my careless contagion

  I imagine us like animals, groping with dumb hands and exhaling fire, fixated on each other. If the world were to end, we wouldn't even know. We'd be madly making love like this.  I see myself obsessively, passionately, rapturously handling you. It's always from behind, as if I saw your face, it would be over in seconds. And I want this to last. I want to feel like I've gone to the edge with you and returned, sweaty and tired but proud. Your face turns enough for me to see your eyes closed tight, and my mouth rushes to meet yours, but you turn away again. Your body is clothed in odd sections, unclothed in the only way that matters right now — underwear still clinging to one foot, skirt on the bed, blouse and bra still on, and my favorite necklace gathering moisture on your neck.  The ache is a whole-body ache. The inevitable release is like a perfect spring day after a long winter, like finishing a grueling race, like souls crashing together. It's explosi...

The band is Face to Face. The song is All for nothing off their new album. Their newest release is an acoustic album on the venerable Fat Wreck Chords label. This is a sort of greatest-hits album, only with acoustic versions. Trevor Keith's voice sounds strange without cacophonous guitars and a blistering punk rock beat. My first thought was, "Wow, these guys got wussy." Then I listened again and finally felt what they were trying to accomplish. I think it works. When you take the punk rock out and leave the lyrics, sometimes the songs collapse. This is a good song, so it stands on its own.  As is my modus operandi, I'm going to use a song to talk about something pertaining to my life. I'm going to talk about sacrifice. Trevor is clearly talking about a relationship in this song, and the tone seems to be sacrifice. He's saying, "Here's what I've done. It's all to be with you." The lyrics are not as good as they could be. I'm n...

Her lips moved against mine. I was vaguely aware she was saying something, then her body moved away from mine. An ache moved through me as her fingers trailed down my arm and across my hand and finally my fingertips. She stood next to me for a moment and then she was gone. That was my dream. It wasn't an erotic dream. Just a dream. What remained after the dream was the sense of feeling worthwhile. I've gone for so long thinking I have no worth. It seems inconceivable for a woman to touch me. If a dream can arouse such feelings in me, then it's clear I was getting a lot of my self-worth from being physical with a woman. Or from any physical touch, for that matter. I wouldn't normally write about a dream like this, but it reminded me of something. In any relationship, it's important to understand love languages. My primary love language is physical touch. I'm one of the easiest to please. I didn't always know about love languages. A dear friend expla...

It's a peculiar death, the death of a romantic. It may look like any other emotional disturbance to the average onlooker, but those who have been there know it's not your average broken heart.  There are tomes full of advice for those who dare fall in love. Throw those away, for you are a rare soul. You are a romantic. You believe against all odds. You hope against hope. You sometimes despair of life because your heart hurts so much, because it just can't reach who it wants to reach, because it lost the one person who was worth more than the world to them. The death of a romantic is heartbreaking to watch. It's like watching the first broken heart the world has ever seen. It's spectacular. And brutal. And it makes you want to scream at them to just buck up, let go, face the facts, walk away, get mad, break something, do anything but endure what they're enduring.  But they just break. They melt. Their life oozes out of them. It's like watching a pri...

This isn't like me. Where did I go? I'm one of the toughest people I know. I've been through things that should have killed me. I've been through things that no one else will ever know. I've struggled through so many awful days and nights that stretched into years and decades. I was made of something that just wouldn't quit. What have I become?  Through a series of humbling misadventures, many facts about myself have come to the surface. That's my only explanation. My body, my soul, and my spirit show the carnage they've been through. The scars are there for all to see. I've been broken more times than I can count, have stood tall in the midst of chaos and pain that fell like rain. There aren't words to explain what I've seen.  It should have destroyed me. It didn't. Parts of me are gone now, never to be retrieved. I'm not an ordinary person. People eventually see it. It scares them. How could anyone shuffle through such mi...

