Getting horizontal

For my first 20 years, I thought I'd never be in a relationship and certainly never thought I'd have sex ... mainly because I thought I'd never be in a relationship. And I wasn't the kind of guy who could have casual sex. 

Then I enjoyed sex (with all its ups and downs) in spite of myself and the many marital troubles I had for many years. I thought things would continue that way. Naturally, after my separation, the sex ceased. This seemed like new territory for me, but it was just a return to my pre-relationship life. I fought the idea that I've come to accept now: that I will never have sex again. Here's why.

I can't, or won't, have sex with a woman I'm not in love with. There's only one woman I love enough to have sex with. She's not in my life. It's a simple equation. No girl = no sex. 

Then there's the fact that I'm pretty sure everything stopped working down there. That's a new thing, too. Of course, I have no adequate way to test this theory, but I'm pretty sure I know when stuff isn't working. Ahem. Moving on.

I should be sadder about these things, but I'm not. Sex is a function of a (hopefully) healthy relationship, and I'm not willing to settle for just sex anymore. I want to have sex with the woman I love. Without her, it's pointless. 

This is a mark of maturity, I think. Or perhaps just my age, which is seemingly making decisions for me. It leads me to ask questions I didn't think I'd be asking at the age of 41, like, "Am I done with sex?, Am I done with relationships?, Am I just done with everything?" For now, it seems I am. There is a great expenditure of emotional energy when traversing the great, dark forest of divorce. It makes any further expenditure, whether big or small, seem outlandish and impossible. It's here at the edge of the forest I have sat down to ponder my life. The purpose of this time seems to be a retrospective and general shutting down and shutting off of things deemed unnecessary. 

I'm not much for speculation, so I can't say whether these things deemed unnecessary will ever return. They won't look like what they've looked like in the past, if so. 

I read the book Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life last summer. It's a book that has helped millions since the 1980s. A lot of what the book said made sense, even though it was from a secular viewpoint and I wanted more of a Biblical viewpoint. Many of the processes I saw portrayed in the book were immediately familiar or were brought to mind not long after. It makes sense. We're all made of the same stuff. The problems of others are not always our own but are similar enough to gain insight. Let's face it, I needed insight.  

I was on my own from the get-go. I had no friends, no guide, and no one to help me through my processes except God. Luckily, God never tells you He's had enough of your complaining or your questions. He's patient far beyond any patience I've ever known. 

Right now, I feel like I'm in a rest-and-recuperate stage. I'm unable to fathom moving on. That's okay. There's no hurry. It's just life passing me by, which has always been the case. The race does not always go to the fleet of foot. And who says I'm competing for anything? Let them pass me by. Why is everyone in such a hurry? 

Perhaps they're rushing home to get horizontal.