person? The worst was when they did it over the phone. I always felt I deserved to have it done face to face. But when you're thinking you're dating and she's not thinking that at all, then I guess it doesn't matter. You're just another sack of garbage that needs to be taken out to the curb.  

A theme I've uncovered is the kind of girl I fall for. The last girl I fell for, she was different. She is, of course, not in my life. She was different because she was good for me. There is something life-affirming about her. I want to wake up next to her every morning instead of dying in my sleep. She makes me want to experience the world by her side, to see things through her eyes, and hear her voice when I open the door at night. 

The other girls were not good for me. This is what I would call "my type." I chose girls who were broken, mean, hateful, controlling, vengeful, and full of spite. I liked girls with "spirit," who will just as well fight you as fuck you. Girls who leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Girls who you don't so much love as survive. They take and I give. There are combustible combinations in relationships, and I've found myself in many of those. It's only taken me this many years to figure this out. My name is Joshua, and I have an addiction. I'm addicted to bad girls — those girls at the rock shows with tattoos, piercings, a wife-beater with bra straps hanging out, leather pants and an unnatural hair color. Okay, that's hyperbole, but you get the point. 

A bit of a confession is I tried to date two Christian girls before I settled on a "bad girl," the girl I eventually married. I wanted a good girl, but good girls didn't want me. As it turns out, bad girls didn't either. Cue more breakup songs. 

To stretch this metaphor further, I'm enduring a breakup with myself — my old self. I'm a few years in on it. I could explain again what my life used to look like, but let's say I'm better off these days. A lot of the time I'm actually happy. I don't fantasize about dying as much. 

Before I moved out here, a co-worker (in another department) named Joyce, when she heard I was moving, told me she saw me in a cabin in the woods. I thought of her often as I lived that dream, shoveling snow off my roof, bucking up wood, splitting wood, stacking wood, burning wood, staring out my windows at the snow, and whatever else I did in our "cabin in the woods." I was thankful for the change of pace and scenery. 

I'm thankful I took that great leap to move on with my life. I'm glad God got me to the point where I could accept the next step. I never would have done it for myself, but I did it because I had a baby on the way and wanted to be in his life. I repeat: I never would have done it for myself. The events that occurred after moving were a separate but necessary step. The pain I endured in my marriage was coming to an end. I was imaging my life without her on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I was ready to move on from that as well. The pain I endured through my separation and divorce tore open old wounds that never healed; they only seeped their fetid grossness all over my life. But, here's the kicker: I had to be wounded in that way again. I had to have that flimsy scab torn off one more time in order for the healing to begin. I had to be wounded one more time, and deeply. It had to happen in order for me to heal. 

It's rare that I thank God for the wounds I receive, but this is one for which I am forever grateful. Without that final wound, I wouldn't be where I am now. I've never experienced such deep healing as I have over the last couple years. It's antithetic that I had to be hurt before healing could take place, but that's how it worked. It did me more good than I could have ever imagined.

So. Mud Hill. All those sad songs. All those breakups that lingered for years. All of it is melting like a spring snow shower. To all of those girls, I'm sorry; I hope you forgive me. I certainly forgive you. To the last girl, I thank you most of all. I never could have found my way here without you. 

Lyrics: 

Car windows icing over 
speaking steam with your breath 
through the floating strands of your hair 
am I just like the rest?


You say you don't want anyone or anything 
you say this hurts you too
I wouldn't bother but this means everything to me 
so spare me now 


Rehearse the words you say
repeat them again as you see my driveway 
while searching for something more
beyond this lonely hill

I pretend to hear you 
act as if I understand 
I try to convince you I don't hate you 
but it's hard to do 

You say you don't want anyone or anything 
you say this hurts you too
yeah you too
I wouldn't bother but this means everything to me
so spare me now 

Rehearse the words you say
repeat them again as you see my driveway 
while searching for something more 
beyond this lonely hill

It was hard to find this video because it's an obscure band and the song is from 2000. Still, I found this post — from an IRC person — apparently, here. The audio is poor, but the sentiment of the song remains. By the way, this band is silly and fun live; you'd never guess by their emo songs how silly they could be.