The realizations are coming hard and fast. I've been a fool; that's understood. I've begun to see myself for what I truly am. And it ain't pretty, folks.  My good qualities are known. I hope big. I love even bigger. I am driven. I don't mind throwing myself into hard situations. I've learned I don't have to rely on myself all the time. But, I'm still independent. That's all good.  What bothers me is what I didn't see. Or, rather, what I didn't want to see. I deceived myself in matters of the heart. I walked right into a pit and a snare — one right after the other.  I will attest to her good qualities until the day I die. I've known this girl since we were ten years old. I watched her grow up into an impressive young woman, lost her for many years, then discovered her to be the same person she was then, only better. She's amazing. I can't say it enough. She's the smartest woman I've ever known. She has an eerie in...

You're amazing. You must be like this Greek god — beautiful and chiseled of stone. I'm down on my knees again, begging for you to wake up, begging for you to take your rightful place and set things straight. I'm praying for you. I'm praying God changes your heart. I'm praying you restore what you've stolen, killed, and destroyed. Make things right. You're the right man for her. Only you can do this. God knows my heart. It was — for a moment — full of contempt for you. It was jealous. It wanted the one you had. It wanted her to love me as she loves you. In short, it wanted the impossible. I was wrong. I know that now, and I feel beyond punished for my mistake. I have sinned against you. I have sinned against your wife and children. I have sinned against God. My heart wanted your wife. My heart wanted to steal back what you stole from me many years ago. It sought to set something right that was never wrong. My stupid hands have fumbled with these pie...

Everything okay? If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide,  the Lifeline is here to help: call 1–800–273–8255 If you are experiencing any other type of crisis, consider chatting confidentially with a volunteer trained in crisis intervention at www.imalive.org ,  or anonymously with a trained active listener from 7 Cups of Tea . And, if you could use some inspiration and comfort in your dashboard,  you should consider following the Lifeline on Tumblr . View search results   This is the message I got from Tumblr this morning when I searched for "pain." Thank you, Tumblr, for your concern. This is how much humanity is in Tumblr compared to other social media platforms. Where the goal in a lot of platforms is to make you feel rotten (the same for a lot of advertising), Tumblr wants to make sure you're okay   People who feel rotten look for ways to feel better. Our society loves when people feel rotten, as it can m...

I fought for you but you're fading fast like summer into fall like fall into winter I kept you close to my heart for the second summer now I feel you slipping away as the third winter approaches I let you go I had no choice I hated every moment of saying goodbye My heart is weary my body is broken and tired my mind aches as I imagine life without you The irony is I want you to go back go back to him go back forever  I want you to be happy I want to disappear let these shadows I've cast fall no more on you The pain I've caused is beyond my understanding My girl I can't ever make it up to you Love does not matter not anymore I thought it did but I was wrong Everything I've fought for is gone Everything I wanted I've lost You're just the latest thing I didn't deserve Goodbye, my love You were perfect in my arms We had our moment — our golden moment in the sun We held each other like it was the only th...

Wild love by James Bay is a song about sex. C'mon. What else could it be about?  Now that I'm a bachelor on the prowl (hahahahaha), this theme seems to be popping up a lot in my brain. I notice it everywhere because it is everywhere. People have sex. If you're in a relationship, you're having sex. Or you're 90 years old and not having sex and wishing you were having sex. But you probably don't call it "having sex" when you're 90 years old. You call it "giving her the time" or the more modern parlance of "gettin' all up in that." Haha, no. Just ... no. Since it's been forever since I've had sex, it's something I now contemplate as an idea or a concept instead of something I can go home and actually take part in. It allows me to take it apart and look at it. This is where thinking about sex starts to make sense. See, I was doing it all wrong.  For starters, sex was probably the best thing about my 20-ye...

Some Ukrainian girl. I'm a cliche. I'm the American man who got divorced from his American wife and the thought of international dating has crept into the dim corners of my mind. I'm not into Asian girls. I can see the appeal. It's just not for me. I am thinking more about Russian and Ukrainian girls. Maybe Belarusian. Maybe Moldovian.  There are a lot of reasons why this makes sense to me. Slavic girls come from a traditional patriarchal culture. While such things are under fire in this country, I can see the value of being with a woman with traditional values. First of all, they won't fuck around on you. They value and protect their families at all costs. Cheating, then, would not be protecting their families. That's not to say they're only homemakers. They actually chafe at the thought of not being able to support their family financially. So, after the children are able to attend school, they most likely will seek employment if they haven't a...

