I Remember Everything (Zach Bryan)
This is a new song, and it's pretty good. It sounds older than its release date of 2023. It got a lot of airplay, I didn't like it at first, but after about 10 listens it started to make sense (I may be a little slow). So much of country music is about drinking (thumbs down), but let's go with that for this post. Since I likely won't still be writing here regularly after the 28th, this is a good time for the annual sobriety post.
It was April 10 years ago when I stopped drinking. Every year I memorialize what God did in my heart then. It's nothing short of a miracle. It's a miracle I function. A miracle I'm still alive. I'm literally a walking miracle, and people walk by me like I'm some ordinary Joe. They have no idea.
A decade without drinking is a curious thing. It was supposed to kill me. Like I got a get-out-of-jail-free card. A new lease on life. A new life, new identity, new responsibilities. Alcohol was my way of ending myself, and slowly. The key to alcohol is it makes you feel warm like a hug. It deadens your nerves and makes you feel the absence of whatever this world did to you, if only momentarily. But it's also poison that slowly kills. There is cruelty in every bottle and hate in every sip. When I see people drinking now, I wonder what wound they're hiding from and why they insist of being cruel to themselves. That wound needs a real physician — not the kind that comes in a bottle. The cure is worse than the disease when it comes to alcohol.
The lyrics are sad, as with all drinking songs. This song wouldn't have such resonance with people if it didn't have the relationship angle. Kacey Musgraves nailed it. The song has a funeral dirge cadence (encased in, like, a slow waltz), and the lyrics are a sadness you can't forget. This is a walking-dead-kind-of-song. So many men out there have given up and haven't ended it simply because they'd inflict those they love with a cruelty that has no answer. Drinking is a slower way to go, but it's still suicide, my friends.
Without Kacey's vocals, we'd never get the full trust of the song. We need to hear her side of the story. There has to be a refutation of his story, his pity party. This isn't just about a guy feeling sad. The best sad stories have a woman at the heart of them. How many books and movies and songs centered on a woman? More than anyone knows. Ask Leonard Cohen.
There's something I want to talk about. I didn't see a way to quit drinking and was steeped in it for more than 16 years. It took hold after the first time my then-girlfriend cheated on me. Drinking was my way out. Many years later, God said I had to forsake it and trust Him, that His way was better. All I had to do was be obedient. I didn't have to know the way. Just had to hold His hand. And that's how I'm here today. It was a simple, blind act of obedience. God did the rest. Want to know your role in this world? It's obedience to God. The story is His, so leave the consequences to Him. So many people are trying to write their own story. Let God write it.
A caveat. There was hell to pay after I quit. I partially blame my divorce on quitting alcohol without proper healing. I didn't heal fast enough to deal with all the memories coming back. It was a smothering thing. Felt like going insane and like I was going to kill myself all at once. I didn't get help with the pain, and my mind was already made up about divorce. The timing wasn't settled. It was 2012 or 2013 when I told her I was going to divorce her. It ended up being early 2018. I knew I'd be alone after that, which was the most terrifying thing I ever faced (and probably the reason I hesitated so long). Being alone almost killed me, too. God talked to me in that time of aloneness and said He was going to heal me, if I let Him. It was July 4, 2018, I wrote here about a conversation with God as I sat alone in the forest reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower (the main character in the book was sexually molested and the book was also something I realized my ex bonded with someone she cheated with). God told me I hadn't ever given Him my childhood wounds (or wounds from my ill-fated marriage) and now was the time. He wanted to heal me. I couldn't run anywhere where He wouldn't find me. Alone in the woods, I cried and said, "Yes, Father, heal me." Since then, it's been a journey of faith, healing, and sometimes failure, but, overall, more progress was made than not. God figured out what I couldn't. He fixed what I couldn't even touch. He set me on my feet again, clothed and in my right mind. That's why I'm a walking miracle.
It's also why I can't stray from Him because those cracks are still there. He didn't make the healing so complete I could walk away. He left enough brokenness that I couldn't leave, as if I ever would. Without a daily dose of prayer and the Word, I would shrivel and die. What goes into me leaks out too fast to ever contemplate getting up and walking away. Where would I go, anyway? He has the words of life.
***
I misunderstood previous conversations with Cindy and posted what I thought was said, for which I now apologize. Can't make sense of what transpired between us. Gonna leave it to God to sort out. I want to help her with whatever she needs help with but don't have a handle on what that is. I came across this video, and perhaps it speaks to what happened between us (I realize we were never together, but she did say she couldn't be what I wanted, which was crazy because she was everything I wanted and more). Maybe she thought I wouldn't like her if I got too close. I don't want fantasies; I want the real deal. I want her to feel she can (should she desire) tell me anything, emote, express, or fall to pieces, if necessary. I want all of her, good and bad. I love her and would much rather work through problems and build a future with her than let this go. She does seem to be avoidant (at least with me). It's really hard to think of this person who is so amazing and deserving of being treated well thinking so poorly of herself. I hope that's not the case. I believe it is worthwhile and beneficial for us if she pushes through fear and whatever else to have a relationship with me. Given her avoidant nature, it may be a challenge to push through but will be a win in the end. Things became a lot clearer for me when I saw things from her perspective and the challenges she faces. There are a lot of fears at work: fear of loss of control, fear of intimacy, fear of being abandoned or rejected, etc. She did try very hard to move forward with me. No one but her knows how hard it was. I will support her in whatever way she needs if she wants to try again. Or a million more agains. We are on the same team. We both win if we can move forward. Whatever she decides (or not decides, as avoidants are good at avoiding decisions, as well) I will accept. It will be as easy as possible, even if she has to walk away with a sigh of relief. Anyway, I renounce any negativity spoken over our relationship in this space or elsewhere. I apologize if I misrepresented her or us in any way.
I fell in love with her for a reason. No other woman is as valuable. She's the one I want and chose and chased for many good reasons; all she has to do is choose me back. If I could have, by my own doing, moved forward with her, I would have already. Don't know what she needs. Did what I could and leave it with God.
In other news, took this week off to spend time with my son before he goes back to school, but Friday last week realized I hurt my back pretty bad. It took a week of doing nothing and praying for healing to feel somewhat normal again. So, God was looking out for me. He knew I needed rest and recuperation. He always knows what we need before we need it. Apply that lesson liberally. Amen.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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