Heart sick

There's something wrong with me. Besides the obvious, I mean. 

I've hesitated to write this post for a long time, the reason being I don't have the wherewithal to understand what is wrong. So, this is an exploratory post. I hope that by releasing my thoughts about this I will understand what's happening. By the time I put the final period on this page, I will know more than I do now. 

I was going to write this post Sunday (who knows when I'll post it) but decided to go for a hike instead. I put my hunting gear on just in case. Turns out I made the right decision, as I bagged one of the largest whitetail bucks I've ever had the opportunity to hunt. The fact that I walked away from writing this tells me two things: 1) I'm putting less of my life on this blog, which is good because I'm actually living my life, and 2) I'm scared of writing this post, which is odd for me because I favor finding the truth in everything. 

This is an uncomfortable position for me to be in, as I hate to speculate. And what follows is speculation. 

I don't go to doctors as a matter of course. I've been to doctors, yes. I'm not opposed; I just find that other things work better for me and are cheaper. Well, lately I've been thinking I should see a doctor. This unrelenting tiredness is a large reason why I haven't been posting as much. For someone who has endured as much sleep deprivation as I have, being tired is not something new, but this tiredness is different.

There is something unnerving about my health lately. There is a tiredness beyond any tiredness I've felt in a long time. I used to have plenty of energy, even after getting only two hours of sleep. Even after getting no hours of sleep. I could still drag myself through my day. This tiredness is troubling. It's the kind of tiredness that makes me feel as though I really could disappear if I just closed my eyes and let it happen. 

Then there are the heart palpitations that seem to come out of nowhere. I lay in bed at night and my heart races until I break out in a sweat and peel back the covers until I'm just a sweaty, heart-racing guy in a really cold room who can't sleep. When I hike, my heart can't keep up with my body. It nags until I am forced to stop and catch my breath and let my heart rate slow. What bothers me is not that my heart sometimes needs some extra time because I get it; I'm getting older. It's that it happens for no apparent reason. 

Then there's the constant feeling of being chilled. I dress warmly enough. Sometimes I don't even take my coat off at work, though. My feet especially seem to get cold and stay cold. Even when I get in my bed at night and snuggle in my fleece sheets, my feet remain frigid. This tells me there is a circulation problem.

I've been exercising for years with minimal problems. I used to run long distances until I realized I hate long-distance running. So, the longest I run now is about a mile. Anything beyond that and I feel like crap, which is not the point of exercising. I understand feeling tired in the immediate aftermath of exercise, but I should not feel laggy the next day. I should feel more energetic. Another problem with running is my lung capacity is very low, as I've had pneumonia twice in my life and I exercise at elevation. Also, my heart rages against my chest like it's going to burst through my ribs. It feels violent, and that's a little scary. I know what my heart should do when I exercise, and this is not it. 

It could be that because of an unusual amount of sitting (for me) my body now reacts in unexpected ways. I work full-time, but when I get home I also sit to do homework and read, often at a computer screen just as I do at work. Then there's my commute, which is an average of 45 minutes each way. That's a lot of sitting for a guy who is not used to sitting so much. I fantasize about returning to a job where I cannot sit down all day, which is probably the opposite of what a lot of people want for themselves. I just feel better when I move around.

This paragraph is going to hurt. I used to have a virile sex drive and no problems achieving an erection. I can't remember the last time my body had a 100 percent erection. Now, this is tricky because my sexual response could be tied to my relationship status. But, there are times when my body involuntarily gets an erection such as when I wake up in the night with a full bladder. There are also sex dreams that occasionally wake me up. In all instances, my erections aren't nearly as complete as they used to be. It's like my body is going through the motions. This is more psychologically bothersome than anything else, but it tells me there is a very real possibility I have a physiological reason (such as a circulation problem) for not being able to get a proper erection. Of course, what would I do if I got one? Nothing. So, this could be a blessing in disguise. Still, very troubling. 

Then there's the caffeine consumption, which has come back into play since I started taking a full load of credits this semester. It's not much, though; only two tablespoons of instant coffee in the morning. It could be that my sensitivity to caffeine has heightened in my time without it and is causing undesirable side effects. 

As I sit here, I can feel my heart beating harder than it should. This could be due to my salty lunch and poor diet, in general. Since I spend so much of my time working (full-time) and taking online courses (full-time), I don't cook healthy food for myself. I often end up going to the freezer and throwing something over-processed and already prepared into the oven. This has a remedy but not until I have more time.

Stress. I've had a lot of stress for months now, mostly due to overscheduling myself and the life-changes I've endured. It could be stress is contributing to my irregular heart palpitations. Ending a 20-year relationship in and of itself is enough of a life-change to cause physical repercussions. The other changes on top of that surely don't help. 


Then there is the overbearing depression I've carried around for years. Some of it seems to have lifted, while some of it seems to have settled in deeper. My depression has been tempered by really amazing, positive changes I've seen, though. Some of those things I had to go out and get. Some of them came to me. I'm thankful for all of them. When I get down on myself, I can look at those positive things and say, "No, it's not all bad. This or that never would have happened otherwise." 

It's clear I need to pay more attention to my health, especially after I'm done with coursework. These problems may not wait, however, for me to figure out what's wrong before they morph into something larger and meaner. For all those who can't get any peace, who just keep getting hit with one thing after another, I understand. I've been there, and I'm still there. Things will get better. In the meantime, find a way to laugh, even if all you can laugh at is yourself.

I'm 99 percent sure how the rest of my life is going to play out. I have in my head how the script will read. Suffice to say I'm not in a hurry to get there. Here's hoping that 1 percent turns out to be the way it really happens. I've lived a good while and I've seen a lot of strange things happen. Maybe I'll have a charmed life after all.