my careless contagion

For my first 20 years, I thought I'd never be in a relationship and certainly never thought I'd have sex ... mainly because I thought I'd never be in a relationship. And I wasn't the kind of guy who could have casual sex.  Then I enjoyed sex (with all its ups and downs) in spite of myself and the many marital troubles I had for many years. I thought things would continue that way. Naturally, after my separation, the sex ceased. This seemed like new territory for me, but it was just a return to my pre-relationship life. I fought the idea that I've come to accept now: that I will never have sex again. Here's why. I can't, or won't, have sex with a woman I'm not in love with. There's only one woman I love enough to have sex with. She's not in my life. It's a simple equation. No girl = no sex.  Then there's the fact that I'm pretty sure everything stopped working down there. That's a new thing, too. Of course, I have ...

There's only one girl in the world I want to hear from. My heart pants for her and waits patiently (and sometimes impatiently) to hear from her. She's my heart's one desire. I've made peace with not having her, but oh, I'd love to hear her voice again. The only problem is I'm sure it would send me into space. It would be too much — like a buffet to a starving man — I'd feast until I'd become sick.  There's something in me that turned off, though, and forever. It was a rabidity I can't explain, like a ceaseless roving. Once my heart settled on her, a calmness replaced it. I answered all the questions that could be answered. I checked every box. I communed with my God until I knew all there was to know, and then I made my decision with a sureness that only comes from examining every aspect of something. Have I thought of everything? I can answer with all honesty and say, "Yes. At least, all that matters."  My fight is over. My mi...