Striking a match

Stop sounding so fucking sad. 

This is a screenshot from American Psycho, a movie I've never seen. I've read the book, and that's enough, as I'm still disturbed by that book many years later. No work of fiction I've ever read has affected me like American Psycho. Bret Easton Ellis' characters are so devoid of humanity, it's unreal. Or perhaps too real. His books are about characters I don't care about, even hate. But they are compelling. It's amazing to read a book and not find a single character you enjoy or relate to. Sometimes my life has resembled his fiction, sadly. 

There are a lot of reasons for me to feel sad. There are a lot of reasons for me to feel upset. Those reasons have always existed. Some will never go away. But, sadness is a choice. And, if sadness is a choice, then it follows that happiness is a choice. I've had enough sadness to last a lifetime. I choose happiness. I choose joy. I choose silliness and fun and all the things that make sadness cower and shrink and fade away ... at least for a little while. I've proven I can tackle big things, mean things, unpleasant things. I've proven I can do hard things. I'm made of something rare, perhaps, but the downside to my ability to face hard things is that I often dwell among the sad things too long. I get sucked into it and remain there. I feel too much and accept too much upon myself until I crack under the burden of it. 

Too often my life has resembled one of Ellis' novels. His fiction affects me in a negative, lasting way I cannot adequately describe. They pull me in and I sit down in it, unable to move. In fact, I vowed to never again read his books, and I think that's a healthy decision. Anything that makes me feel that bad cannot be good for me. It's much the same reason why I chose to divorce my ex. It's the same reason why I bypass shows on Netflix, why I read the books I read, why I find the articles on the internet I read. 

I'm not saying all is well with me. Certainly not. I'm just saying, for me, I have to watch what I'm feeding myself. I clearly have a predilection for sadness, so why on earth would I feed that? If someone says they have a sad story for me, I say, "No thanks." It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't need that right now. I'll get back to a place where I can handle a sad story every once in a while, but not now, okay? 

I've gone through a veritable hell on earth. I've seen my life get chucked through a wood chipper. I know sadness. I know loss. I know pain. I survived all of that. Thumbs up. But I don't need to dwell on those things.

I know my life will see more sadness. I know I'm not done. One thing we all experience is pain, but we have the incredible gift of forgetting that pain, too. Much of my sadness has been sat upon me. It wasn't my choice. I don't have to add to that sadness by the choices I make. I'm not turning my back on reality. I'm just choosing a different path as much as I can. When someone says something nasty and negative, I will try to find something good to say. When someone brings up a bad memory, I'll try to find an upside. When someone breaks and can't find their way out of darkness, I want to strike a match and let them see the way out. When that someone is me, I'll be even more grateful.