I've said it a thousand times in a thousand different ways. She has my heart. I'm pitifully in love with her. I'm broken before her. She could crush me if she wanted to.  Not only am I more in love with her than any woman I've ever known, but I'm also more attracted to her than any woman I've ever know. She blows all of my fantasy scenarios out the window. A woman like that, is she even real?  It's embarrassing how much I love her. Still. Now. At this moment. I pine for her. I crave her. My heart thumps loudly when I think of her. I feel blood flowing places I haven't felt it flow in a long time. I come alive. But she's nowhere. She's just in my head and heart.  She's touched me. In those secret places where I don't let anyone else go, she's there. I trusted her, and I let her right in. With arms open wide, I welcomed her.  The aching. Oh, the aching. It's like a sickness. I'm lovesick, I suppose. What else can it ...

There were two great events that shaped the last two years of my life. The first was my separation and divorce from my wife which was a relationship that lasted more than 20 years. The second was a brief but beautiful encounter during my separation and divorce with a woman I've known since I was ten years old. We have a history I won't go into here. The love we had blossomed without warning at either the perfect time or the worst time. I haven't decided which. By the time she was divorced, it was safe to say our relationship had ended. It was a double dose of grief for me to see the end of two intense relationships in such a short amount of time. I thought I was going to die. Some days, I wished I would. To compound these feelings, I also feel intense remorse for having a relationship with a woman during such a critical time. She was going through a separation and divorce as well. I felt I impacted her decision-making in a negative way. She even told me I was "10...

I remember kneeling by your chair as you broke down and told me what you'd done. It was almost 20 years ago, but I remember you braiding your curly hair in an anxiety-ridden state like it was yesterday. You weren't like this when I dropped you off at the bus station a few days before. Something happened in Cleveland that you didn't want to talk about. I sat and listened. You cheated on me with a boy you met on internet relay chat. His name was Joey. I knew him; he was Indian, very good looking in your estimation, I'm sure. His sister cooked you all dinner. There were other details. And then I wished I didn't know them. And then I wished you hadn't done it.  My strongest reaction as a young male with no other clear coping mechanism was to make love to you. I wanted you back. I wanted to claim you as mine again. I wanted you to know I loved you and forgave you. You clearly felt bad about what you'd done. I thought you'd take my advances and run with ...

This song gives me goosebumps. I'm not even a Keith Urban fan. Still, it's perfect. This song is about fucking in a car. I mean, if you want it to be, it clearly is. The video is almost pornographic. It reeks of sexuality. But, that's not what I heard the first time I heard this song. I heard my heartstrings playing a slightly different tune.  When you miss someone who used to be in your life, you have these really strange moments when you imagine they are with you. You could be in your car. You could be in the shower. You could be cooking dinner, watching tv, getting ready for bed, whatever. It's almost like they're there. It's that ache that tells you they're not there; it's that ache that sends you back to reality with your tail between your legs, and it's that ache that I hear in this song.  After losing the love of my life, I had those moments all the time. I thought I could conjure her. I could almost feel her lips on mine, could a...

King of fools There are a lot of thoughts swirling in my head, but mostly it's her. She's the planet all these thoughts revolve around; she's the gravity in my head. And she doesn't even exist. She's out there somewhere, but she's not real anymore.  What she accomplished in a short amount of time is astonishing. She got me to see things I'd tried to hide from. She blew open things I never thought existed. What she did in my life was nothing short of a miracle. I thank God for her every day. Now, she feels like a dream. What we had for a brief moment was an absolute dream, a fantasy, an unrealistic but beautiful thing. I lost her. I'm grieving that loss. I thought having anger would be the end of this grieving process. Instead, it's just a strange, warm feeling that sits in my bones. I cannot be angry with her; it's just not in me. What she did to me I cannot blame her for. Whatever she did, she had to do. I just happened to be the blind an...