She's out of my league



She's Out of My League is a comedy released in 2010. You can tell by the flip-phones. I've seen this movie before but watched it again because I needed a laugh. I didn't expect to see themes from my life portrayed before me so plainly. 

Jay Baruchel plays Kirk, a good guy extraordinaire, a dorky guy with low self-esteem. Alice Eve plays the hot girl, a perfect ten who got out of a relationship with a very manly, perfect kind of guy (nicknamed "Foot Long") who was cheating on her. What makes the movie work is that you like both the main characters. And, they are relatable. We've all been in or contemplated a relationship with someone "out of our league." 

The woman I'm in love with I've always had this opinion about: She's always been too good for me. As long as I've known her — stretching back to the fourth grade — I've felt this way about her. In grade school, I used to tease her just to see if I could bring her down to my level. Sad but true. 

While I was watching the movie, I thought to myself, "She'll always be too good for me. Even if I had another shot, it's just impossible." Herein lies my great fuck-up. Pay attention. This is more important than some throw-away comedy. As the movie points out, It's not the fact that she's perfect that makes being with her impossible, it's Kirk's opinion of himself. His low self-esteem wants to bring her down to his level, which is what, a five on a scale of one-to-ten? That's what low self-esteem does. But, I don't want to bring her down to my level. I want her to be the glorious girl she is. That's what makes being with her impossible. 

What has to change is not her. What has to change is me. I've contemplated how I can be good enough for her, even taking classes to better my education so **HOPEFULLY** I can get a good job. ENNNNHHHH, the buzzer sounds. Wrong again, Joshua. 

Aww, they're so cute together.

Now I'm speaking to myself: There's no way you can be good enough for her, she's that stratospherically beyond you. Your struggle has always been a struggle with yourself. Ultimately, it relates to your relationship with your God, but it also relates to your relationship with yourself. You aren't good enough for you. This is a problem that won't be solved by taking classes. Even if you had a master's degree, you'd still feel the same way about yourself. Even if you had an awesome job and were in peak physical fitness with the perfect woman beside you, this problem would still exist. Pause, breathe. 

Okay, I outlined the problem. What is the solution? I believe it begins with my relationship to God. What's inside me says I'll never be good enough for what God did (and does) for me. This is true. What He does is grace-driven, not merit-based. This is what makes me uncomfortable. I feel I have to earn God's love or love from anyone. This is wrong. Love is free; love is to be given without the thought of its return. My prayer for a long time has been to give and receive love freely, and that is one of the most amazing, unbelievable, and life-changing things I've experienced. If I can give love like that, then I should be able to receive love like that. Even if a girl is out of my league, even if I feel like I don't deserve her love, realizing God's love for me can never be returned makes me believe I can be loved by a woman I consider too good for me. 

I have this look on my face much of the time.

Even though she's out of my league, for the first time in my life, I'm starting to see how I can be with a woman like that. I have no illusions about her. I know she's not perfect. I know she has a temper that can cut through me like a hot knife through butter. I know she's proud. I know she's torn up inside from years of infidelity and there's nothing I can do about it. I know we're from different socio-economic strata, educational backgrounds, upbringings, life experiences, life views, etc. But, dammit, she's unlike any other woman I've ever met. She's special beyond special, beautiful beyond beautiful; she means more to me than I have words to describe. She's just ... out of my league. 

Without her in my life and without the consideration of being in a relationship, I am left with doing the most healthy thing I can think of doing. My focus is to grow and to find things I enjoy that bring joy and meaning. Those things will be my new path, my new life. Those are the things that will keep me alive and kicking. I will be a whole person without a woman in my life, and that's my goal right now. Before I can be with a woman, I have to be okay with being alone. Even if being alone extends to the end of my life. 

A final note to any possible readers out there: Thank you for walking with me through these challenging times. Thank you for enduring the difficult posts. This is my therapy. This is my journal. This is my life. I'm externalizing my problems and exposing them in an effort to make progress in my life. It's not always pretty, but real change often isn't. Thank you for being a patient ear.

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