Something new
I wrote this October 16 but didn't post it. There is something bothering me about it, but I can't put my finger on it. I feel God is working on my heart, and maybe I need to be quiet for a while. I produced a lot of "talking" here but not a whole lot of listening. Here it is, nonetheless.
If anyone is still reading, thank you. You endured many of my storms and for really no reason at all. You must have found something worth reading. I can't take credit for that, however, because I pray about what I write. Sometimes our prayers seemingly go out into the ether and never return, so I may never know who read something here that was helpful. Maybe you were simply captured by the drama of it all. But it is time for something new.
With the opening of one door, we often close another. This is something I prayed about, so we'll see what the answer is, but it looks like I'm ready to step away from blogger (which is Google). I intend to finish for good the most enduring themes and wrap them up completely in posts no one will likely read in December, January, and perhaps February, one of which is already written. So, there will be a minimum of two more posts here just for my closure. That may sound cryptic, but that's because nothing is set in stone. My plans are not necessarily God's plans. So I humbly submit my plans to Him, and sometimes they come to pass. If not, I can't get bent out of shape. Our expectations so often spoil our happiness. I had to let go of my educational goals (only 9 more credits until a Psychology minor!) as well as other things. As my running coaches used to tell us, "Keep your head on a swivel, don't get too tight." That advice still applies. I wanted to write a funny story that happened recently, but the inclination just isn't there. I'm sure no one would read it anyway. But isn't it funny that when we start praying about something, God often changes us instead of the circumstances? We start out going in one direction and end up wanting nothing more than His will. That itself is a miracle.
Since this blog is dead, it doesn't make sense to tie up loose ends except for my own satisfaction. I don't care to maintain three blogs (there is also Tumblr, where I posted more than 10,000 times), but I leave that up to God. I will just record what happened. I am now ready to move forward, whatever that means. The last few years were incredibly hard and aged me immensely, but I grew tremendously in my walk with God. It was a lot of work, tears, praying and fasting, and laying on the floor in an exhausted heap, but seeing the end of me let me see the immensity of God. In all of this, I take credit for absolutely nothing. I simply witnessed something.
As a side note, isn't it interesting how, when bad things happen to us, someone always rushes in to condemn us, just as they did Job? I'm not going to put myself on Job's level because Job was a righteous man who did nothing wrong, but there are similarities with those who counseled him. When bad things happen, those wicked counselors, who say they just want to minister to you and be your friend, end up condemning you. One of Job's counselors went so far as to say he wished Job's troubles would continue ... and kill him. What a friend! What a counselor! I experienced something similar with my divorce, and it was a very difficult part of the process. Those who should help and counsel you turn out to be your biggest enemies. But there is a reason why Jesus is called Wonderful, Counselor. For me, His counsel was a healing balm, but I had to turn away from the wicked counselors. I digress.
This platform incensed me for more than a decade. I started writing on blogger in 2009 when my programming started to unravel (before that, I wrote in notebooks). I wrote that for 5 years, then took about three years off to be happy. You see where that led. I started another blog here three years ago as a form of therapy. So that's a lot of writing. I'm not done writing (as I may need to continue this therapy), but I also want to be done writing about my personal life. If I need to return here to fall to pieces, I will, though I'm sure my readers (if they exist) will have moved on by then.
So I guess it's time I mention the new thing, which is this: https://none-dare-call-it-treason.weebly.com/, my new blog. Go to the blog section (there isn't much there yet, but I will add to it infrequently). I don't have analytics, so I won't know if anyone is reading, but I'm used to toiling in obscurity. That's fine. It's less deflating to see a big, fat zero on the hits counter. (Since I will be posting infrequently, it may be best if anyone still interested in what I write simply subscribes to the blogs. You'll get an email telling you I posted. But I haven't figured out how to add that option on the Weebly site yet, so shucks.) This blog will end with less than 12,000 hits and more than 450 posts, if any of that means anything. It doesn't. The only thing that matters is what happened along the way. But let's look forward.
New blog. Expect me to tear into the world system relentlessly. While there is still time, I think we can change the course we are on. My life, though useless to me, can be used by God to change the future. My whole life I felt like a burden to those around me. When I left home for good, I left my parents a note saying I was sorry for being a burden to them. Always have I felt that way. I just wanted to disappear. But now maybe my life can be used to protect lives instead of burdening them.
Thank you for reading, and God bless.
***
This October was an especially ominous month, having started and ended with full moons. Though I wish we were through the tumult 2020 has to offer, I think the rest of the year and even 2021 could be very hard. At least, that is what they plan for us. I am praying about this, of course, but dreams are very important, and I had dreams lately warning of something surrounding President Trump. I pray over my dreams each night, so it probably wasn't something I ate (though that is a possibility, too). The first dream was celebratory, as in Trump was happy. Something good happened. The second dream was in stark contrast, with the president addressing the nation in a serious tone about something. It was unclear. But the message to me was there is more tumult to come. I don't buy into the whole "orange man bad" thing the media keeps harping on (if you find they repeat something constantly and illogically, it is an agenda), but I also don't think he is a godly man. Still, God can use anyone, even a wicked pharaoh or the devil himself, to do God's will. I don't believe voting matters (I liken it to choosing between the fast road to destruction or the slow road), but I do believe praying matters. If you are a praying Christian, please do not stop. God can turn even the worst of situations into victories.
Also, I recently told my ex it is time for us to move. I even gave her my resume so she can start working on hers. I told her to keep saving money. I'll be praying and keeping an eye on the world situation, though. Ultimately, it is up to God. All I can do is submit my plans, and if God will prosper them, it will come to pass. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a place where there is no childcare or affordable housing and where it is cold 7 months every year. I had the amount of money I thought necessary to start over somewhere already saved up years ago and now I have more. I probably won't have a job soon, so that money will come in handy. It appears God is simply moving me out of here. Still, I just want God's will for my life and those around me. All I know is I am very tired, so I don't plan to go in my own strength. I was faithful in seeking God's guidance in everything, so am not as trepidatious as I probably should be about this. He does not forsake those who seek Him (Psalm 9:10).
One last thing. I was reminded recently of something that happened when I was a teenager. It reinforced the importance of living a godly life because decisions we make impact those around us. When I went for prayer at a deliverance church, a man was praying with me but not much was stirring. I prepared myself for prayer, as this only happened three times a year during workshops, so I didn't waste these opportunities. Other men came over to pray. One of them was a pastor from New York, as I recall. After praying for me for a while, the man from New York told me I had something in my life I wasn't dealing with, that it was the reason I had not gotten freedom from whatever my prayer request concerned. I felt shocked. I humbled myself and asked God what it was I had not dealt with. I was very sad about this, as I thought I put in the work. A few months later, we found out the pastor who said this was having an affair and his church was broken up. I never mentioned to anyone what he said, but I understood his words differently after that. He had things he had not dealt with. He felt powerless because of the sin in his heart. In God's economy, sin saps us of power. The less of it in our lives, the more power He can give us. That is my focus right now. Get all the crap out of the way so I can walk with God more closely. That is faithfulness, which is not preached enough in many churches. I liken it to an athlete preparing for an event. They don't lose the game when they play the game (as strange as that sounds) but, rather, in the preparation. As Christians, we are to prepare our hearts. Right now, I'm praying for a new heart because this one is so full of sadness. If you pray for me, please pray I am faithful. Thank you again.
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