My son

He likes to layer his look. He has two watches on and lots of stuff in his pockets, too. 

I miss my son. He's the child I never thought I'd have. I wanted many children, but I got one. But he's worth a whole bunch. If you met him, you'd understand. 

I miss him because I don't get to see him much. Even though I'm not sure what to do with him or what to say to him, I still want him around. 

My prayer was I'd be able to go back to school. I abandoned all hope of being able to finish what little I could, which turned out to be an associate's degree. I left these things in God's hands and told Him I'd go back only if He opened the door. I was surprised once again because that door flung open this year.  

I have 50 percent custody of my son, which I thought was fair. I could have had primary custody. I didn't think that was fair to my son or his mom. But, I don't see him 50 percent of the time because I work full-time and am taking classes full-time. I told my son (who is probably tired of hearing it, as he gets a dull look on his face and simply nods) that as soon as school is over for me, he can spend as much time at my place as he wants. 

The trouble is, after spending most of his time with his mom for a year, will he want to spend time with me? Will it take time to ease him into 50 percent? Will he ever accept 50 percent? Will I even be capable of caring for him? 

Maybe this would be a good time to introduce my son. He's 4 years old. He spent almost a month in the NICU after he was born premature, but he has grown like a weed ever since. His verbal skills amaze me. His memory astounds. His ability to annoy knows no bounds. Probably like all parents, I think my kid is amazing. I think he's much better at things now that I've never been good at. In short, he's not like me at all. We don't really understand each other, but we love each other. I think God pairs us with children unlike ourselves to watch us both grow in understanding. 

My son is more like his mom than me. They argue and it's like hearing someone argue with himself. First of all, why are you arguing with a child? Because you are a child. Because you are a power-obsessed child who can't handle someone of the same mindset. They're both control freaks. They use the same words. Basically, he's a brat. He needs to spend more time with his dad. He needs to mind his parents, mostly. He also needs to relax. Cuddle. Watch TV. Annoy the neighbors. Whatever. 

My goal in raising my son has always been to point him to God. I knew I wouldn't always be there for everything, but God will be. I wanted to nourish his relationship with his Heavenly Father, as that would be the most important relationship in his life. What he does with his life is up to him. I can't control any of that. All I can do is pray for him and be there for him as much as possible. 

There's something you learn from having children that you cannot learn any other way. It's something I always felt I was missing out on. It was a natural feeling when I became a father. In some ways it was easy, and in other ways, it was the hardest job I've ever had.  

It's even harder when you don't see your son. We "talk" every night. Well, we call each other and listen as we go about our lives, rarely talking beyond five minutes, but the calls can last as long as half an hour. It's just good to hear him talking and rummaging around and being silly. I don't need to have a conversation about everything. It's not like much changes in his life anyway. 

He loves dinosaurs. This one makes a lot of noise, so of course it made its way to my apartment.

Some things about him. He's OCD. He's a typical boy in that he likes to get dirty, run around, climb things, talk fast, and run faster. He won't let me say the word "stupid." I have to say "silly" instead. For his Thanksgiving day moment of gratitude, he talked about all the people in his heart. His words. He loves people. Way more than I do. My thinking, in moving back to where I grew up, was that my son would have the opportunities that I had growing up. Now that I see the kind of person he is, I see he needs different opportunities. He needs people. Good people. He needs to be in a decent school system, as well, because he's scary smart. 

I want him to slow down. He has nothing but adults in his life, and they all do things really well. He wants to grow up now. He wants to do everything now. He long ago abandoned his potty chair and hates the stool I keep in the bathroom because he said he doesn't need them anymore because they're for babies. I want him to enjoy being a kid as long as he can because no one ever gets that back. You can be an adult much longer than you can be a kid. But he wants it all now. 

He wants to watch adult television, stuff I watch like Meat Eater (a hunting show). His favorite show for the longest time was Highway Thru Hell (guys cleaning up wrecks and stuff on snowy highways). He loves big trucks. He says my car is faster than his mom's. He's a backseat driver (both hands on the wheel). He has a weird sense of humor like his dad. Actually, his might be weirder. 

His eyes are dark brown. When I was a boy, my eyes were a darker brown, but as the years have gone by, they've gotten lighter. They're kind of a gray-green now. My eye doctor says the pigment has vanished and what's left is scattered so they look different, but they're still brown. Okay. Well, I'm sure his brown eyes will snare many women's hearts. Hell, he's already been kissed by one of his playmates when he was three. I'll teach him to respect women, of course, but something tells me it will be a lot easier for him than it was for me. His "go" instinct, his natural way of connecting with people, and his pretty eyes will make for effortless getting of girls. I think I have a lot to pray about here, so I'd better stop typing. 

Enjoying one of our many hikes.

My prayer is that I'll be able to watch him grow up. I know my life will not be kind to me after I leave here. I know things will be hard. I really hope more than anything else I'll be able to get a decent enough job where I can watch my son grow up. Really, I'm not asking for all that much, but with my work history, I may be asking for too much. All I can do is be humble and be willing to start at the bottom somewhere and hopefully it will pay off. 

My son is amazingly adaptable, even though he likes his routine. I know he can start over somewhere more easily than I can. He makes friends easily. He loves to meet people. He loves interactions. I just need to have faith, I guess. I need to trust the process and hope for the best. That's all any of us can do.